Experiences of living with AP

[pertbootywish]

Hello all,

I'd love to hear your experiences of what you found it like to live with an Au Pair. For those of you who are used to AP's can you cast your mind back to your very first one?

My dd is currently in nursery (4yrs) and I am soon to change jobs and think we would appreciate the flexibility the occaisional early start/late finish an Au Pair could bring. Plus dd is due to start school in Sept and it appears there is a drought of childminders near me (Bath) who are willing to do before and after school care five days a week.

Getting to the point, I live alone with dd, we have a 3 bed (new build 2 double beds plus one single) and potential AP would have own double bedroom. But I really have no idea how I would feel sharing with someone else. What is it like to have someone else around all the time? Do they do their own thing or do you need to entertain them all the time? TBH once I'm back from work and have spent time with dd and done the bath bed routine I just want to veg out then go to bed......

What is your relationship with AP like?

All experiences much appreciated.

Thanks.

Hi pertbootywish.. I think it's fair to say that every single one of our au pairs were content to do their own thing within less than a month. Lss than this really as most have dove-tailed into the previous au pairs social circle quite readily within a week or two..

I think our first au pair it took a little longer as we were feeling the way ourselves. I took it upon myself to spend almost all my free time in teh first few weeks on my days off to play Mum with the girl - I fell over myself to make sure she didn't feel lonely, had all the right food, was comfortable in her room etc.. I think in retrospect I probably overwhelmed her. In reality she was just a quieter person than me and far more content to sit and read and she made her own small set of friends once she was going to English classes.

English classes seem to be a major catalyst in them finding like-minded people who may be in the same boat, though I do try to encourage them to join other social groups where they will meet more local people. A few of ours have joined in with the local walking groups and some have gone along to the weekly aerobics or yoga sessions that are held locally.

We've hosted many au pairs now over the last decade and I can only recall one girl who seemed to want to 'hang out' with me in the evenings - and even this was only for 30 minutes or so when we were watching something on Sky that she couldn't get on her BBC/ITV telly in her room. Once they have settled in after a fewweeks, most have been very happy to go out a couple of evenings to meet up with a few friends, watch TV or a DVD in their room and many seem content to chat and skype with their friends or family from their lap tops. I should say that most of our au pairs have been 23 - 27 so they may be less needy than a younger girl.

If you work with a good agency they should be able to find the right kind of person that would fit in your local environment. If you are recruiting yourself and this is something that concerns you then ask them questions about how they normally spend their time, and how they intend to fill their time when they are here and see that they have a good idea about how they will deal with it.

I agree with Treeesa working with a good agency is an essential to getting the right Au Pair and also that english classes are the most important thing to getting their own social network.
I have found with my APs that if I take their first week off to get them into college, go on the bus with them the first time and show them where everything is and how it works they settle in much faster.
Sharing the house is difficult. My DH hates the fact that he can't take his trousers off downstairs and if the AP is away he walks about nearly all day with no trousers on! We tend to eat with the AP each night, she then watches TV with us for about 45 mins and then goes to her room. They have all done the same without us discussing this.

Thanks for this Treesa and Lizcat.

Lizcat lol re your dh, have image of him whipping off his clothes as soon as AP walks out the door...

We have had lots of au pairs - none have wanted to sit watching tv with us in the evening, although our current one does sit downstairs often to speak to her friends on her pc.

I would also feel uncomfortable if an ap sat with us all evening, but you have to balance that up with them being part of the family while they are with you. I know that some people have as one of their rules, that they would like the living room to themselves after 9pm at night - and I think that is a reasonable compromise as I wouldn't spend any time alone with dh otherwise. Having said that, my au pairs, find it far too boring sitting watching tv with us!

thanks again all.

Out of interest did you guys recruit yourself first time or use an agency? I have looked at a couple of agency sites whos fees for placing AP are £500 plus and also looked at a few sites recommended by people on here like au pair world where there seem to be sooooooo many AP's registered I don't know if I'd manage to trawl my way through them.

cheers.pbw.x

Hi
I am surprised about the fees. I run an agency and we charge £375 for one year placement (less for shorter placements). So you might want to shop around. We fully vet all our au pairs (i.e. medical certificate, CRB (or equivalent in their home country), two ID documents, two references (which are contacted as part of process), driving licence, First Aid certificate etc. So, I am pretty sure that you can have all these things done plus a free replacement guarantee for significantly less than £500.
Good luck.

Firat time we did it ourselves and we found a really nice girl who was with us a year.

Many folks on here use on-line agencies and if you trust yourself better than other people to do all your own checks then as long as you have the time you can find some great candidates.

We did it again using an on-line site the second time also and again we struck lucky. The third time we got a procession of time wasting people.. one who failed to turn up with her room all ready, one who had overstayed a visa and shouldn't have even been in country, a couple more who dropped out after they had first accepted. It seemed to take longer and longer to write to them and weed out the time wasters and wierdos. Many candidates seemed to have registered just for fun - as if they using a social networking site..! We also got a number of begging emails from people who had a sob story about their families being destitute and really wanting to come and stay with us as it would change their lives.. I really got choked up over the first email like that and was almost about to send money over for her to fly - then got wise.. I got fed up with the stress of it all after that..!

Since then I have used a couple of agencies and had a fantastic service. What I like about using an agency is being able to get a second opinion. The person is going to be staying with you for a year or more, so it's good to take time talking to them by phone and getting the agency to clarify specific questions. My current agency always has lots of candidates to choose from and the owner travels abroad to meet the au pairs in person, which I really appreciate - often on phone interviews I'm not sure if someone is agreeing to a question because they didn't quite hear me right but don't want to appear not to understand or want to agree/say yes to impress - so being able to discuss each candidate and what they were like (body language and how much of an effort they made) at the interview is great to check things out..
They also have videos of each au pair so you can hear what their English is like. We paid just under £400 last time so in terms of the time I save then I think it is well worth it.. Also if you have any difficulties when the au pair is with you then they are always there to discuss things and be on hand to solve any niggles if they crop up.

We used great aupair once and got a great au pair! Then I used an agency where I was living and got a dreadful girl who we had to send home in the end. So we used another UK agency and got someone worse! We haven't had an au pair since, though I'm thinking of looking again now. I don't know how you find the right agency.

I had an au pair for 6 months, when my dd was starting school. It was awful. But it was just me and my dd in 3 bed house. I was 24, and the au pair was a very young 18 year old. I know au pair's are meant to be part of the family, but I felt too much that I was having to mother this one. I had to deal with boys who'd call round at all hours, she'd sit in the lounge, shouting into the phone for hours, and if I asked her to use the phone in her room she'd slam all the doors, and stomp up the stairs etc, when dd was in bed. I kept thinking I'll give it time, but after 6 months my dd bought it to a head, by saying that she couldn't cope with the girl's stroppiness all the time.

However, friends have had wonderful au pairs. But they have all been in their second jobs.