CMs - I need a little advice about mindee crying a lot.............

[looneytune]

Hi everyone

I don't come here as often as I used to but thought I'd come and ask for some advice

I've been childminding 4 and half years now so have gone through many different phases with many different children but I feel this situation is a little different and am still trying to decide what I think I should do.

Basically, we (I work with dh now) have an 18 month old mindee who started with us just under 3 months ago and was contracted to do 3 mornings a week (5 hours per day). He's a lovely little boy, he really is and when he started, he wasn't at all clingy, very confident etc. and mum did say he'd just get on with it and she wasn't worried about him settling in etc. Anyway, he only came for 2 mornings then unfortunately ended up in hospital for quite a while and on medication for a couple of months. The poor thing was very poorly and we were all so worried about him. Luckily he pulled through and his mum contacted me to arrange for him to come back. He started back with us mid December. He's now attended about 12 of these morning sessions since he's been back but of course we've had the long Christmas break so it's not been continuous.

The poor thing doesn't like doors being opened/closed, either that or it's the fact people are coming/going. He gets himself in a right state and because he comes at 8am and we have various drop off times, this can go on a lot until after 9.30am when the last drop off time is. When all this is happening I do cuddle him but then he wriggles to get down or stays up but still crying. Sometimes this amount of crying can make others cry. He's the same if one of us pops upstairs or something as the stairgate is being opened then closed. All this I'm putting down to separation anxiety and his mum has confirmed he's the same at home. He's teething too but I really don't think this is all down to that, I think it's linked to all the stuff he went through when poorly? I know he doesn't like closed spaces and we're trying to get back to our toddler groups but trying to settle him first (I've been through taking children like this to groups with them screaming and I find they are usually worse so try and settle them with us first then get back to routine). We went to the park yesterday and it was very hard work. He ran around for a very short time but then was exactly the same, crying all the time (so definitely not about closed spaces or doors). I know he gets really tired too but he often refuses to sleep unless he's 'fallen asleep' i.e. in the highchair.

I'm beginning to wonder if some of it is that he's rather have 1:1 attention and we do have a lot of children here (during his hours once the big kids are at school, we have up to 6 x 1-2 yr olds). He will go off and play but will start crying as soon as someone else gets some attention.

I really really want to make this work but I also need to think about the care of the other children as it's definitely affecting what we're able to do with them. We easily have the 6 x 1-2 year olds with no problem when it's not the day that this mindee comes, it's just all the tears is very unsettling and no-one can hear very well so communication with the others is affected when he's here.

WWYD? I want to chat to mum about this but won't right now as they've just had a family bereavement so it wouldn't be right just now. These are the things going through my mind:

1. Decide on how many weeks to continue with this and if there is no improvement, maybe either give notice or suggest trying again in a couple of months

2. Suggest we have the later start time of 9.30am so we don't start off the day with a lot of upset from the open/closed doors

3. Suggest they try him with someone who doesn't work with so many children

Any thoughts? Oh, by the way, FYI mum doesn't work atm (long story) but does need this time really so ideally she needs childcare that will work and then when she's ready for work, he's already settled. But for now she's pretty flexible.

Sorry this is so long.

TIA

This doesn't sound right for you or him does it? Frankly I would give notice, but offer to 'start again', with short settling-in visits of half hour to 1 hour with mum present and see how it goes.

Coming from this not as a childminder, but as the mother of a child who spent a lot of time in hospital - I think he needs to settle down at home first and get over the trauma of his illness.
His mum is available for this at the moment,so I'd say you should suggest he stays at home for 6 weeks or so with lots of one-to-one attention from her before trying to come back to you.
It's not as if you are letting her down by suggesting this. If she isn't working at the moment it should be okay with her. Far better to have this sorted before she goes back to work.
But for the sake of the other children in your care, you can't go on like this.

I would go with a later drop off for him

His day would not start so stressfully

he has had a lot of upheaval poor wee sausage and tbh resettling him in a different setting might not help wrt bonding etc

good luck looney

I had (and still have) one like this and I found it was mostly tiredness (by the way 4 months later he's completely different).

Some toddlers this age still need a nap in the morning and a longer one in the afternoon - I just had to insist on this at the same time each day and lie him back in the pushchair when we were out and put him in the cot when we were in. I knew that if I didn't do this I would have him screaming all day! It was affecting the other mindees and my family and I nearly gave notice but then he just seemed to turn the corner.

Also, as you say, some toddlers just can't cope with a lot of hustle and bustle so he is probably being affected by the amount of children you have. That's not you're fault I know but maybe he does need more one to one.

I would try the sleeping method and if this doesn't work after say a month I would give notice and then try again when Mum goes back to work.

His spell in hospital probably set him back in the beginning too.

Good luck.

I too would try the later drop off first, less stress hopefully to the begining of his day.

I have in the past had a similar situation whereby had to give notice but I had tried everything to resolve it.

I am not a childminder.
But my son was very poorly when little, and it culminated in an appendctomy just before he was 4. He was quite traumatized after the event, and was scared of many things, needles and knives in particular. We were also told that the GA would affect his personality slightly and his memory. It took a few months before he was back to normal.

I had one like this too - in fact my friend called him screamer. With him it was utter exhaustion. They had no routine with him - do you think maybe his home routine has changed a lot too, and the whole thing has upset and if he is tired.

The one I had slept for 7.5 minutes a day during the time I ahd him 08.00am till 4.30pm. This was from the age of 6 months.

I'd talk to mum and try #1 if she agrees.

See if Mum will go back to a kind of settling in process again. Starting with short days and gradually building up as he gets more confident? It's a tough one. I'm sure he will settle again, once he is less anxious. He has had a tough time.

Thanks all, sorry I didn't come back sooner. I will see how mum is on Monday and try and have a chat about this to see what's what. I definitely think the later start time would help. It's hard as I know he's the same at home but he doesn't have all the comings and goings on top of that. Will see what mum says.

Thanks so much for all your comments, it's really helpful to see people's experience. I must admit, I did think it was quite soon after all his hospital treatment to come back. Maybe he needs a bit more time but it's also hard as although mum doesn't work, she's not a well person herself and really needs some time to rest after medication etc. It's so difficult!!

Wish me luck

WOW, what a different morning we had today!!!! Much better, lets hope it wasn't a fluke!! Going to brave group tomorrow and hopefully he won't get to upset

Thanks again everyone x

We'll be there and I'll help if I can.

Wahoooooooooo, all fine! Definitely seem to have turned a corner

HSMM - thanks for your help with the paintng aprons earlier