Advice please - what would you do re: childminder's personal life (long!)

[CeeCee123]

Hi, I'm just trying to gauge if I've got a real problem here or if I'm overreacting.

My son (2.5) has been going to his childminder full time for over a year now. In many respects she's been great. He loves her, is always happy to see her, she's very flexible, always willing to help out and never complains if we need to juggle time around e.g. arrive a bit early or pick up a bit late one day.
She clearly loves him to and is very affectionate - buys him presents at Christmas and his birthday etc. etc. In one sense we felt that he was part of her extended family. She has four children of her own including two teenage daughters who just dote on our son, and two older children in their twenties.

For about 4 months or so now she's been seeing this guy who has started staying over at hers, and a couple of times we've arrived at her house to find she's not there as she's travelling back from his. I'm not crazy about this guy, not really much I can put my finger on except I don't really like the way he talks around my son (for example he refers to his own son as a "ginger tosser"). I've been wondering for a while what the situation is regarding the change to her circumstance and if this guy should be police checked. I know that he works in schools so I'm assuming that he already is, but I don't know that for sure.

What really has pushed us over the edge was today my DH arrived to be told by the CM that she had spent most of the weekend in and out of hospital because at a party she and the BF were at on Saturday night, the BF was attacked by another guy and knocked out cold. The BF was at the CM house this morning recuperating and the CM told my husband, in front of my son, the gruesome details about the fight, the BF needing stitches etc. etc.

My DH immediately asked if this guy knew where she lived and whether all was safe! She assured him that he didn't know her address, that it was all to do with what happened at the party, that our son was safe etc. etc. DH reluctantly decided to trust her, and so far no further incidents have taken place.

Now, I know that it is not the BF's fault (as far as we can tell) that he was beaten up, but on a Monday morning, neither of us need to be at work worrying about our son, or what he heard, or what he'll see when the BF appears with a beaten up face. I think it is just bringing a lot of niggling worries to a head and we've been looking around at nurseries today. Of course, they are wildly more expensive (500 more a month!) than the CM but that's a side point.

I guess, in one way it would break my heart to have to take him away from someone he has such a close bond with, but on the other hand this whole thing really worries me. Do you think that I should give her another chance or not take any risks at all? TIA for any advice!

I think the fact that she isn't always there when you drop your son off is outrageous.

personally, i would move him.

I wouldn't be using a CM who isn't there when you drop off. Completely unacceptable. Also if she has someone staying at her house on a regular basis I would want to know that they had been CRB checked. I'm surprised you haven't asked. If you have a good relationship with the CM you should be able to express your concerns. If you can't then you need to find alternative childcare imo.

I'm a childminder as well as a mum and alarm bells are seriously ringing here no matter what hat I'm wearing.

Your CM should ALWAYS be there at drop off (unless something has happened to her/family emergency)not just because she's travelling back, that's her problem to ensure she leaves in plenty of time.

If this BF is staying at her house regularly then he needs a CRB check AND she must notify Oftsed.

If this were my child (my own DD is 2.3) I would be removing him with immediate effect.

If the CM isn't there when you drop your child off, who are you leaving him with?

I honestly feel if you have doubts about someone then you should act on them. Doesn't matter how big or small really when it comes to your child.

The CM really ought to have the common sense to know not to speak like that in front of a child.

Ok, thanks for your replies. The BF staying over is very new and the missed drop off was only once (as DH reminded me). We are going to sit down with her tomorrow morning and lay out all our concerns. I would like to at least give her the opportunity to resolve these problems before disrupting his life to that extent. And yes, I will insist I see his police certificate and that Ofsted is notified.

get rid of this cm. men come and go in the lives of these sort of women, i know this first hand, you cant replace your son but you can replace your cm.

i just don't like the sound of it

a man describing his son as a "ginger tosser"
a cm thinking it appropriate to give the details of a fight infront of a toddler
a toddler seeing a grown man all bruised and beaten up.

is this the sort of environment you want for your child? you are PAYING for this care.

don't mean to be blunt, but honestly, no way would my children be exposed to this.

i can see this 2 ways . i have actually become good friends with the parents of the children i mind and they come in and tell me about there weekend and nites out they have had and any incidents that has happend they obviously dont shout it so children dont hear it and are straight in and away to the toys. so i suppose i do the same and tell my parents about thing that happen. also any1 could be wrong place wrong time and get battered could be the childs dad your not going to keep your child away from his dad to avoid him seeing you face when use actually live together.
and not being there once at drop of well have you never been ever to slightly late for wrk.
if there are no other problems and its this one that that concerns you then i think this is a one off thing not to worry to much about.
obviously if everytime use chatted she told you about fights then i would be worried

you have both passed the boundaries and become friends and so have lost the professional element essential in childminding. You should both be friendly but not friends.I am a cm and thats my approach.

I dont think its accceptable to use the word 'tosser' infront of parents or children or to discuss violent fights.. very strange.

she isnt professional.. give notice and move on..

surely if he is staying over he needs to be crbed - i thought anyonr over 16 needs to be if they are in a cm house?

and yes she should be there when you drop off your child at the right time - thats very slak and unprofessional imho

xoxcherylxox,

You and I obviously have very different ideas about childminding...

CM not being there at drop off is unacceptable.

Using the word 'tosser' in front of child is unacceptable.

Having a bruised and battered boyfriend in the house is unacceptable. In fact, having a newish boyfriend there at all whilst minding is unacceptable, CB checked or not.

please find a different cm asap. Don't bother with the details of this one... this sounds horrible and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it
try
this site it's very helpful.
Where are you located?

Agree with everyone who said give notice.

If this guy uses bad language in front of you what's going on when your'e not their.

so what if it was your husband would you send him away for the week. think everyone forgets that they are actually taking there child to someones house where that person lives the same way the parent lives in there house and does the same things they would do in there house

no, but if i was being PAID to CARE for someone's child i wouldn't be behaving like that. i wouldn't be detailing a fight. i wouldn't have a bf there using words like "tosser" and battered and bruised he certainly would be kept out of sight when i was working, which the cm is actually doing.

can't believe you think this is ok.

i dont completly agree i never swear in front of the children and neither does my husband but i have parent who swear infront of me and there child and mine as that is the way the talk the swear word just gets added in as an extra word to there sentence.they dont even realise they are doing it
i have however also had different kinds of parents. the very professional kind in well paid jobs who speak proper. and the kind who just have an normal job on average wage,down to earth people, get help with childcare and are very common average people or on one occasion were quite ruff. all these people have different ways of communicating and different views on what to expect from me. i class myself the same as the average down earth parent and thats when i friendship starts. where as with the professional parents they only see you as paid childcare and thats all they expect.

I'm a Childminder myself and agree with most of the other posters I'm afraid. And Cheryl, I WOULD send my dh upstairs out of site if something like this happened to him (highly unlikely!). How scary for little children to see a messed up face. And to discuss all this in front of the children is totally unacceptable. There are life lessons for children to learn, yes, but this is NOT one of them! We found our much loved cat dead in next doors garden on Monday morning and although we had tears, we tried our very best to make this minimal until after work and when we did have tears, we made sure we explained that we were ok and not to worry, that we were just very sad and then explained what had happened and how he'd gone to heaven etc. It's been VERY hard to TRY and act normal (we'd had him 11 years) BUT this is my business, I am PAID to look after these children so they have to come first. If we really couldn't have handled it, we'd have had to close and refund parents but luckily it's been fine and most parents have praised the way we've explained things etc.

Sorry, that diverted some what but my point is, this is a BUSINESS and we need to remain professional. I used to be one of those CMs who was just professional and would be friendly but not friends with the parents. I do have a couple that I sometimes see outside of work now and I admit was worried about the relationship being too friendly but it was fine purely because these people know business is business and personal stuff is separate. I still remain professional when I'm working and would NOT ever have a conversation like this during working hours!!

This may be my home but I chose to childmind and therefore have had to make lots of sacrifices like may of us CMs have!

Cheryl - I do hope you explain to the swearing parents that they can't do this in your home. I'm afraid I'd have words and actually have had words about little things I think are unacceptable. It's part of my behaviour policies and I don't want other children copying.

Well said Looney we may be working from home but I don't behave like I'm at home when I'm working.

And yes I have told parents in the past not to swear in my house. My house My rules if they don't like it they can find another minder who doesn't mind rough language / talk.

I did waffle on though didn't I!!! lol Sorry, bad week and all but it does annoy me when childminder's want the best of both worlds!!!