9mth old mindee hates being put down and cries constantly

[TheBreastmilksOnMe]

I have him for 5 full days a week and I'm really at a loss as to how to deal with him. He sees to be quite an anxious/clingy baby and cries if I leave the room even for a minute. He cries if I put him on the floor even if I am in the same room. He cries if I sit him in the high chair with some toys whilst I prepare food.

He cries in his pram whilst I am getting the others ready to go out for a walk. He cries if I stop moving the pram. He struggles and cries if I put him on my back in the sling. He is only happy when I hold him which is really tiring and just not practical when I have 2 other children to look after, activites to do and meals to make.

Sometimes I just have to leave him on the floor and get on with things, he crawls after me crying and then I feel really guilty for not picking him up but I cannot sit holding him all day!

I've spoken to his mother about it and she says he is the same at home for her and to just 'leave him to it, he has to get used to it'.

It's driving me bananas and it makes me feel really stressed out and cross. Then I feel guilty and think that leaving him to cry will do more damage long term. As you can see, I've tried all sorts of things but nothing is working!! He's been with me for several weeks now and I really hoped this anxiety would have got better but it just seems as bad as ever.

I really don't want to end the contract as I'd be letting the mother down, she has just returned to work after maternity leave. He is also my main source of income and I would never be able to afford to keep on childminding without him.

Is there anything that I can do that will help him to feel less anxious about being put down. He is not afraid of the other children, he laughs at them and loves it when they pay him attention. He is a smiley baby when he is not crying and really very sweet. When he is ok he will play quite happily with the toys and explore the house, but when he starts with the tears, they never seem to stop.

I think at that age being clingy is very common. It seems a bit of a shame to me that the poor baby's own mother doesn't have a strategy that she uses and you could copy?
I guess she is right in a way, he will get used to it in the end and it's simply not practical to carry the baby round all the time especially if you have others to look after.. but at the same time it seems cruel to upset him too much!
What about making a game for him, like playing peepo and getting him used to people/toys disappearing them coming back? And also when you do put him down, keep talking to him even when he can't see you so that he knows you are still there?

Nine months is the beginning of separation anxiety, my own daughter is quite clingy (although, oddly, also very sociable and gregarious - just not independent at all) and this age is when it became noticeable. He'll settle in better soon, I think, and this tends to be up and down in phases.

So I'm not surprised the mother hasn't got any good strategies. TBH, neither have I. But it will improve as he gets used to you. Going from fulltime at home to fulltime care is quite a big change at that age, the poor little thing. He just needs to get to see you as one of His People.

It is reckoned to be about the worst age for separation anxiety. A bit late now I know, but if a family suggested to me starting their little one in full time childcare at 9 months I'd explain that that could be a difficult age for the baby to settle and suggest either starting earlier and more gradually (half days then full days etc)or putting it off until they were about a year old. I also suggest, particularly with the PFBs that they will be helping me and the child if they get the baby used to being left with others (grandparents, aunts, friends) and so less dependent on Mum. It doesn't help if the parents pick up and comfort the child every time they utter a squeak (and a lot do, and expect their childminders to do the same) so you at least have the benefit of a parent who appreciates that this won't be achievable, and the fact that he is the same at home means you can work with the family to try to overcome it together.

Have you tried having the radio on? A lot of babies find background music and talking soothing? Or you could sing yourself. If I have a baby who is a bit clingy I sing while I am in the room with them and carry on if I have to pop into the next room or get up to prepare a meal. It seems to work (would probably work even better if I could sing!).

Anyway, try not to let it get you down, and think of it as a challenge to get through a few difficult weeks. There will come a day when you get to the evening and realise he hasn't cried all day.

You've just described my step daughter. Unfortunately "leave him to it, he has to get used to it" seems to be the official health visitor line so that might have been what mum has been told to do. At least here it is.

I have a two year old mindee, who was like this for 6 months!!!! from 8 months to 14 months, the only way she didnt cry was to put her in a bouncy chair.

As she got to about 12 months I didnt strap her in, and sometimes, only sometimes she would get herself out to play,but if another child came near her she would cry and get back in.

We go swimming every week, and she would cry all through every week, till one Friday she fell asleep in my arms in the pool.

We got home and she went straight to play!

She came in on the Monday and put her arms out for me! And we have never had any of the crying since!

(Although we do get the lying on the floor sulking cos, younger mindee wants to play and she dosnt want her to , and s the running away and hiding cos she dosnt want to go home cos she is having so much fun with said mindee )

Have you tried a door bouncer or jumparoo? A sling on your front rather than your back so it feels like being held: I still use my moby wrap sling for fat 8 month old.

My DS was like that as a baby. I looked after him at home for 3 years so it wasn't to do with separation in our case, it was just that he was extremely clingy. Some babies are just like that, but I have no idead what you can do about it. My DD was totally different.

Just another line of thought. How much sleep is he getting?

My son was very clingy when he didn't get enough sleep but was OK when he was well rested.

He struggled somewhat at his childminder (similar age) at first until we worked out that he wasn't getting enough sleep (she had a slightly older daughter who hadn't needed her sleep as much as my son).

I feel total sympathy for you, i've just started looking after two girls of similar age and one is EXACTLY the same! Sometimes even moving whilst she's on my lap results in shrieking because she thinks I'm going to put her down. It's very wearing! I just keep telling myself it will ge easier, having had a previous charge who was very similar. No real advice, although I do find sometimes it can help if I talk constantly and very enthusiasticly to her whilst I'm doing whatever else it is that needs to be done, while she plays on the floor. Best of luck and lots of sympathy!

Wow! Thanks for all the replies everyone! Yes, 9 mths is a difficult age and I understand it's hard for him to go from only him and his mother to me. It's a big leap, although we did have 4 weeks of settling-in prior to him starting full-time, maybe we should have had longer.

Humpty- Games are a good idea, I've tried the peepo game with him and he just stares at me with a wobbly lip! If I talk to him when I'm not in the room it makes him realise I'm not there, cue major tears and crawling after me.

Shoshe I will try the bouncy chair. 6mths! Oh my God! How on earth did you do it?? I think I might lose the plot before then!!

Lymond Unfortunately he hates the door bouncer, what's a jumbaroo? I might try the sling again, but on my front. Anything is worth a try!

Idril- I make sure he gets enough sleep. He has 2 naps a day, at least and hour long each, something which I am quite firm about here! Nothing worse than an overtired child!

I've had to start taking paracetamols in the afternoon to stave off the headaches I can feel creeping up on me! It is so stressful and makes me not want to do this job to be honest. I worry that people passing on the street can hear the shrieks and cries coming from within my house and are thinking 'My God, I wouldn't send my child there!' I really hope in a couple of months time he will have settled and everything will be great, because if not then I am going to have to end the contract.

Thanks for this thread, I have come home from picking up my daughter in tears today because she is doing exactly the same and my CM has just told me that she can't cope

My daughter has only been going for 4 weeks, 3 days a week although one week was only 1 day as DD was ill. Its not enough time for her to have settled in is it?

I have agreed with the CM that we will see what happens for a few weeks after the Easter hols (DD is only going in termtime) but she has warned me that if there is no improvement, we should probably start to look elsewhere. I feel v sad about this as she is lovely and her home is really well set up for the mindees and I was keen for my DD to be in a busy family environment as we live away from all our relatives and there is no chance of a sibling anytime soon

Any other suggestions I could make to try to make it easier? I was thinking of maybe suggesting that DD does some shorter days on the days I am not in work for a few weeks to try and see if that makes her more settled there?

Runningmonkey- I have spoken to the mum today about the situation and I have told her honestly that it's just not the right place for her son. I suggested he's at a difficult age (9 mths) and would maybe settle better with a CMer who can give him one-to-one attention. That is exactly my issue. I have 2 other children to care for at any one time so I cannot give him 100% of my attention, which is what he needs. He is just not used to spending time away from his mother, she is a single parent, and up until now, she is all he's ever had. I would suggest the same to you. Or wait until your DD is several months older and try again. I given 4 weeks notice from today. If he does settle in those 4 weeks then great, I will keep him on but I just cannot cope with another 3-6 months of it.

Thanks, in my heart I know its probably the best thing for me to do too and I feel awful that my CM is struggling but as I had an absolute nightmare finding any sort of childcare any way so the thought of trying to find more is filling me with dread! Unfortunately waiting a few months is not an option as I just can't take more time off and neither can DH and as I said we have absolutely no family help nearby.

well done thebreastmilksonme that was a tough decision to make but the best one I think! I read this thread yesterday but didn't have a chance to post. Good luck over the next few weeks and fingers crossed your little charge settles a little.

Hi runningmonkey how old is dd?

She is 9.5 months

Really feel for you - it can be so draining can't it, especially if you have other children to deal with. Also, the impact on your own family too of having a crying baby around.

I had exactly the same problem with one who started last September (10 months old) and I was just ready to give notice but after nearly 3 months! he suddenly turned the corner and is fine now.

The only thing I could think of at the time was that it was pure tiredness and I had to let him sleep 3/4 times a day (which he wanted as he would fall off within 1 minute).

I've also had to give notice once before though for the same reason (constant unhappiness and crying) so don't beat yourself up about it.

Runningmonkey - just a few things I do with my little ones, have their comfort object out for them to have whenever they need and a blanket that smells like mum or their washing powder. I also make a little book with photos of the parents in that we look at together and is in the toy box/book shelf for them to access, children are never to little for books. Also Treasure baskets are a great way of distracting babies. Maybe these might help your childminder if she doesn't already do them? Also is she teething too? This can add to clinginess......good luck.

Thank you Allthe8s. We have agreed to give it until May half term and reassess. Will suggest some of those strategies too - my dd loves books so that might be a good one to try.