AP problem - don't know how to solve it.

[SnailWhaleTail]

Hello,

I'm after some advice really, our AP gave me notice at the end of march as she wanted to move to London, I am fine about this as we all move on and she's been here 8 months and nothing lasts forever bla bla bla.

I said I was happy to give a good reference and that I would remain flexible and see what happened ref any new job and dates etc. She then had 2 weeks leave in which her mother came to stay at our house whilst we were away. All fine and amicable ... or so I thought!

She comes back from a weekend away yesterday and has been sorting her stuff etc in preparation for her move, again all fine although her crap is all over the house.

I saw on facebook this evening that her mother had made some comments about the 'state she was living in' and 'glad she was moving on' I mentioned to the AP that perhaps she should defriend me for the sake of her own privacy and (jokey, jokey) we all moan about our bosses.

She has since been stropping about and was on the phone to her mum, obviously fed up and talking about staying on and being the bigger person and mum was obviously saying leave now.

We had a pleasant chat this evening about the best date for the new girl I have lined up to arrive and current AP asked if we could push it back a week and I was happy to agree. We also had a chat about how she should take any opportunites open to her and that she didn't need to feel stuck as I could easily get family to help me with childcare at short notice.

Now I'm a bit stuck as to what to do, tbh I don't really want someone who is slagging me off and feeling very upset and hard done by to be looking after my kids, but on the other hand I wouldn't see any young girl with nowhere to go. I don't want to make her even more petulant and fed up by suggesting she go earlier than planned but at the same time she is draining me as she's been in a mood for the last 2 months it feels like!

Can I ask, did she specify a finishing date when she handed her notice in (or even an approx length of time ie 2 weeks/4 weeks)? If she did and then you have extended it by a week to suit her then I personally think you have done enough and that is the date I would be expecting (and wanting) her to leave.

If she hasn't found a replacement family by the agreed date, well it's not your responsibilty and you shouldn't be worried about a young girl having nowhere to go.

She obviously does have somewhere to go - she can go home to her cheeky bitch of a mother!

Has she actually slagged you off or is it her mother who is being rude? I can't see why your AP should feel upset or hard done by by the way you've treated her. She should be able to find a job in London pretty easily - most of the APs that I've met that have moved host families have managed it in a couple of weeks.

I've probably missed a trick here but it sounds like it's her mother who was having a moan rather than the AP. Do you think perhaps your AP is feeling embarrassed by her mother's comments and that's why she's been so stroppy? After all, she's been with your for 8 (good) months and her mother's careless comments have potentially spoilt that.

The bottom line is she's given you notice, you have made other arrangements so really she has to go. It's not fair on your new AP to have the old one mooching around when she's trying to get on with her new job. As Ecoli says she'lll find something fairly easily if she looks.

Good luck. I hope it all works out ok.

I agree, she's given notice, you have a new one and it's probably her mother causing the problems anyway, which is worse than a straightforwardly stroppy AP because she probably won't snap out of it. Do you have a date for her to leave now? If so, stick to it and if she hasn't found anything she'll have to go home.

thursdaysgirlhasfartogo, when you have a daughter in same situation like this. I'm sure someone like you advise others "well it's not your responsibilty and you shouldn't be worried about a young girl having nowhere to go".

OP, what you did was good, well done for helping the girl.

Thanks for input everone. The dates was left open as she wanted to find work as a nanny rather than an ap in London. A week after she gave notice (21/3) I said that the middle of May would suit me best as dh is in the navy and going away in June and I didn't want the children to have all that change at once. She was happy with that and we subsequently agreed on 7/4 which she asked yesterday before all the drama if she could extend until the 14/4.

The atmosphere in the house is terrible though and I'm not sure if I can stick another 4 weeks of it. What ever I say or however I approach it she seems unable to be honest with me. I think though as soon as she gets a job she'll give me the amount of time it takes her to pack as notice and be off.

I am tempted to say that it's obvious she is unhappy and would she prefer to go on Sunday without predjudicing her good reference, no hard feelings etc (she has friends in London she can stay with) and collect the rest of her things when she has found a job. I want us both to be happy and content and don't really want the situation to degenerate.

Why did her mum stay at your house for 2weeks if both you&ap were away?

sounds as if ap mum is to blame not ap

offer her to go early and see what she says

this is also why as much as I love my boss's (as they are fab) I wouldn't have them
on my fb.

Just as I'm sure she wouldn't want me on hers if she wants to moan about me to her friends

I think you have done the right thing and yes agree to sticking to the set date, esp if you know she has somewhere to stay.

We have a nightmare girl we had to give notice to pretty quickly because of some horrid things we found out she had done. (Stealing, lying etc) We basically needed her to leave the moment we gave notice, due to our safety and security.
I found and paid for hostel accommodation for two weeks and gave her two weeks pay. More than I wanted to do but it was the right thing to do. Not an ideal situation - but it's so hard when they are young and away from home. She ended up flying home within the week anyway using her return flight.

Good luck.

Blondes - me, dh and kids went to Spain for a week then to see rellies, ap (who was invited to come with us) decided to take 2 weeks paid leave and asked if her mum could stay for a few days before and after they had a few days in Ireland. We overlapped by 1 very pleasant lunch and a dinner/evening.

The problem is that if I ask her if there is a problem she says she's fine even though she is patently not. She has left in her head so I'd prefer her to just be honest and say she'd prefer to go now. Ho hum.

"I am tempted to say that it's obvious she is unhappy and would she prefer to go on Sunday without predjudicing her good reference, no hard feelings etc (she has friends in London she can stay with) and collect the rest of her things when she has found a job. I want us both to be happy and content and don't really want the situation to degenerate."

I think this is your solution Snail. If you say it like that, it sounds totally reasonable and very understanding. Pay her until the agreed departure date if you can to smooth it all over and perhaps suggest that you'll take her out for dinner when she comes back to collect her things (to show there's no hard feelings). You don't need this grief in your own home.

Good luck.

Given that your DH going sooner rather than later to minimise the upheaval is probably a good plan. It means you have time to settle a new AP in thoroughly if necessary. Your solution sounds fair all round - pay her to her agreed notice date but say she can leave at any point and collect her things when necessary.

If she's trying to set herself up as a nanny then I'm not suprised she's finding it more difficult to get a job TBH. 8 months AP experience isn't going to be enough for most employers and the market for nannies is much less than the market for APs now. Many people are switching from nannies to APs as childcare resulting in fewer nanny jobs and lots of jobless nannies.

DH is going away,

Thanks all, I don't feel like I'm being too unfair after 'hearing' your helpful advice.

She has a job interview on Saturday apparently so I suspect me giving her a gentle nudge won't do her any harm.

Hopefully the new French girl I have found will be good - I will mostly be weeping and begging my mother (or MIL) to move in otherwise.

Snail, if she is creating an atmosphere in your house, then definitely hold her to the agreed date. Once she is gone, it will be like a cloud has lifted and you can breathe in your own home again.

She sounds rather immature and unprofessional. If she has somewhere to go to, she will be happier away from your family anyway.