How do I handle this? (sensitive subject)

[inkyone]

Good afternoon everyone.

I really need some advice with quite a tricky and senstive subject.

I am a nanny and have been working for my curent family for a few years now. It look like that I soon may need a fair amount of time off soon, and this is the hard part...

The reason I need time off is to attend a court case to give evidence against the man who abused me as a child. Without wanting to go into detail, the abuse took place between the ages of thirteen and sixteen. After keeping silent for years, I finally reported it the police, but in the end didn`t have the guts to go through with pressing charges and giving evidence. However, I got a phone call from the police (who had kept all the details on record) saying that the four othjer girls (including two of his daughters) had come forward saying he had also abused them, and that it was going to court. I have finally agreed to give evidence against him.

How on earth do I even start explain this to my MB? I don`t even know how long it will take in court, or how many days I will need to be in attendance. Will I have to take this time off as holiday, or unpaid leave? Do I HAVE to tell MB the reason why I need to be there? Even writing the words is hard, let alone actually telling my emplolyer.

I am sorry, I realise that is probably not a common problem (or at least I hope not!) but if anyone has even the tinest bit of advice on how to handle this, it would be most weloome!

I would say that you have been asked to give evidence in a criminal trial, these are the approximate dates and you don't expectit to take more than x- the police may be able to advise.

Don't say why the trial is taking place.

You also shouldn't be expected to be in the court except when giving evidence and for summing up etc if you want to be.

Good for you! I think the fact you are willing to testify shows your strength and not your weakness. I would try to keep to the facts. I would give mum the big picture but wouldn't go into a million details. And I would put it in writing.

Someone else will come along to advise on employment law and whether your time off is paid.

But, really, you are probably only talking a couple of days? If this is so, you could probably just take holiday and not tell MB. But, if she found out elsewhere, she might be offended that she didn't hear it from you.

Ask your employer to set aside some time for you to have a proper chat. Tell them as much as you can, but you don't have to say what the case is - say you would rather not in fact. This is a complicated situation and you will need them on board - I hope they will be supportive, afterall you have worked for them for some years. Above all, don't spend time worrying about the details, things will sort themselves out and you can work it out together.

And the reason I would put this in writing is so I wouldn't be reduced to tears and make a blubbering fool of myself as I started to tell the story. (but maybe that is just me)

If you book holiday you don't need to tell her anything although, but if you can't predict how many days you will need or when exactly it will be then you are going to have to say something. I think telling her the real reason would meet with lots of sympathy (well it would from me anyway) if you can bring yourself to discuss it. What you are doing is very brave. Your employer may pay you for the time off but they probably aren't obliged to do so. It may depend whether they can easily afford to do so as they will presumably need to arrange alternative childcare at short notice. If not maybe you can reach a compromise with them - possibly half pay or maybe you take some days as holiday and they give you some days off? If you can't bear to give the real reason you could perhaps just say you have been asked by the police to be a witness against the accused in a court case without saying what's involved, you could perhaps say it has been very upsetting for you so you would rather not talk about it. However, I think the open approach would garner more sympathy and support for you from the family and possibly also paid leave. If you aren't paid you might possibly be entitled to some sort of payment from the prosecution for attending as a witness (I think you are entitled to expenses, not sure what happens about 'loss of earnings' but you may get something).

What I know from witness giving, the lawyer who have requested you as a witness will send you a letter well in advance of when you are needed as a witness giving you the details of when you are needed. You only have to go on the days that you are giving evidence, which really should be no more than two days.

On past experience I would not tell your employer why you need the time off, unless you can say you have to give evidence in a trial and you know she wouldn't press you to tell or assume you had done something wrong.

Thanks everyone for the quick replies and advice.

I think what I will do is wait till I have a rough idea of how much time I will need off, and decide how to approach it from there.

One thing that really worries me about telling MB is how some people react to this kind of thing. There is still a belief that people who were abused as children will go on to abuse others/are secretly derranged and/or are planning a mass murdering spree. I dont want her to think that it will somehow affect my job- it wont and it doesnt- Im quite sane :D

I have just in fact recived a phonecall from the lovely policewoman dealing with the case, and she has assured me I would be needed for three days at the most to give evidence. So once I am sure of the exact dates, I will decide wether to book those days as holiday, or tell MB whats going on.

Once again thanks everyone for the great advice.

It has to be your call but I wouldn't tell her unless you know for certain she won't react badly. I was sacked from one nanny job because I was brought up in care and one interview came to an abrupt halt after going well once they knew I didn't see my parents.

BTW you are doing the right thing going to court.

Inkyone, you have my sympathy, it can't be easy and you're very brave. I did a quick Google search and you might find this link from the Crown Prosecution Service useful:

www.cps.gov.uk/legal/v_to_z/witnesses_expenses_and_allowances/

Witnesses may receive compensation for:

travelling expenses
money spent on refreshments and meals
financial loss (e.g. loss of earnings)
other expense incurred (e.g. childcare)

So even IF you don't get paid for the days you attend court, you should be able to claim it as expenses.

This link is also very useful:

www.cjsonline.gov.uk/witness/faqs/

Good luck!

Fab- that is awful. I hope you sued your employers for unfair dissmal?
CB- thanks for the links, will have a proper look at them now

No, I didn't. How on Earth would I have proved it? I got my notice period paid.

I wouldn't tell your boss unless you're really, really sure she'd react well. There was a thread on here not long ago with a mum wondering about not hiring a nanny just because she'd heard gossip that the nanny had been abused as a child. There are some people that hold awful views still on this kind of thing.

Fab - I`m really sorry to hear about that- sounds as if you are better off not working for them.

Missus- thats what Im worried about, i really dont know how she`d react.

When you get the dates, take the time off as holiday - I wouldn't even mention it's a court case as she may press for more details.

Ok you need to be prepared for the fact that there are very often a lot of delays in criminal trials and that the criminal justice unit who deal with warning witnesses for trial and understaffed and disorganised.

I don't want to put you off - I think you are doing an amazing thing but you need to be prepared that you could turn up every day for a week and not be used as a witness (due to various delays) until the following week.

Personally as past employer of a nanny I would be horrified for my nanny if she told me that this was why she needed time off. I would do everything in my power to ensure she didn't feel worried or concerned about work and to make the process as easy as possible for her.

Personally I would tell your employer and if you get a negative response you ought to be running a mile. The alternative is that even the most reasonable of employers might think you are being a bit underhand if it is obvious something is going on but you are not prepared to say.

Best wishes.

Inky Firstly well done you are being very brave and definately doing the right thing for you and the other witnesses involved in the case.

A couple of things that you should think about re: whether to tell your MB

1. Criminal trials are in the public domain have a press gallery and may be in the local newspaper (although we were warned that the case we were involved in may be it was still as shock to see it made the front pages and BBC)so keep in mind that your MB may find out this way.

1. You will receive a pack from CPS in which you can file a claim for expenses / loss of earnings, you may need payslips from your employer to verify your income the form also asked for employer details. It is up to you if you decide to claim or not, if you wanted to you could just claim travel exps.

It must be so very hard for you to come to a decision on this but personally I feel that it would be better from you than someone / somewhere else as it would be more of a shock to MB. I can understand your concerns about pre-concieved ideas, however you have worked with this family for a few years, they know you and trust you. i found out recently something similar about a friend who I have known for a long time, I was very sad for her, but also very proud that she has become the lovely person she has despite the crappy start in life, I would trust her without a doubt to care for my DD and I am extremely fussy.

Best wishes to you x

I'm so sorry you're going through this and I think you're incredibly brave.

If you can face it you should tell your MB that you need to be a witness in a court case but it's very sensitive and you can't really talk about it. That leaves it open for can't as in prevented from talking about it or can't as in it's too distressing. When it comes to the time you can judge the level of media interest and if appropriate say the case in the papers is the one you're giving evidence for. If you really feel up to it/think your identity is likely to be revealed then you can tell her you're giving evidence as a victim.

I wish you all the very best.

Agree with posters above, I employ a nanny and would be really supportive about this. Mine has told me some difficult personal things and hasn't changed my views at all. However, you shouldn't feel you need to unless you have that kind of relationship but I would say it's a trial as there is likely to be flexibility required and it will be hard to manage without this being clear. Also be a bit odd when you are asked how your holiday was and you look miserable!

well done for giving evidence, it is a truely brave thing to do xx

i personally would tell your mb, strix's letter is what i would do as i would certianly blub and prob wouldnt be able to get what i wanted to say ( i have blubbed on mb's shoulder when my hammy died [blush} and when my dearlt beloved uncle died

you have been with your family for a few years and sure mb knows how much you love and care for your charges and would never think you would abuse them xx

Thanks again for the great advice and support I`ve reciveved.

I relly dont feel brave about all this trust me- if the other victims hadnt have had come forward I don`t think I would be doing this.

One thing I hadn`t thought about at all is that a lot of people may end up finding out about this- although my parents, sister and partner know, they only know the barest details and thats the way I want it to stay :s I definatly did not want my grandparents and friends to find out at all.

I`m still undecided as what to tell MB- if I do tell her I think I will do what few people have suggested, and write a letter giving the barest details, and hide upstairs with my charges whilst she reads it- that way if she has any questions I could set up an activty for the children while we talk.

I promise my next post will be on a more cheerful subject!