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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

Au Pair - not sure how to tackle our new girl

27 replies

TennisFan · 24/02/2010 10:52

Hi, I have had lots of advice on here about recruiting and finding our first au pair who has been with us for just over 2 weeks.
The first 2 weeks she played with my DD and did lots of creative stuff, art and things which my DD loves after school.

This week, both days when I got home at 5pm, she was lying on the sofa on her computer and my DD was watching TV.

It is resonable to ask her to play with DD isn't it?

I did go through typical duties and days - but I think I may have been too nice and now need to speak to her which I really hate having to do.

She is 24, and speaks really good english so can't use this as an excuse.

OP posts:

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Bonsoir · 24/02/2010 10:57

How much sole time does your au pair have with your DD?

Do they have activities/meet ups with other au pairs/nannies?

TBH, a 24 year old is going to get a bit bored playing with a little girl all the time on her own, and vice versa - they both need company of their own age!

andagain · 24/02/2010 11:00

Of course it is reasonable to ask her to play with DD. I would be really annoyed if I got home and found my DD watching tv!

You have to talk to her, nicely but soon. I am talking from personal experience. We have a live-in nanny who started slacking and I was avoiding talking to her for fear of upsetting her, but my resentment grew as I thought she was taking advantage as we are so undemanding. In the end I got myself so wound up about it that I thought I was going to explode if nothing is said.

And you know what, I spoke to her and she was absolutely fine, took it all on board and it is great. She is only 21 and I guess she just didn't realise she was doing it.

My advice is start by saying how much your DD likes her (if that is the case obviously) and what she is good at and just say you prefer your DD playing and doing/making things rather than watching TV.

FourArms · 24/02/2010 11:25

I would say it is reasonable to expect her not to be on the computer, but not necessarily to be actively playing with your DD. However, I'd expect your DD to be engaged in some activity, and if you're not happy with that being watching TV, then that's up to you.

So she could be prepping tea whilst your DD colours/plays/does hwk etc, but if you're 'paying' for that time, then she should be doing something for you, rather than on the computer for herself IYKWIM.

bibbitybobbityhat · 24/02/2010 11:30

How old is your dd?

Is she never allowed to watch tv?

How long is your ap's working day?

If you don't ever want your dd to watch tv then you need to spell this out to the ap.

Most families allow the children a little tv (some allow them a lot!) so the ap might not realise that you don't want your dd watching it.

Bonsoir · 24/02/2010 11:35

I'll ask again - does your au pair get to talk to other au pairs/nannies/other adults (other than shopkeepers and bus drivers) during the course of her working day? If not, she undoubtedly craves adult conversation...

DadInsteadofMum · 24/02/2010 11:43

During the first two weeks I sit down every evening with an AP and go through how the day has gone, what have they enjoyed, what has annoyed them, what has gone well, and what I would like to do differently.

It does involve a time investment but they appreciate clear messages, you can comment on everything that is going well, and it stops little niggles becoming big blow ups.

Strix · 24/02/2010 11:44

More information please.

How old is DD?
How long are au pair hours?
Has telly been on for 10 minutes or 3 hours?
Do you have any set activities (tennis, violin, ballet, crafts, etc.)
What about playdates?

Mine are often plopped in front of the telly when I get home. But they also have busy after school activities on four out five days so I know they can't possibly have been in front of the telly for very long.

The only thing I really object to is telly after I am home because it means they want to watch the telly rather than see me. So last night I walked in and said no to telly and DS was not really thrilled with my announcement. But, hey ho, I came home to see him and not watch him watch telly.

Libra · 24/02/2010 11:44

What would your dd be doing if you were the one in charge of her at 5?

Our au pairs did a lot of arts and crafts stuff with our sons, but not every day. Some times, when you get home from a full-on day at school, you need to just chill out.

And I tend to be on my laptop when DS is watching CBBC because otherwise I would go insane.

I would suggest discussing how much time per day should be spend on TV and what else could be done. I personally would prefer to eat my own arms rather than do crafts, but I am happy to curl up and read books aloud and if your au pair's English is good this may be something she is happy to do.

Strix · 24/02/2010 11:54

Gosh, Libra. If you eat your own arms you won't be able to do crafts so might help you escape the possibility.

Hello, btw! (am AN if you don't already know.. in fact, am AN even if you do already know.)

Libra · 24/02/2010 11:58

Oh Hi. No was unaware of name changing.
Never have any idea of who anyone is at any time - is this because you were quoted as evil Mumsnetter with nanny advice by one of the media commentators last week?

Strix · 24/02/2010 12:16

No. I'd have kept it if I'd known about pending claim to fame!

Just got bored and wanted a new owl persona... as I do.

madcows · 24/02/2010 12:44

We say that the computer (which we provide) is there for her to use when she is off-duty, and I wouldn't want her on it when she is with my ds. Our kids watch virtually no TV, and so she is expected to stick to this when she is with them... but it depends on what your own habits are! (And obviously during half-term, filthy weather etc things are a little different). But I think this is a different issue. I guess what you are probably wanting is her to be engaging with your daughter at some level. If she has picked her up from school at 3:15, and is sitting next to her (but not engaged with her) by 5pm, then I wouldn't think that is a great sign, a mere 2 weeks in. But that is just my opinion...
madcows

frakkinaround · 24/02/2010 12:58

Tell her. TBH sometimes kids don't WANT to be talked to or do anything after a day at school and that's fine by me, but equally I'd probably be doing something more productive than sitting on the computer next to them such as preparing tea.

It's reasonable to ask her to play as long as DD's up for it. Plus half term/holidays by 5pm I've often resorted to TV or a DVD because they're sick of me!

But agree with everyone else who's said we need for info on the subject.

Missus84 · 24/02/2010 13:20

Depends what your TV rules are, and what you've told the AP. I always put the TV on for my charge at 6pm, and sit at the other end of the sofa reading a magazine or using the laptop - I mean, have you ever tried watching an episode of Waybuloo?

Original poster

TennisFan · 24/02/2010 13:30

Thanks everyone - great comments and advice as usual.
AP is nearly 25, and doesn't need or want to enrol at language classes. Instead she is going to a lovely gym every morning

My DD is 6 and AP picks her up from school at 2pm and they walk home together (less than half a mile).

I allow both my DC to watch TV, I think some of it is quite useful and allows them both time to unwind after a busy day.

DD only has after school activities on 2 days, other days will just be at home.

I think I need to try and introduce her to other young people maybe in the area - for some adult conversation. We're in a village and I don't know anyone else who has an AP or even a nanny.

I will have a chat with her - I dont think 3 hours of TV is reasonable.

OP posts:

Missus84 · 24/02/2010 13:38

Had she had the TV on from 2pm then?

Maybe just introduce a rule about TV - it can only go on at 4pm for example.

Original poster

TennisFan · 24/02/2010 13:41

The first 2 weeks she was playing with DD, making JigSaws, lovely home-made pop-up card and stuff like that.

And now, nothing think this is why I was so surprised really.

I hate confrontation, so will have to prepare myself all afternoon now.

Today we have a play-date which should help things hopefully.

I used to work from home in the afternoons, so this arangement was meant to be an improvment for them as often I was pre-occupied with emails and tel calls.

OP posts:

frakkinaround · 24/02/2010 13:45

3 hours of TV definitely not reasonable - a couple of programmes to unwind just when they get in (although at 2pm I'd be more inclined to go do something) OR switch the TV on around 4.30 to let DD wind down is fine but just spending the whole afternoon isn't great.

It sounds like your AP might have run out of activities. Try designating Monday as arts/crafts, Tuesday as cooking etc and giving her a weekly schedule of activity ideas in case she's stuck. Can you get your AP to schedule playdates with some of DD's friends? 2 children are often easier to entertain than 1!

frakkinaround · 24/02/2010 13:48

Ah, x-posts. It needn't be confrontation - just saying that you've noticed she seems to have lost steam and here are some activity suggestions!

SPBInDisguise · 24/02/2010 13:51

school finishes at 2??

Original poster

TennisFan · 24/02/2010 14:01

Yes, school starts at 8.45am and finishes at 1.45pm up to age 7 or 8 and the older ones stay until 2.45pm

I think the ideas list seems good idea, will give her some more ideas of things to do for an hour or two followed by TV

OP posts:

SPBInDisguise · 24/02/2010 14:04

sorry for hijack, just didn't realise schools finished so early!

Strix · 24/02/2010 14:07

I would install a nanny diary so I knew what they did all afternoon.

Introduce au pair to nannyjob.co.uk where she might find some nanny friends.

I like the idea of a cook with DD day where DD can learn a bit about cooking and nutrition. (note I said cook and not bake)

EColi · 24/02/2010 15:21

I'll be the voice of dissent with our au pairs I tell them I am happy for the kids to watch tv/DVD/play on pc or consoles afterschool. They are au pairs not nannies and I expect them to keep the kids alive. Anything more than this (and we do generally get more than this) is a bonus
Some nights I get home and find au pair lying on the sofa with 2 dc and at least 1 cat curled up on her watching a movie... And I'm happy cos the kids are happy and being cuddled. I find that there is a balance between screen-time and other things without me having to force it.
Having said that, if you're not happy then mention it before resentment builds!

Original poster

TennisFan · 24/02/2010 15:38

EColi I do get where you are coming from, it was just such an exreme opposite from the first week or so that I was really surpised.

I know my DD likes someone to play with, or at least be in the same room as her - so I will suggest if she wants company DD and AP shoudl get together in the same room at least.

OP posts:

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