How to manage a nanny who has depression

[Pennies]

My nanny is lovely but new to the job and admitted to me today that she suffers from depression. This was in response to me asking why she had been quiet and her demeanour had been rather negative in the past couple of days and I've felt that she's been operating below par.

She's our first nanny ever and I've had to recruit her to help us whilst i go through treatment for cancer so we're going through a difficult time ourselves which I think might be impacting a bit on her.

It's her first nanny job too and the hours are long and she's struggling with them although I give her as much time off as I can.

When she's on form she's great; the children like her and I'm happy with her.

I am very sympathetic to her situation, but ours isn't great either and the children need someone who is upbeat to help them through a very difficult time for them (I'm often feeling too ill to interact with them and I'm not reacting well to treatment and spend every other weekend spending 3 or 4 days on hospital, so it's tough on them at the moment). I want to accommodate her as best i can but I can't reduce her hours much more than I do and beyond that there's nothing else I can compromise on. She's been with us for just over a month and I have formally offered her a permanent position last week.

She is a lovely nanny, and when she's on form she's a great.

WWYD in this situation? Anything? Nothing?

you are trying to be empathic thats v.good
sorry you have your own health stuff with the CA.are you ok

as an employee does she perform as you want or do you overcompensate for her?
presumably you employed her to ease your demands as you balance the CA. dis she adequately do this
is she safe and competent.any concerns

i have misgivings about "She is a lovely nanny, and when she's on form she's a great." what about when not on form

did she purposefully conceal her past diagnosis or did you not ask

why not extend probationary period assess again 4-6 weeks

She generally performs as i want. I am quick to point out how i want things done when they're not right and she has been great in adopting these new approaches and sticking to them. Tbh because she's new I put any current glitches down to her settling in and learning the mores of our household. In the last 2 days though she seemed lethargic and I felt she didn't want to be there.

She definitely eases our demands (or my children's demands!).

I am not worried about her safety or competence. I think she has been a little short tempered recently though. DD2 is very hard work and she has been a little too quick to reprimand her on this IMO (N.B. she has been asked to reprimand her for tantrums - DD has a serious temper and we're adopting a zero tolerance tactic right now).

I didn't ask. I asked about her attendance at her previous job which was backed up by her last employer.

Can I extend prob periods now that I've verbally agreed a permanent position? I said that we were now bound to a 4 week notice period when I offered her a full time roll after her 4 weeks probationary period. Contract not signed yet. Worried about damage to our relationship which i think is currently very good.

Sorry - thanks for the queries re. how I'm doing! I'm still standing!! generally OK but finding it a hard slog.

given you say has been lethargic and bit off id be cautious.havent formally signed contract yet,perhaps extend probationary period

you need to note,date and reflect any concern to her.should you need to refer to in future

aww pennies, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr for you x

is the nanny on antid's/seeing a doctor for help?

not sure what to advise tbh but if she can not cope with the hours then you do seriously have to think to let her go and find a new nanny to care for the children and for you during this stressful time with your treatment (hug)

The hours are 7.30 - 7.30 but TBH when the DDs are at school she gets a lot of free time during those hours and I'm happy for her to go home / shopping / meet friends etc. She used to work 9-5 in admin and her BF does the same hours so she's missing spending time with him in the evenings. The mornings and the evenings are when I need her most, for school run and witching hours.

I'm worried that the hours are getting to her. She says she loves the job but I think she daren't leave us as she can see how badly we need the help.

You should be able to extend probationary period, i work for a large company and we regularly extend probationary periods. I can't remember if there is wording in the contract that says it will only be signed off subject to statisfactory performance, but something like that might help

I'm sorry, but who are you putting ifrst here? The children who are already going through a rough time as they observe the effects of chemo on their mother? Or the nanny who suffers from depression? If only a month into the job her depression is affecting her job performance, than I think you probably have the wrong nanny.

A nanny whose performance is affected by her depression should be signed off sick. This is not fair to your children or to you... or even to the nanny.

And, very sorry about the cancer. It must be terrible. You need very dependable support. It doesn't sound like you are getting it.

I agree with Strix. Whilst your support of the nanny is admirable that isn't going to help you or your children through this very difficult time. Your energy is needed to get through the treatment, you need a nanny who can fully support you, not one whom you have to support so much.

Depression is not great to be around at the best of times (my dad suffered badly during my teenage years) and it certainly isn't something you and your family need whilst you're going through the worst of times.

I am very sorry about the cancer and hope you are well again soon.

Have you asked her about her history of depression? She might only suffer very occasionally, or just in the winter (e.g. SAD), in which case you could ride out this particular period if you think she's good otherwise. If she's generally or frequently depressed then that might give you a different perspective and make the hassle of finding someone else worthwhile. Also ask her about her coping strategy, and how bad she usually gets. If she's not able to discuss this fully with you, then she shouldn't be looking after children really.

Pennies - I'm really sorry to hear about the cancer, I will be thinking of you, sending you 'get well soon' vibes x

Right now, you & your children need support, you don't need to be supporting someone else through their illness. Diagnosed or undiagnosed, this isn't your problem and you can't take it on. You need a new nanny, one who will be there for you and the children through your treatment, not one you are worrying about.

Nanny hours can be long, that's the job. I am sure she knew this when she took the job on. However, as it's her first nanny job she possibly didn't realise how tiring/long the days can be, mixed with the depression and missing her boyfriend - it doesn't sound ideal for her.

Best you both cut your losses I think, maybe keep her on a month for you both to find alternatives.

yours and your childrens health n happiness are what you need to concern yourself with.

Not someone I'd want round me and mine.

Her family and friends can do the 'dealing' empathising etc.

Swiftly move on from this one...........

sorry, cold but this is someone you've employed to do a job well.

I learned the hard way about this sort of thing with someone who helped out in my home (not a nanny). The result of my experience is that we accessed occupational health services and every new person goes through that process before starting.

Your current nanny probably needs treatment and you may wish to refer her to her/your GP.

You should step carefully here and seek legal advice, but this may be a situation where you have to let her go - for your sake as much as her sake. Then you could perhaps consider a slightly different arrangement. Long hours and not the best recipe and maybe employing two nannies would be better or a "proper" nanny and an assistant. We did this with our youngest two when we both worked long hours. Not cheap, but it worked extremely well.

I'm sorry about your cancer treatment. I wish you well with the treatment.

Oh Pennies I'm so sorry to hear it's not working out and you're feeling rubbish

I think you need to have a long chat with her and see whether she can keep her feeling down/depression separate from work and at least try to be upbeat. If she really can't do that and you need it then you have to let her go because she can't do the job. You will need to be very careful. Start by documenting every chat you have and give her a chance to change - if she still doesn't improve you'll have done everything you can and made reasonable adjustments so you could prove the situation was untenable. You will probably need to look into it more closely though.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this whilst going through chemo.

Purely because of your situation I think you need to say to her that you have employed her to make things easier for you and having to worry about whether she is going to be able to cope is not conducive.

I would say to her that you do not want to sign the contract yet and will have 2 more weeks as probationary period to see how things are.

She hasn't been there long, it is her first job, and tbh I think you need someone who has been doing this for a long time.

Poor you. We had situation with full time nanny who announced 8 weeks into job that she suffered from Manic Depression and had made two very serious almost sucessful suicide attempts. We tried to struggle on for circa 5 months and then it all ended horribly.

If you can, please extend the probation period. I know you need help but you shouldn't have to deal with this extra worry.

In my opinion, you have to put yourself and your family first.

When dealing with her performance concentrate on how she is at her job, and do not surmise poor performance is because she is depressed. ie make it clear if you are extending her probation period its because her PERFORMANCE isn't up to scratch, not because she is DEPRESSED. (you never know, she might be a low energy nanny even without the depression)

To be honest, if so early into her job the performance cracks are so obvious in this employment relationship, its most likely its never going to work.

Good luck!

It's not really the depression that's the problem, it's her job performance. If she can't cope with the hours, then tbh she doesn't sound right for the job anyway.

I must say, it sounds like your situation is going to be demanding for any nanny, and it maybe isn't the right job for someone just starting out. If you do recruit someone else it might be worth considering someone with a bit more experience, especially with the long hours.

guess depends if you think you can cope with her rather than with no one as think if i rem correctly it took you a while to find someone

Hmmm. Yes it did take a while to find her and I took MN advice (overwhelming advice) to take someone inexperienced so I could "mould" her.

lukewarmcupoftea - I have similar insight from a bit of PND that I had and also my mother's life long battle with it, so I can spot the early signs (I realised on the first day she started to feel low and I approached her about it the very next day).

I was very direct and open about the hours and our situation when interviewing her (so much so that DH thought I was actually laying it on a bit thick) so she should have been under no illusion of what the situation was.

DH doesn't want me to increase her probation time because if I do that she can just leave with a week's notice and that would leave us up right up the creek.

Indaba - she says she's not bi-polar just suffers from bouts of depression. I will talk to her more about it next week.

There has been some great advice on this thread and leaves me with much food for thought over the weekend. Thank you all and thank you for your good wishes as well.

Hi pennies, sorry you are going though such a rough time. I can understand why some people would say to find an inexperienced nanny you can "mould", but I think in your situation you need someone who can hit the ground running, and just take over with out needing to be managed too much.

You sound like such a caring person, but I think you need to put yourself and your children first, and look for someone more up beat and energetic, if that's a possibility atm. Most nannies work an 11 hour day, no problem, and you should expect her to be able to.

Just a thought - if you extend the probation period you can presumably let her go with no reason, if you decide. If you take her on properly, and then let her go because of her depression, that could conceivably be discrimination (disability)? Bit cynical, and unlikely that anyone would take that stand, but might be worth bearing in mind...

I think that too. I know that Stress can be covered by the DDA, and maybe that covers clinical depression. I don't know if this is clinical depression though or a lower level, comes and goes type.

I do think that by extending her probation period I will damage a good working relationship. Also leaves us open to her doing a runner.

Add to the fact that she's a good friend of a mum at school so there's the added more political angle to that. I do not want to treat her shoddily in anyway (not suggesting anyone's given me any advice to do that BTW, just mindful of all facets of this).

Well, if you are decideing to go ahead and offer her a pemanant contract, you need to tell her to pull her self to gether when she's with you. If she finds long hours hard, and you are able to let her work less, then fine, but she really needs to be on the ball when she's at work.

You can't change someone's personality, though.

IIRC you didn't feel as comfortable with the older more experienced nanny you interviewed as a person, nothing to do with her experience, and that she might not have been the best person to have around when you felt ill. I think several people also said that if you weren't happy it would perhaps be better to keep on looking.

An inexperienced nanny isn't necessarily going to be a bad thing in your situation but what you do need is someone with bundles of energy, a cheerful disposition, can-do attitude and positive outlook. Those have very little do with age and exp, as does you current nanny's depression. The most important thing is that you feel comfortable with the person and that they're prepared to muck in, take criticism without getting huffy, do the work and be cheerful.

Maybe you'll be able to work things through? It's not uncommon for nannies to hit a low point about 2 weeks in. Also if she has any sense she'll go to the doc and get ADs.

Yes it did take a while to find her and I took MN advice (overwhelming advice) to take someone inexperienced so I could "mould" her.

i rem your thread and think we did say that you would be better off with someone you can mould then a bossy nanny

sorry we failed you with our advice

hope she pulls her finger out, obv 12hrs is longer than her old job