Help, my baby is not happy at the CM!

[Frog253]

I am returning to work on Monday and have arranged a perfect CM, she's not terribly experienced but she has two children one a preschooler and one 2 weeks older than my son who is nearly 10 months old. Now ds is, like my other dcs, a bloody nightmare with anyone other than me (and he's a flippin' nightmare with me a lot of the time)! He's extremely clingy. He cries all the time, wouldn't let the cm feed him or change is nappy. So far he's had two trial sessions and neither has gone well, got called to collect after only one hour today.

The other dcs did get better when they could walk but I never used childcare, was a SAHM, so it was just me and dh that had to deal with it.

My worry is that the cm is going to give up cos his behaviour adversely affects her son.

Really am looking for advice and (hopefully) reassurance from people with similar babies they have left at a nursery / childminder and from childminders that have cared for difficult babies. All experience and advice for me and the cm very welcome.

I had a very 'tricky' child to look after once, but having his mum reassure me that he was the same at home helped me to realise I was not doing anything wrong. We worked together and constant liaison coupled with honesty and lots of patience worked. He was 9 months old then and is still with me at age 6. (It was hard work though)

Oh, she should not be having 2 under 1 precisely for this reason unless she has got a 'variation' from Ofsted; she has to have demonstrated to Ofsted how she will cope with the demands of caring for 2 young babies

Have you seen her Ofsted cert?

So

ring her tomorrow and ask has she got a variation

If not then eek quite frankly

If she has got a variation then patience and close working together will settle your baby in time as HSMM says

Yes, she has a variation, so no worries there. My sister suggested offering her a 'bonus' if she could do it until summer term ends, any thoughts on that? DS will be 15 months in September and, if he's the same as the others, should be a lot easier by then. Was really hoping that DC3 was going to be a happier child, was not to be....

If she is a good CMer you shouldn't need to offer her an incentive. Buy her a sling and work together to find a solution.

I've had one child who was quite difficult to settle and he only came for 2 days a week; I suggested to the mum that he did 4 days a week for 3 weeks and it seemed to work (I gave a 50% discount too! So not about the £ one bit).

Some children are harder to settle than others and a good childminder will work with you to find a way to settle them. No 'bonus' needed. Please talk to your minder and try to find a way forwards, be honest with her and explain your fears.
Fair enough, sometimes things just don't work out and you may have to find another minder but please try the working together route.

A sling is a good idea. Try leaving something of yours at the minders- that smells of you, or a set of keys - so that your LO knows you are coming back.

Definitely make sure there are lots of familiar objects to comfort your baby. Even send one of his cot sheets to help him settle to sleep. Send any favourite toys too.

If you can do a few shorter days at first that will help him. Children can take a long time to adapt to a new setting. I had one last year who cried a lot but even after he stopped the crying he was not really happy and settled for about three months. Now when he arrives he doesn't even look back to say goodbye to his mum. He got there in the end and yours will too.

I would be grateful for her honesty, lots of childcarers would have told you he'd been fine. Work with her to find ways to support each other, make sure she knows as much information as possible about his routine and what he enjoys (write it down so she can refer back to it).

If she needed extra money to keep him I would find a different childminder pdq. Arranging for him to go for extra days (if he is part time) probably feels wrong but it is good advice. He will probably get used to her more quickly if her sees more of her for a couple of weeks.

I'm sure that he will give in to the nappy change and feeding thing on his first full day but if you are very worried could you pop back in your lunch hour? You need to find what works for you too. The less worried you are, the sooner he will settle. Could she email photos of his good times to you at work? That really helped one mum I worked with.

I started minding part-time but gave up my other job when I was offered a new child. This baby was 5months old, had been used to having a breast feed at 10am which her mum suggested I replaced with a biscotti and had no comforter of any kind. She cried all day for the first 3 weeks unless she was eating or sleeping. After that she was fine as long as I was holding her, eventually we got to the stage that I could put her down and we have progressed to her being independant. She is now 1 next month and we have a very strong bond. My son was 1 year older than her so 17months when she started and he coped very well, much better than I did.

This was my first full time childminding job and although it left me feeling utterly helpless and on the phone to my husband very often I never once thought about giving up. It's interesting that she called you to pick up after an hour as I would always keep the child for the designated time unless there was a clear problem. Even with the variation if she can't cope for more than 1 hour perhaps she isn't the perfect childminder?

Her mum had 2 other children who were similar so wasn't as upset at she may have otherwise been. Even now although she's fine with me her mum never leaves her with anyone else unless she's already fallen asleep. If the childminder is kind and patient then your son will settle given time, I don't think there is a lot of advice other than if you are going to work as hard as it will be you have to stick it out and hope she does too.

Thanks for all your feedback, it's very reassuring to read your experiences. You have given me some ideas to use. I know my ds is difficult but I also know that there are others out there like him (although I tend not to meet them), that's the power of MN.

I'm surprised at her calling after an hour too, I have a little boy once every now and again that crys solidly for the first hour that he's left, he's older than your son but it doesn't make it any easier, but I know that if I stick it out and cuddle him and distract him for the first hour then he becomes a lovely sunny little boy once he's got his confidence, I think when they're settling in, as a CM you have to cut them a bit of slack even if it is disruptive to your day. I had a 4m/o who was an absolute monster (as in weighed nearly as much as my 16m/o daughter) and I had to carry him everywhere for the first few days, my back was killing!

I had one who cried solidly for 6 months, nothing I did soothed her, apart from sitting her in a bouncy chair.

So that is what I did, I really felt that she was getting nothing out of being with me, and I despaired at it.

But after about 5 months (by which point she was 13 months) she would get herself out of the chair, (as long as I wasnt looking, I had to pretend I didnt see her) and would play with toys I left close by.

That processed to her being ok sitting on the floor.

By 15 months she was walking (again as long as she thought no one was looking)

Now she is 2.3 and runs in the door, cries when she goes home, and stays on overnights and loves it!

(She is at home this week tho, Covered in Chicken Pox, never seen a child so spotty!)