Nanny shares - how do you split things and make sure the arrangement is fair?

[Gangle]

We have a nanny share arrangement for DS1, 2, with another family who live close by. The nanny gets £500 a week net which is split equally between the families. The share is based 3 days at ours and 2 days at the other house which means that we provide meals, nappies and milk etc on 3 days and the other family for 2 days. A few months into the arrangement, the other family asked if the nanny could collect their DS on the 3 days he is based at our house. Her official start time is 8.30 so she collects their DS at 8.15 and is usually at ours by 8.30. However, since I started maternity leave 6 weeks ago, she has started arriving at ours later, 8.30/8.40, not a disaster but the other family are using her to dress their DS and give him breakfast which means she often runs late which is annoying as I need her more than ever now as I have a newborn and DS and mornings are a nightmare. The arrangement works fairly well but it does rankle a bit that we do meals etc for 3 days etc and they only do, but we pay the same. We also give the nanny money for playgroup. activities etc, around £20, which the nanny always asks me for rather than the other family. She also always takes wipes/nappies from our house to refill the supply in the buggy for going out. I know these are minor things but it's starting to feel like the other family do much better out of the arrangement than us. The nanny also seems to favour the other family massively - if she ever turns up early for work, she will always stay with the other family rather than come to our house so that we have the benefit of the early start, plus she is always going on about how wonderful/advanced the other child is which naturally really irritates me and makes me wonder if DS1 would be better off in a different arrangement.

Sounds a nightmare I was a nanny until I had children myself. I did a never did a nanny share but I did have two jobs at the same time one three day and one two which worked really well for both families and really well for me. I kept the two jobs separate and tried hard not to talk about one family to the other. Maybe now you are on leave may a good time to renegotiate the engagement. Your nanny may also feel she is caught in the middle.. maybe she could to thee day with you one week and then two the next. Do all the children get on and have the same interests? each family should be providing nappies, wipes and cash for there children. You need to be talking to the other family regularly things change all the time when you are looking after children. The children need to being looked after how each other the parents wants they are your children if this isn't the same as the way the other family want it it isn't going to work and no one will be happy. Sorry for the long reply

I just came out of an unsuccessful share and am going into a new one soon so I have relevant experience here!

First off, I think you seriously need to rethink the days at yours vs. theirs. Swapping and changing mid-week EVERY week doesn't particularly bode well for the children knowing what to expect, plus the caveat you've mentioned of the extra utilities/supplies/kitty at yours. A far more practical solution would be to swap houses either on a weekly or bi-weekly basis (personally I find every 2 weeks works better).

Secondly, with the money - what I've found works best is for playgroups/classes/outings/transport is always split down the middle no matter whose home we are based at that day. That ensures that if we are at Family 1's house on Monday-Wed, and Family 2's on Thurs/Fri, and we have 2 regular classes a week on Mon & Tues, Family 1 is not always paying for Family 2's child.

BUT with things like the children's food, wipes, nappies, I always charge whichever family we are at that day/week. It strikes a very even balance if you're doing weekly/biweekly rather than 2 vs. 3 days. Buggy extras and things should always be swapped over at the end/start of the week for the same reason.

The pickup/dropoff was a huge issue for me as it completely changed the hours we agreed at interview. You need to have a sit down with either the other family or family + nanny and explain that with a newborn, it is vital Nanny comes on time, etc. etc. and you will either change her hours so she is coming 1/2 hr to 1 hr earlier (and getting paid for it!) or other family does drop off.

With nanny saying things about other child - really not on. In a nannyshare, obviously there are going to be differences in children's abilities and personalities. It is vital that she also says positive things about your child when discussing positives of the other boy. And she should never really give you negative comments about the other child unless it is affecting your child and you need to come up with a strategy to help everyone.

WHEW! How's that for long-winded? Hope to help!!

I'm a veteran nannysharer (just started on our third share).

What would you do absent the share? In our last share, we saved £100 a week in childcare costs through having a share. We provided all food and nappies etc as given how much we saved through doing a share, the amount didn't seem worth getting stressed over and I didn't want to be in a situation where I handled money from the other family. However, all expenses were charged separately. The nanny made separate notes for each family.

TBH - nothing that you have mentioned would annoy me but it depends how much you want the arrangement to continue. But if it annoys you, you should arrange to go for a drink with the other family and sort out arrangements re: time and kitty between yourselves and then tell the solution to the nanny. The comparison thing sounds annoying but she may just be making conversation.

I think you have to accept a bit of give and take in a share, even if it is feeling only like take. The starting on time thing is definitely worth demanding though. Perhaps the other family would like to ask the nanny to start working at 8am, and pay for the extra half hour? There's really no reason she should do the 15 minutes for free, anyway.
In our share, the two families take turns topping the kitty up to £20 each week, so there is always £20 in there at the start of the week. (unfortunately they keep forgetting, and the nanny has been taking the piss a bit using the whole thing on weeks where they haven't even gone anywhere but never mind - give and take.)
Our share is always at our house, which has its many good points but I'm sure we end up providing more nappies, wipes, food, etc.
But still - how much can it be? Not enough to get upset about if things are basically going ok.

We're in a share, and for the first year or two we seemed to be at our house more and therefore scoffed more yoghurts, burnt through more wipes and generated more chaos. We reasoned that the plus side of this was that it was our children who had the comfort of a "home match" most days. We felt that we couldn't really put a price on that.

When there is an age gap between children, as we had, we stayed at ours when DS was small enough for a kip in his own cot to be real advantage, and now that he is older, he plays at the other house so that their baby can be at home. And he is busy eating their yoghurts and using their paints. Over the four years or so, I think that it will all have evened out.

Try not to see the give and take in purely weekly terms, but in longer measurable periods, i.e. a term, three months, etc. Then you can look at the broader routine and less at the minutae of the day to day.

In our kitty each family has its own purse, so we don't subsidise on days when she is just with the other family, and vice versa. Also, they have more hours than we do, as I only work part time.

We talk and email regularly, sit down and have a full meeting each July to plan the following year - we are both MB teachers - and ensure that we write everything down, i.e. who will be doing which regular activities one each day. We look at the longer picture here, too. This year my DS has been following the older child around somewhat, but next year, in his last pre-school year, he will get to do more activities himself while the toddler gets to watch him do gym, as the older two will be at school.

We ensure that any issues over hours or possible tangles when we need our nanny to be at opposite ends of town at the same time are not discussed through the nanny so that she isn't put into a difficult position.

She's now worked for me since DD (now 5.5) was nine months old, and this is the second family that we have shared her with. We have been really, really, happy with her and the arrangements, albeit with an acceptance that we have to make some compromises.