Two nanny problems

[Ronipops]

I've got two nanny-related problems that I could really use some objective advice on!

Problem 1 concerns my current nanny. She brings her child to work with her (just over 2 years old). Over the past few months her child started hitting my child (who is a little bit younger). I ignored it at first and put it down to one of those things that happen / her child probably having jealousy issues etc. Anyway, the hitting has recently begun to escalate - the other day it happened at least 5 times (and who knows how many more when no one was looking). It is quite hard and usually on the head. Obviously this upsets my son a lot. It has also begun to bother me a lot more. Even though my nanny disciplines her child, it doesn't seem to have any effect. I just feel increasingly uncomfortable with it, but so far I've not really said anything about it. The other thing is that my nanny is leaving in a few months. Part of me would really like to end the relationship now as I am finding the whole thing stressful and upsetting, but then another part of me thinks that I should just hang on for a few months until she goes.

Problem 2 concerns what to do about childcare going forward. I have two candidates who broadly have the same experience and qualifications. Nanny 1 is via an agency and so comes with a £2k agency fee. She also works out at about £60 pw more expensive than nanny 2. But she would be sole charge. Nanny 2 was sourced privately so no agency fee. But she would come to work with her child (around 2yo). I had sort of decided on Nanny 2 on economic grounds (although my "gut instinct" was in all honesty probably with Nanny 1), however, given the problems with my current nanny's child, I am now not sure whether it is a good idea to get into this arrangement again. Of course, we may not have the same problems again, but it is a risk.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far! I guess what I need advice on is what, if anything, I should do about my current nanny and also whether I should take the current problems into account in deciding between new Nanny 1 or 2. For various reasons I need to make a decision today and so any words of wisdom would be really appreciated.

Re: the hitting thing.

Lots of toddlers do go through a hitting (or worse, biting!) phase. If your nanny is disciplining him, I can't see what else she can do? To be honest, this is all part and parcel of your child interacting with other children. Your child may be the one repeatedly hitting other children at some stage! It would be the same at a nursery/daycare. If you really aren't happy about it, I'd suggest you look into employing a nanny without their own child.

why is your current nanny leaving? your or her choice - I assume hers

techinally/legally i dont think you can get rid of your current nanny now to imm replace her with a new one

current nanny should be def disaplining her own child better/more with time out/taking away fav toy/treats etc and think you both need to sit down and have a chat about her childs behaviour

your child should not have to put up with being hit (bullied) every day in his own home

ALWAYS trust your gut and if you like nanny 1 then go for her

Yes - she is leaving by choice.

whats her reason?

If the situation with current nanny bothers you so much then you wouldn't be happy with nanny 2 either. Or with CM, or with nursery.

Why has to be nanny 1 or nanny 2 if none makes you very happy? You still have months until current nanny leaves, take your time and interview more. You might find one with no agency fees and no child of her own.

I think you probably could get rid of current nanny if the job changed and became a sole charge position. She would then be redundant unless she was prepared to come to work without her son.

However, as APassionatewoman says, children of this age hit. It's not something I would be particularly concerned about as long as she is disciplining her child.

As for your next nanny dilemma, you really have to follow your gut. Nanny 2 sounds quite expensive if she is bringing her own child, too. Are you sure though that you would be happy with nanny 1? And how old is nanny 2's child? That might impact too.

nanny 2 child is the same age as current nannys child

She is pregnant and doesn't want to come back to work with a toddler and a newborn (I will, of course, be paying her maternity pay).

I do understand that hitting happens, I think what bothers me is that it is not the odd time here and there when playing or both wanting the same toys, but it seems quite deliberate and mean. My nanny even says that her child is badly behaved when they come to our house and also that my son seems afraid of her child. I just don't like the idea of my son being "afraid" in his own home really. She also says that my son has never hit her child back.

I also know that there is perhaps nothing else she can really do about it but I just feel that I have a responsibility for my son's welfare and this makes me feel uncomfortable and that I should be trying to resolve it in some way. Maybe I just have to accept that I can't.

What's sad is that I thought having another child in the house would be a positive thing - to have a playmate - but it just hasn't turned out that way and it is now making me question whether I should consider doing this again.

Are you working from home?

No - I'm out of the house all day. I work quite long hours.

then how do you know he is 'bullied'?

I said bullied not op

maybe have a trial day with both nannys and see how child of no 2 plays with your child

I didn't say "bullied".

But my nanny tells me when her child has hit (maybe not all the time, I don't know), she tells me my son has never hit back and that my son is "afraid". I am taking her word on this.

IMO even if nanny 2 is wonderful and her child is an angel you're probably always going to have this niggling doubt in your mind going forwards. It's doubly sad because nanny-with-own-child can be a wonderful thing and really beneficial for both parties on many levels but I don't think (for now at least) you would be able to see nanny 2 and her child without the shadow of this experience with current nanny. If your gut instinct is with nanny 1 anyway then I think you should listen to it!

The current nanny can't do much more than she is already (I assume, I don't know her methods of disciplining) but it speaks well for her that she discusses it with you and is open about her own child's behaviour. As others have pointed out this is a risk whenever there's more than one child but I do understand it's particularly difficult when it's happening in your son's own home and the hitter is the nanny's child. I do think you need to talk to your current nanny about it and how it's making you feel though.

Could current nanny's child be reacting to her pregnancy if the behaviour is quite recent?

Hi i have just been in a very similar situation accept i was the nanny and my charge kept hitting my son. He never used to hit her back until a couple of months ago and he started to retaliate, it was very hard as no matter how many time i tried to disapline them they just seemed to rub each other up the wrong way.

In the end i took my materninty leave early as it was all getting too much, my son wasn't happy, neither was my charge, i was just so worn out so i asked to leave early. Maybe your nanny will also need to leave early when the reality of working when heavily pregnant kicks in.

Could current nanny get someone else to have her little one sometimes so she wouldn't always have to bring it to work with her. I did this a few times and it really helped.

Hello Ronipops

Have you tried using National Nannies?
They charge a flat rate placement fee of £600 for a full time nanny.

I think children are just as different as nannies and there isn't really much cause to say that because child of nanny a hit my son therefore child of nanny c will do the same. No nanny / child / employer is perfect. You may spend so much effort avoiding one bad situation that you find yourself in another bad situation.

I would just talk to potential nanny about the current situation and ask her what she would do if a similar one arises. ALso ask her how she would propose to deal with it if your son were the one hitting / biting. I she proposes a resonable cinsistent disciplinary approach that involves all of the adults (you, your DH, the nanny) working together than I would be happy with that.

my nanny joined me in end Apr2010. 2 weeks after she joined she told me she was pregnant. the first few months she was fine at her work but then as she got bigger she was very tired and unable to keep up with my son who was learning to walk. My son would cry towards the end when she arrived in the morning. Whenever I would see her outside she was on the mobile and my son was just playing on his own. In the house she was extremely stressed and would often arrive to work crying because she had marital issues. She had no real love for my son and it was obvious she was pushing herself to work because she needed the money. She also complained seriously to other people about how awful i was and how she was going to take me to the cleaners. she is generally a very difficult and I'd say affected person.
she is now on maternity leave since October (she worked about 5.5months with me) and says she wants to come back to work one month after her son is born.
meanwhile i have a new nanny covering her work whilst she is on maternity leave that my son has really bonded with. the atmosphere in the house has improved dramatically and i would rather keep my new nanny who i really get on with.
Can I legally do that? Given that my old nanny worked less than 6months for me can I give her notice and maternity pay and end her contract on the basis that I did not enjoy working with her and having her in my house?

I'd go with Nanny No. 1. Good luck with it all, it's a bloody minefield!

Pomigra - Can I suggest you start a thread re your problem - there are lots of legally minded people who may be able to help you but may not see your request here. x

Pomigra - yes, start a new thread, but just quickly - the nanny has no right to bring her child back to work with her after her maternity leave, so if that is what she was planning and you tell her that she can't bring the baby then she will probably decline coming back.

Ronipops - has your nanny decided herself when she starts her maternity leave? I'm not totally sure on this but I think I have read that you can tell her when she should start her maternity leave and I think it can be as early as 29 weeks.

this thread is 8mths old

im always bemused that a poster trawls through old posts then replies to bump it up

why on earth dont they start a new thread?

wonder which nanny ronipops went for - no 1 no 2 or a 3rd one

Oh yes, so it is - LOL!

Lol - I hadn't noticed