Deciding to move on from nanny as childcare?

[FrozenNorth]

Not quite sure what I'm asking here or whether I'm being reasonable or not, but here goes ... Any opinions, good or bad, gratefully and thoughtfully received.

We've had a mixed experience over the last year employing our nanny. She's been great with DC, who developed beautifully under her care, but she's never quite clicked with us parents (or, specifically, me!). I've found the whole mix of personal and professional just too hard to deal with.

I think I started off trying to be 'too nice' and it's backfired at me. For instance, we advanced her some money before she started because her previous employer made her redundant earlier than expected, with the agreement that she would work off the hours owed. However, she's now requesting overtime pay for some extra hours rather than honouring the previous agreement.

When the took on the job, we said that it was likely to last at least a year. The contract specifies a notice period of 10 weeks, which we thought was fair. However, she contacted me this weekend to say that if we would no longer need her after the summer, she would need to know this before Easter to find new work. Of course, we'd give her as much notice as we could and definitely more than the contract specifies, but it's her entire approach that's baffling me: she'll basically tell me how things are going to be, and that's that. We had a massive drama during the recent snow when she effectively refused to consider other options for getting to work (I hashed it out on this board at the time) and told me that she would take any snow days as paid leave.

Finally, there's been some considerable deviation from the agreed contract - it specified that it was a live-in position, and she agreed to live-in for at least some nights when she signed the contract. But the tentative date for her to move in got pushed further and further back, and eventually I abandoned the idea. This is partially my fault - I never pushed the issue properly - but it still makes me feel like a walk-over.

For the next few months, her hours will be increased (from 4 days p/w to 5). But last week she announced that she was going to need one extra weekday per month off in order to go and visit friends (on top of a 25 day p/a plus bank holiday leave allowance). It was not a matter up for discussion. Having previously agreed that she would have a job until summer this year we'll of course honour our promise - but I'm strongly inclined to call it a day at this point.

She's a great nanny with DC, but I feel like she's walking all over me and I'm letting her do it because I'm afraid of upsetting her. I feel like all the advantages of having a nanny have been negated by the interpersonal tensions inherent in our relationship, and I find myself longing for a more businesslike arrangement. I'm on the verge of looking for a good nursery - i'm clearly not cut out to be a nanny employer, and that's my fault not hers - but thought I'd seek opinions here first. For all I know, I'm being massively unreasonable about all the above issues and I'd be very happy to be told so if that's the case.

Thanks in advance ...

It may of course be the way you're putting it, but she does seem to tell you how it's going to be. With my professional hat on, I'd be sayin that these matters are for negotiation, and she can no more unilaterally change the contract than you can.

Do you need the flexibility of a nanny? We sort of dom but manage with a nursery - it is very good and I've no complaints, but obviously the hours are fixed. Being a good nursery, I've not had any confrontational and therefore stressful moments, and tbh I feel that if you're working, the last thing you need is more emotional draining - there's quite enough with family and work.

If you don't need the flexibility, a (good) nursery may be a simpler and also cheaper option?

Thanks stickylittlefingers, I agree that it might be the way I'm seeing things rather than the way things actually are - and when I'd finished the post I already felt that I hasn't stressed enough how brilliant she is with DD.

However, we don't need the flexibility of a nanny - our original reason for chosing one was because of the potential for her to live-in, but obviously that's not worked the way we thought! So maybe nursery is the way to go - to be honest, suspect she'd be comfier with a more assertive employer anyhow although am loath to make anyone redundant in the current economic climate

It does sound that you're maybe not cut out for being an employer/managing a nanny! You may well find it a lot less stressful being the customer of a nursery or childminder.

I wouldn't worry too much about making her redundant, I think the nanny job market is doing fine actually (in London at least). Just give her as much notice as possible and a reference saying how great she is with the kids.

From what I have read of all your dramas with this nanny over the past few months, I'd say that this particular nanny is hard to manage and tries to take advantage whenever she can. Quite frankly she gives nannies a bad name. While she may be great with your DC, she hasn't ever actually complied with the original terms of the contract - such as being a live-in nanny.

10 weeks notice is quite a lot, many nannies are on far shorter notice periods. So don't feel too bad about giving 10 weeks notice of ending the agreement.

You seem to me to be coping quite well given the dramas there have been, so I would not say that you are not cut out to be a nanny employer. It seems to me to be far more that this particular nanny has been taking advantage and it's that element of things that you (as many other employers I suspect) have found hard.

Look at nurseries, see if that would work. Also consider looking at other nannies.

I agree with nick, I think you've coped well given the person you are managing who doesn't sound professional or even considerate. you should probably worry about your own sanity and financial position first.Nursery sounds like a great option if you can find a good one.

I agree with Nick.

Plus, having used nursery, nanny, nannyshare, school clubs and au pairs (I think the only childcare we haven't used is a childminder since I've never been lucky enough to find one with vacancies at the right time)...there are always issues with childcare, with a nursery you have a more businesslike arrangement but you lose control on issues like food, activities, we found toilet training harder with nursery and a few other things were sub-optimal.

Do look for a new nanny as well as looking at other options. The nanny you have had sounds very hard to manage - very unprofessional and not understanding that the contract applies as much to her as it does to you. I wouldn't promise to employ her to the summer, she has not fulfilled a lot of her promises..if you find a better alternative I would go for it. 10 weeks is a very long notice period (8 weeks is more common as is 1 month).

your nanny sounds like hard work and I'm not suprised that you're thinking of getting rid of her.

Most nannies aren't like that I have to say.

Have you sat her down with the contract and gone over it together as a "review"? If not, perhaps you should

"She's a great nanny with DC"

Beong a good let alone great nanny includes being a good employee. This nanny is a terrible employee. She is sulky and she is not committed to doing her job according to the terms of her contract. The kids may like her. But she works for you, not them.

If my nanny did the things she has done, I would say "see ya" in far less friendly terms.

Far from being reasonable. you have been too reasonable and it has left you feeling miserable. I'd lay the contract down in front of her and (politely) go through it point by point reminding her of her obligations and mine.

I would give her 10 weeks notice, just as is required by the contract. You are not obligated to do anything more. Presumably, if she is no longer happy with the job and it's agreed terms, then she is entitled to resign (presumably with 10 weeks notice).

You are being way too hard on yourself. BEing a nanny employer is at times hard work. It is hard for all of us. But, it is perhaps harder for you because your nanny is making it harder for you.

I once had a nanny try to renegotiate the terms of the contract. She stood her ground. She cried. She demanded. She threatened not to the work. I remained calm. I was polite, but I said "no" consistently throughout the conversation. Incidentally, she did this after she had resigned. I was furious. But, I remained calm and in the end she accepted the terms as they were.

Agree with most of the others on here - I'm sure most nannies are very pleasant to work with, this one isn't. If you think a nanny is the best form of childcare for your daughter then look for another. I don't think it's right at all you "aren't cut out for it" - you've just picked a bad'un. Good luck next time!