AIBU - maternity nurse "system"

[BaconandEgg]

In November, my husband and I booked a maternity nurse. She came by way of personal recommendation, and we didn't, therefore formally interview her. We did both chat to her, although in retrospect we didn't ask enough of the sort of questions we should have asked about the way in which she works. She's booked for 4 days/nights a week for over a month.

When we spoke to her recently, she told us that the baby would be sleeping in her room. I said that I wanted to be flexible on that point, because it might be the case that I wanted to have the baby in with me.

She now says that she has a "system", and that unless I'm prepared to accept her system, she doesn't want to work for me. I absolutely accept that that is her right, and I'm not challenging that. (The timing sucks, but I didn't ask the right questions earlier, so at least to some extent that's my fault and my problem.)

My question is this - AIBU to want to remain flexible? The idea that to secure her willingness to work for me requires me to give something up that I've not experienced is making me feel a bit bullied.

I'm also concerned, from her insistence on the point, that the "system" involves controlled crying from an earlier age than I had expected could possibly be the case (although that is, to some extent, speculation on my part).

I'd be grateful for any guidance.

Thanks.

Personally I'd cancel her now. She has hugely differing opinions from you on baby care and is unable to be flexible. If it was a slight difference fair enough but this is fairly fundamental.
You will be the expert on your baby - having her there telling you what you must do will harm your relationship with your baby, probably harm breastfeeding if you're planning to and just make you feel resentful.
But now I'm telling you what you must do as well - so feel free to ignore me

ITs your baby!!!!!

SHe is emplyed by you and if she can;t offer what you need get sombody else.

Nothing is worth you not being Mum liek you want to be

My advice: cancel her. She is being paid by you to do a job for you. She doesn't get to decide where your baby sleeps or anything else you're uncomfortable with. Is there time to hire a different maternity nurse?
You could just say to her very nicely "I apologize, I did not realize that I wasn't going to be able to make the decisions about our baby's routine and sleeping arrangements. We just aren't comfortable with using a system that someone else determines".

Seriously - where do people get off doing this??
Surely they are hired to do what the parents want? If parents say "please sort it out for me" then they of course can do any "system" they know, but to mandate where baby sleeps...etc.??? That's just ridiculous. Not sure why this made me so .

I'm gueessing she's one of the ones who gets the baby 'sleeping through' by day 3 or whatever

The weeks after your baby is born are incredibly precious, and noone has any idea how they're going to feel or what they're going to want to do. For someone to insist now that you have to stick to a certain system is madness.

Personally, if someone had tried to make either of my babies sleep in their room rather than mine, I'd have bitten them. Hard.

Seriously, this is precious precious bonding time, when all you want to do is cuddle this tiny bundle and never let it go. Don't let this woman into your home.

She sounds like a bit of a baby Nazi and I would cancel her too!!!! It's your baby and FGS you are hiring a maternity nurse to help YOU have a better first few weeks, ie help you get more rest and help gently guide your baby into a routine. If the maternity nurse is so "system" oriented and will allow controlled crying from newborn and won't let you have a say in where you want your baby to sleep, then how will that be a good experience for any of you? Tell her you are sorry but her views in no way shape or form match what you want from the experience.

Oh cancel!
She should be there to support and advise you, NOT dictate the terms of care with YOUR baby in YOUR house.
Imagine your first night at home, where you want to just sit and gaze at your wonderful baby......
Imagine saying night night to it and not seeing it for 8 hours....

No contest!

It is quite common for a mn to have the baby in with them - and it won't be for controlled crying, she will have tried and tested ways of settling the baby to sleep. If Mum is breastfeeding she would take the baby to her and after the feed mum can go straight back to sleep while she takes baby back to her room to change nappies and settle back off to sleep. If the baby slept in your room would you expect to deal with nappies and settling or would you go and wake the mn for her to do it? Would be a bit awkward for her to do that in your room.

However - it is your baby and what you say goes and this mn doesn't sound the right one for you. Some mn's have a set way to do things and are not particularly flexible. Most mn's will listen to Mum and work with them - so you need to cancel this one and look for one more on your wavelength.

Good luck - hope you can find a lovely one

I would say you would be well within your rights to ask what her system is - it might not be as rigid as you think - of course, it could be, in which case then at least you will know now that she is not a good fit for your family. But rather than jump to a conclusion I think you should talk to her about her system. It will just make the decision a lot clearer for you!

And also don't worry about offending her etc - if she is not right for your family, there is nothing wrong with that. We all have different ways of working and I am sure that different maternity nurses have different ways too.

as nbee said it is typical for mn to have baby in with her so when baby wakes up she then brings to you if bf,you feed then go back to sleep and the mn chnaged/winds/gets baby to sleep- this is what you are paying her for

or mn does it all alone if on bottle

quite understandable that you want your baby in with you, but not sure how that will work,as you will then have to go into the mn room and wake/get her

but agree that she is wrong for you - you are the mum and you need to be happy

tbh she is the professional and does this a lot and you are the novice (no offense),so the mn should have asked you questions/told you her system when you spoke to her

was your friend happy with her system - tho guess she was or she woulnt have reconmended her

i do a lot of baby/night work, though i am not mn trained - if you are near me (kent) then im happy to help if im free on your dates

i can hint/advice/suggest stuff but in the end i do what the mum wants as the baby is hers

I would have a chat with her again and let her know what you want rarther than her stipulating what she thinks you want.

I'm a maternity nurse and I always make sure the mum is in charge. I am there to make their life easier and those early days a memorable occasion. I have had jobs where the baby has been with the parents as the mum wanted to get breastfeeding well established. In the day I would do other things, make her breakfast, lunch etc and I would even help cook dinner. This is not typical of most MNs. I have had other positions where I have had the baby with me most of the time.

If you are not happy then you must find someone you connect with.

The fact is, she sounds absolutely not flexible. She clearly said that she has a system and she isn't willing to work for you if you don't follow it. And that the baby will be sleeping in with her.

Mother should be at the very least consulted or asked if her "system" is ok with you. She sounds controlling and won't be nice for you.

I would cancel her - the only way a maternity nurse and family can work together are if both sides feel comfortable with the arrangement - it sounds like neither side will be in this case.

I am a maternity nurse and have always had the baby in with me. I did turn down a position where the mum wanted the baby in with her as I would have felt like I'm not doing my job. Even though the mother said she'd be flexible I felt once she had the baby she would want baby in with her and I was worried that if a baby had an unsettled night where I usually hold them. I would feel a bit wierd sitting in room with husband and wife while sitting with baby.

As an experience maternity nurse she should have said what she does in the early days to encourage rest for the mum, how to establish BFing, how to settle baby, how she includes the rest of family etc.

As a Maternity Nurse i am surprised she didn't talk about the early days, what things she has, in her experience found that work, equipment that is useful, personal recomendations of items.

Did you sign a contract?

Did you pay a deposit?

I see my job as being there to be of help to the mum/parents.

Yes it is typical for the baby to stay in the MN's room in the night and either to be taken to mum for breast feeds and then returned to the MN for winding/changing/settling or for the MN to give bottles so that mum can get good sleep.

But i have had several jobs were the baby slept with mum and i was more a 'safety net' or consultant than hands on baby carer.

My prime consideration is that this baby is the parents' and tho i may not believe the way they want things done is the best plan they are the boss. Doesn't mean i don't voice an opinion

I think you need to clarify with her what she does and how that might work for you.

Then make a fully informed decision.

Also this doesn't mean you won't have any help as MN's can have space/cancellations, i have done several 'emergency' bookings due to MN illness or family not choosing to have help until baby has arrived.

I am currently using a night nanny for my seven week old second baby. She brings him in to me for breastfeeds and does everything else while I go back to sleep - which suits me just fine! Why do you even want a maternity nurse overnight? Seems completely pointless if you're going to have the baby in your room. The maternity nurse just wouldn't be able to do her job properly, and I don't think she's being stubborn or pushy by stating this, it's just a matter of fact!

If you intend to hand the baby off just for winding/settling after feeds etc then surely you're going to be woken up again when the mn brings the baby back in? The whole point of paying a maternity nurse overnight is for you to be able to get more sleep and not have to wake up for every grunt and sniff. I think you should look into getting a maternity nurse for daytime only, which is also a valid option.

You know now your first mistake was not interviewing her properly like you would have done for a stranger. You could ask to see her to go through her system and then see how you feel but my gut feeling is you need someone else.

Thanks to everyone who has posted - it's been really helpful to read your views, and I'm extremely grateful to you for taking the time to set them out.

Cancel her and book a cook and cleaner instead - far more useful! If you want to bf be very sure that who ever you employ is supportive of bf - any professional who wants a baby to sleep through at an early age isn't.

oh, Bert good idea!! If I could have afforded it, I would definitely have preferred a cleaner. much, much, much more useful. Especially if you want to bf, you are going to wake to feed the baby anyway and the baby will usually settle when you feed it, so no need to have yet another person take the baby from you iyswim... and usually the baby wants to be with its mummy at such an early age. hearing your heartbeat, feeling your skin, smelling your scent.
I would actually think that a mn would have been counterproductive for us when ds was newborn. During the day, I could have used the help so I could get a little bit of extra rest at some points, but not through the night.

Agree with those who say it's not a good fit. If you decide to go for help then do discuss your expectations and theirs at interview and if they don't mesh it isn't a goer.

I have always had baby in with me and honestly wouldn't see the point in being there if baby was in with parents so I understand her assumption there. I wouldn't, on the other hand, use controlled crying on a tiny baby and never unless the patents were happy with it.

Have you signed a contract? What's the cancellation notice? Have you paid a deposit? Are you likely to get some or all of it back based onwhat you've signed?

No amount of money lost is worth stressing you out during those first few weeks with your baby so if you're in doubt just bite the bullet and cancel.