I am terrified that my CM will quit if my 2yo DS continues to bite

[toja555]

Hi, it is a behavioral issue but it affects my relationship with my childminder, so here I am... Our 22 months old DS has been with the childminder for 4 months. Since that I got to sign under three incident forms, the two latest being within the last week and all related with biting. As CM said, both last times DS was seated with other children on the table and she went to the kitchen to take food, and then heard scream and in both times two older boys said my DS bit with no apparent reason. The marks were left on their hands although no wound or blood and the children played together afterwards. On a couple occasions my DS bit CM when he did not want to dress his coat. DS seems to understand that biting is not good, but cannot talk yet. At home, he has quite a temper sometimes, especially when he is not allowed to do/to get something that he wants. He can bite, throw things, fall on the floor. Our usual punishment is to take him to our lean-to and leave there for max couple of minutes. He does not bite that often though ? sometimes we manage to pass a week without biting at all.

After the last incident form my CM was quite upset and said she cannot leave my DS alone with other children, so she will take him whenever she goes to the kitchen, and put into buggy when she goes to the toilet. I said so sorry about that, and asked what can I do about it, but she said it is hard to control. I am terrified that she will quit if this continues.

What I am looking here is probably some reassurance that my CM will not give up that quickly, because (hopefully) she is happy to have a full-time child and reliable parents that always pay/collect child on time? My DS goes there full-time and it would be a disaster for me?

Sorry if this is a bit of offtopic?

dont worry im sure it will take more than biting to give you notice all kids go through this phrase.i am a cm and have looked after lots of biters!!!if you are not in the room maybe they are teasing him!!

Hiya,

As a CM I would be working with the parents to find a way forward. Does your CM have a behaviour management polcy? What does it say she will do about this kind of behaviour? How long has she been a cm? Has she encountered this behaviour before? (I can't imagine she hasn't if she's been in the business a while - biting is very common).

My own DD went through a biting phase, EVERY time she bit she was immediately removed to the naughty spot and told in no uncertain terms that biting is not acceptable, we use our teeth to eat and to brush and that's the ONLY time I want to see them! It did take a while (a couple of weeks) but by us all doing exactly the same thing EVERY single time she bit the message soo n got through. 22months is in my opinion old enough to understand a firm NO, we don't bite, it's not nice and to be removed from situation but the consequence needs to be consistent for it to work.

Good luck, try not to get too down about it, your LO will come out the other side soon enough with some patience from you all to work at it together.

LisaD1, my CM has 18 years CM experience and 4 children of her own. When my DS bites she takes him to naughty step for 2-5 minutes and he seems to understand that what he did is wrong. He sits there quietly and usually then behaves very well all day. My CM says that some children just go through this stage and there is nothing much you can do to prevent it, especially if you don?t see a reason for biting.
Just now it came to my mind that maybe we, as parents, use very wrong tactics to deal with biting and bad behaviour in general. I was so terrified that my DS misbehaves at CM?s that probably I overreact every time he bites, taking him to lean-to straight away and shouting at him sometimes. I am thinking to start copying my CM so that we act intact when he bites?
Thanks god nobody here said so far that you would quit if the child continues to bite?

Hiya,

Well, it sounds as though your CM should be well enough equipped to help you and your DS through this phase. Although the naughty step should really be a set time not 2-5mins, I personally think 5 mins is too long for a 22month old and wouldn't do it for any longer than 2mins, get the apology and move on.

I do understand how hard it is as a parent sometimes not to shout but some children will just learn to switch off to it, whereas the removal to the step/spot/wherever isn't something they can switch off to.

I would speak again with CM and discuss how everyone that cares for your son will react to the biting and then all stick to it, he will get through this phase (and onto the next one! My DD's latest is to spit at us after she has brushed her teeth, because she spits the toothpaste out in the sink she now things that spitting in general is a nice thing to do! I'm sure once this phase has finished it will be replaced with another!).

They're children, they do these things, it's how they learn what is and isn't acceptable and how bored would all us parents/CM's be if none of the DC's were ever little monkey's?!

LisaD1, thanks again. I will try to take your advice and hopefully it will slowly get better.... It is amazing when I realize how much I depend on a childminder's mercy..

I will discuss with my CM tonight. Thank you very much again.

The horror of knowing that your LO bit another child, my DD was a fairly regular biter at nursery between the ages of 13 months and 18 months she was a frustration biter, biting because she could vocalise her feelings. There are several different types of biter and identifying the trigger for the biting can really help in preventing it. Common triggers are frustration, tiredness, hunger and management involves removing the trigger which it sounds like your childminder is doing by not leaving your LO alone with other children.
DD did get it with the management policy similar to you child minders and she has now grown up into a well balanced 6 year old.

I thought removing from the room was a quite extreme management policy, but apparently it is just a simple trigger remover. You cannot imagine how I am scared to go to collect my DS after work today ? I do not want to hear that he bit someone again?

Naughty steps and removing from the room are considered extreme management nowadays (supernanny techniques are frowned upon).

Biting is nearly not always a malicious thing - it is often a form of expression - I love you SOOOOOO much, i am frustrated, overwhelming feelings etc Some children like to feel something between their teeth - its a sensory thing. None of which are nice for the victim though.

It sounds like the CM is doing the right thing, taking your DD with her when she leaves the room but there are other strategies that she could employ, which perhaps you could suggest:

the CM makes obs in a various form to see what is trigging the biting - is it at a particular time of day, is dd tired, hungry, is it a particular victim all the time - circumstances surrounding the incident.
Work out the triggers - whether its sensory/I am practising to be dracula/or specific trigger and then you can work out the distraction and intervention methods.

When she does bite a firm swift no, remove child to the other side of the room and make a HUGE MEGA fuss (cuddles, hugs etc)of over the victim - 'oh dear that hurts, that made you cry, i know thats ouch, biting hurts' (any one or a combination of these phrases) totally ignoring the biter for a few minutes.
After a few minutes, invite the biter to come and make amends by saying 'oh dear, biting hurts people/makes them sad, would you like to come and give xxx a hug to say sorry'

This technique helps the biter understand and see the direct consquences of their actions.

Hope it works out