What does this mean - 'we are a formal family'

[starberries]

Recently I contacted my previous boss to let her know a new family would be ringing her for a reference. She wrote me back yesterday telling me that they had called and she had given the reference no problem. She said the mother stated 'we are quite a formal family'

This job is not in a 'posh' area, the house is very typical of a London terraced house, they don't own fancy cars, I wasn't asked to take my shoes off, the mother was wearing jeans at the interview and had said she hadn't been able to get out of the house that morning with the baby dressed - she went in pyjamas. What do you think she meant by that 'formal' comment? Interested to hear from nannies and parents in this case please

Hmm. Difficult as it could mean a few different things. I would have thought it means either they are keen or 'proper' manners from the children (always please and thank you/asking before getting down from the table/using cutlery correctly etc) and expecting a nanny to reinforce the behaviour OR they prefer a 'formal' relationship with anyone who works for them i.e they give you clear guidelines what to do and you do - no discussion.

It means they call each other Mater and Pater, dress for dinner (black tie) and whip the children

On a more serious note, I'm not sure what that meant - did she say formal or normal?

Formal could mean they insist on manners, boundaries, routines etc rather than having a laissez-faire attitude to parenting. Just guessing here though.

She definitely said 'formal' and said something along the lines of 'I like things just so'. Not sure if that means they want to micromanage hope not or whether they like routine/structure/manners as suggested.

Guess it would be off colour for me to ask the family directly?

I think you'd better ask the mother. Do you get another interview?

I am guessing but think the woman was probably trying to say that the boundaries between employer and employee will be quite firmly marked in their household.

I've been offered the job just a couple of hours ago have not accepted yet (would like to but not sure about this comment!), so not sure if I should ask now or not?!

I'd avoid. Sounds like a pompous idiot. Sorry. I can't bare that.

I think if this is worrying you then you need clarificataion.
Can the agency go back for you and ask for this?
If not then you need to bite the bullet and ring and say you just want to check one or two things - about what she meant by being formal - can she please define for you as you want to make sure you are the right match for them.

Oh God.
I work for a 'formal' family.
Basically in my experience it tends to mean boundaries between employer and employee - they can treat you however they like and you can do nothing about it as 'answering back' or any kind of 'discussion' is not acceptable. What they say is gospel - however unreasonable.
I've found in the past families you do not live in a traditional formal setting can be like this as they feel insecure about employing 'staff' where as those who are used to it know there is a clear protocol.
Ask for clarification and if she can't give you a satisfactory answer run for the hills as it will be a nightmare. Have they ever had a nanny before?

It's a share between this mum and her PFB 8-month-old and next door's mum (who seemed very chilled out!) with a 2- and 5-yr-old.

I think I'll ask for clarification. Thanks for the opinions!

I suspect my family would be described a 'formal' family in that manners are top priority, we are what most people would call posh although I've never quite worked out what the social markers for that are and there are definitely ways to behave and ways not to behave.

My DHs family are formal because the children 'vous' their parents instead of 'tu'.

In nannying work I think they mean that the relationship is very defined and that you are expected to be 'seen and not heard'. Definitely agree that any family who feels the need to state that is probably not used to employing staff and like to think that they will be formal. Can you talk to a previous 'staff member'?

I would think that they would be pompous, bombastic and inflated with a false sense of their own importance.

I would have assumed they meant no dashing from the bathroom to the bedroom in only a towel, but clearly I've got the wrong end of the stick.

hmm prefer normal to formal

Is this a live in role?. If it is then I agree with bibbitybobbityhat. The mother means that there is a boundary between you and the family. I would expect this to mean you eat dinner with the children, you do not sit in their living room with the 2 adults in the evening, they expect you to sit in your own room or another room or entertain yourself eg go out with friends. It does not necessarily mean they expect to treat you like a servant with no answering back. If she meant being a private family / wanting their own adult space when they get home in the evening that would have been a better and clearer defination. Lots of families (and mums on Mumsnet ) are like this ... read the threads associated with AP's on the topic of how not to have AP's sit with you in the evening !!!. Personally I would give the Mum and bell and ask her what she meant. If its the above I wouldn't worry ... unless you do want to sit with your bosses all evening . If however she does say formal relationship between employer and servant then run for the hills

dont' you think chances are she did say 'normal'?

Yes, had a chat and definitely was not 'formal'

Crisis averted!

What was said?