third au pair and feeling lost....tell me your success stories

[lovesunnydays]

As above we are now on our third au pair.The last two were just summer positions but now we have gone for a more permanent post as I really like the au pair arrangement now the children are older (4 DCs aged 9-14).

My only problem is that despite each of the au pairs all being very nice, clean, polite and charming they are really, really dull and not at all 'into' children despite all their experience of kids camps, balloon tying, kindergarten, beach clubs....

They have all come to us via Au Pair World and wonder how you have all found your au pairs if not through this website, which I believe is very popular.

I was very thorough when recruiting and of course got all the answers I wanted but just seem to get saddled with the boring types who literally just want to learn English and get their room and board for minimum input into our family. I feel we are putting alot into the arrangement in terms of providing food, car, fuel, full board etc so would like our au pair to be some sort of friend to the children. That was the original arrangement along with an hour a day house work and feel that our AP is not keeping his side of the deal?

Really want to hear of some au pair success stories to restore my faith...

Whether an aupair works out is very much dependent on the aupair's personality and the fit with the family. Some aupairs have personalities which make them much more adaptable than others.

Being positive, outgoing, interested in people, ideas etc, willingness to learn and improve, can-do attitude.

I have had a fabulous German aupair who most certainly did not speak in monosyllables. We still keep in touch and recently met up with her when she was on holiday in London.

I have not had much luck with Scandinavians, both of which left early. Again, personality.

Lovesunny, I have much sympathy for your aupair who has already paid up for his course. Although the age of your children are not easy for forming bonds with as they are very independent by now, I feel for you when you say he is dull and does not make an effort with them.

I recently had to let my last aupair go - the difference between her and the current (fantastic) one is so stark makes me wonder why I ever contemplated putting up with the last one in the first place. Can he find another family in the area. I think it is easier for him and you if he goes sooner rather than later - you can of course give him as much time as he needs.

Bluegreen - have you had an au pair? Really? I mean when you are welcoming one into your home, sharing your space, dinner table, food, car, fuel.....and have asked for the AP to be 'friendly' with the DCs, is that really too much to ask. We are paying him as well.

I just asked him if he had any ideas of what to do in the Easter hols...he said he doesn't have a clue as we don't live near Brighton. Fact is we are in the Midlands and he hasn't left the house more than a handful of times in the last 3 months to even know where to go.

Others- I am glad you understand. It doesn't seem too much to ask to have a cheerful and bright nature (again what I asked for in the job spec) so naturally feel a bit agrieved that it is ok for him to be characterless but for me to still provide the same part of my agreement.

I'd get rid. He's no good.

lovesunnydays, there will always be an opinion like bluegreen's on these threads. It is par for the course. Ignore. I use aupairs. I understand.

lovesunnydays - in deciding what to do, how long is your AP going to be with you for? Have you asked your dc what they think of him? If it's a long term arrangement, and/or if your dc are unimpressed, then it may be worth considering your options.

I think it is really difficult to know what to do with an AP who basically does their duties and is considerate, but essientially is not a good personality fit for the family. Of course you could re-hire someone else, but you also run the risk of not necessarily getting someone better. Someone once said on this board that hiring Au-Pairs is a lottery. In my limited experience I am inclined to agree.

I've had 2 au-pairs. The first was fantastic and her sunny disposition and manner with the children made me overlook any of her shortfalls. However, my current au-pair is similar to yours - ie dull and no initiative, and I find that she irritates me me far more as I feel that she is a lot harder work.

metrobaby, agree about the lottery thing. But with each passing aupair (5 now, including the last one an utter dud), I am refining my technique.

I believe in biting the bullet and getting rid if not working. You will know within the first week, if not the first couple of days how it will pan out. It usually does not get better.

The best thing is to get aupairs with past aupair experience and who have an English speaking reference you can check up on. Even then, it is not fullproof. I find women references more forthright and spot on than male references. It is easier to pull the wool over a man's eyes IMO.

Thanks blue shoes

Apologies DadInstead. I only speak from my own experience.

I checked up with 2 male referees for 2 separate aupairs. One referee was glowing, the aupair was a dud. He only skirted around the main issue - which she prefers to be told if something is wrong (I thought fair enough, I am not a seether), but neglected to mention that even if you tell her repeatedly she does not register. The other one did not mention the lack of personality and social skills, which is difficult if you have that person under your roof and in your pockets.

I suppose they were being gracious. Which is great, but no good to me.

I managed to have much more robust conversations with the most recent (women) referees, one of whom resulted in my turning down the prospective aupair. The other gave me my current all-fave aupair.

I am willing to accept it is a coincidence ...

Blueshoes - can you be my friend? And of course the rest of you!
I am not afraid to tell any of my au pairs 'how it is' and have had words with ours along the lines of 'you promised certain things and so did we, now we have been delivering and think it is fair that you do'. He does seem to be trying and think that my presence is not helping him, he is a bit scared of me I think. So....I am going to back off and see how things go, hopefully he will relax and make an effort with the DCs over Easter, if not then I would probably keep him until his course ends and then have 'words' again.

He is not terrible at all, just as I say a bit dull. Better than the last two APs but still think we could improve....

lovesunny, , I had an aupair like yours, competent (just about) in the role but just could not interact properly with the children or me.

It was bearable, because she was reliable and did her duties, but created an atomsphere in the house. For example, she started out eating dinner with us and then progressed to gulping it down and then to eating in her room. She never spoke to us. She did not play with dd, then 5, and was quite dull in her interactions. My children eventually gave up trying to engage her.

It's a hard call, this one.

Maybe with older children you should let them have some input into deciding which au pair to choose? My DSSs' au pair recently resigned, which was a blessing as they hated her with a vengeance. To be fair to them, they had said from the outset that she, of the three candidates their mother proposed to them, was the one they liked the least. So it was hardly surprising when the au pair and the boys failed to bond!

Another thought - the French educational system (and much of traditional French upbringing) actually punishes initiative rather hard. The British think of initiative as a virtue, not a vice.

Bonsoir - its a good point, my DC's always interview the au pair and any decision must be unanimous - or we start again. The interview is a good test - if they can hold a 6 year old in conversation over the phone (and not always in their own language) they are probably going to engage with them once they arrive.

mmm, yes, we didn't get children involved this time for some reason but then the other two were not great choices either and the DCs helped on that one.

It is hard to pick them from a chain of emails and a couple of phone calls I think. Each time I think to go for personality but this magically disappears once they have unpacked and been here for a month or so.

Love the suggestion that we as a family are probably dull.....