Is this a job for an au pair or not?

[FrozenNorth]

Any advice appreciated.

DC2 is due in March. DC1, who will be aged 18 months in March, is in childcare 8.30-5.30 Monday to Friday (nanny). However, evenings will be spent on my own with both children (DH is away with the army). Am wondering whether an au pair would be a good solution in terms of getting a little extra help on weekday evenings with getting dinner ready and feeding DC1, then putting her to bed whilst juggling a newborn. For example, it would be great to have someone to hold the baby whilst I bathe DC1 / get DC1 into pajamas if the newborn needs a feed. There would also be some very light housework asked of the au pair during the day (perhaps 2-3 hours per week total) including doing the children's laundry. I do not anticipate the au pair would ever be left alone in the house with either child. Au pair would therefore be asked to work about 5 early evenings a week but would have most days free to study, socialise etc.

My question is this: do you feel this is an appropriate role for an au pair? Is this too much / too little to ask? Would it be likely to attract any applicants, or is the evening working going to put applicants off? If not an au pair's role, can anyone suggest an alternative solution - blooming terrified about juggling two children under two every evening without losing my sanity.

Thanks in advance - I'm ignorant of how the au pair system works so sorry if I've made any elementary errors in understanding.

I dont see why not as you will be in the house all of the time and just need extra help

could you not increase your nanny's hours a couple of days a week to help you out?

I think that sounds like a reasonable workload for an au-pair especially as its not sole charge. You might get more interest if you offer one night off mid week (as well as weekends off) but I think its fine.

Thanks for your replies so far!

gizzy1973 - it's something I've considered but my nanny does not want to work longer hours than 8.30-5.30 as she has domestic commitments of her own.

I also have to admit that I simply enjoy having someone else in the house some of the time whilst my DH is away. The house can feel awfully big and empty otherwise. If the au pair wished to eat with me then it would be great to have someone to cook for - it's never worth making something really nice for just one person (myself).

reindeerrusso - the mid-week night off is a good idea. It would make sure that the au pair got the chance to do some evening socialising / just relax with the TV for the evening I guess.

Sounds fine for an aupair.

In terms of weekday evening off, you could keep it flexible. Some aupairs might prefer Friday night, which is their big socialising night.

Cooking is a relatively rare skill for an aupair. I suppose an omelette or toast will be fine. But anything more, might be tricky. I get aupairs to chop vegetables and do general preparation, rather than the actual cooking.

I will however add one caveat. Your dcs may or may not accept going to the aupair if you are there. If your dc1 has not seen you the whole day, she might not actually want to be entertained by the aupair. She will pester you instead. And won't allow the aupair to put her to bed.

So you might have better success with giving the baby to the aupair. Or getting the aupair to do washing up and tidying, rather than childcare in the evenings.

I think in terms of the hours/duties required you will have no problems attracting good candidates as long as you are prepared to be flexible - and the AP should also be prepared to be flexible with you!

I do agree with what blueshoes has said regarding your dc1 possibly not wanting to go to the au pair if you are there.

I had an AP from about half-way through my Maternity Leave as I was really struggling to cope with dd1(3.5) and dd2(18 months) and dd3(4 months). dd2 adored our AP but refused to let her do anything if I was there which meant I often had to hand her the baby whilst I took care of dd2. Incidently dd2 was the same with DH and other family/friends - it always had to be "Mummy" so it wasn't just with the AP so maybe your dc1 will be different.

And also please (and I speak from experience, I had 3 under 3's when dd3 arrived) don't worry/panic/stress too much about the coping with two under 2's, it will work out for you! Best wishes for March x

what would the ap be going during the day (ie not annoying the nanny )

would you be better off getting a mothers help in when your nanny left and do 5.30 to 8.30?

i know several familys in my area who have a 4-8 nanny

are the gps about?

is dh away for months on end?

Hi - just wanted to pop on and give some answers based on my one and only experience with an au pair. We had an au pair join us when DS was 2 years old with the view to also having another pair of hands for when bub arrived. DS was in care 8.30 to 5pm 3 days a week (at nursery on the days I worked) and home the other 2 days a week.

I wanted an au pair to work 7am to 8.30am (on the 3 mornings I worked) and 5 to 7 in the evenings. On DS day off, she was to play with him etc. for a few hours a day.

The au pair interviewed really well. The role was fully explained and she accepted the job. One month in, she gave notice with no warning. I think the reasons below were why.

• she complained that she didnt get to spend enough time with DS. Especially on the days he was in care.

• I think she struggled with the lack of verbal interaction that you get with a toddler. She wasnt able to practice her language skills with him.

- DS himself was fine to play with her but as others have warned, she wasnt able to do one bathtime/ bedtime because I was in the house. He was insistent that I came.

From your perspective; you also need to think about how you will feel having an au pair around in the first few weeks after giving birth. Once the au pair had been around a few weeks, I realised that I wasnt going to feel comfortable wandering around semi clad/ breastfeeding/ expressing in front of her.

The role you describe is totally one for an au pair, but I would really try and make sure that he/ she

a) understands that the toddler has another full time carer and that as a result her interaction will be limited with DC1
b) select someone who has experience with the 0-2 age group. If they have normally worked with older DC's, the reality of playing/ interacting with a toddler will only hit home once they start with you
c) since you are looking for someone to keep you company aswell and your toddlers vocab is still limited, you may find it better to find either an english speaking au pair or one whose english is to a good standard. Our Au Pairs english was quite good, but even simple conversations were not easy.

Is a mothers help not an option?

i will echo what some others have said. my ds loves aupair but if i am there its always "mummy do it"
especially putting him to bed and reading stories. my hubby and i both work long hours full time however we try and ensure one of us is there for the bedtime routine....aupair has only had to do it once in 5 months so we not done too bad....
i would try get the aupair to do stuff like cleaning, tidying, washing etc
and then looking after baby whilst you get other one sorted

Blondes has a point about the nanny probably not liking having the aupair in the house during the day. Does your nanny spend a lot of time in the house with dc1?

I find that people I employ to work in the house don't tend to like each other eg the cleaner does not like the aupair or the builder. They whisper in my ear about the deficiencies of the others. Never figured that out.

I think aupair works better with fulltime nursery, rather than ft nanny. You will have to talk to your existing nanny about the aupair in the house and see what she says.

The aupair might very well come and go, but from experience, they like lie-ins and I can see how it would be annoying for your nanny to be on duty whilst another person takes it easy and 'watches' her work. Plus the confusion to your dc1 that she only goes to the nanny but not the aupair during the day.

I actually don't see why you need anyone!!! You will soon get into a routine, really!

Is your nanny definitely staying on after you go on maternity leave?

Thanks everyone for your responses!

To answer a few of the questions people asked:
We've had a lodger for the last few months and our nanny has got on with her very well, so I'm hopeful she'd do the same with an au pair. Of course I wouldn't start looking for an au pair without thoroughly talking it through with nanny first - I would hate to do anything that made her uncomfortable. Harrietthespy - nanny is staying on until at least August next year (so throughout my 12 weeks of maternity leave), hopefully longer.

I live well outside London so I think getting a mother's help would prove pretty difficult, otherwise it's an option we'd certainly look into. There's no family or friends around willing to help out (nearest relatives are 4 hours away), and DH tends only to be home very sporadically for the odd weekend. His next trip to Afganistan is in January, and we're not sure if he'll make it to the birth of DC2 or not.

Perhaps I'm wrong to be so worried about how I'll cope with 2 under 2. I suspect I've been scarred by the experience of DC1, who was a tiny IUGR baby with horrendous reflux and other gastric issues. We could not place her down horizontal for the first 3 months of her life without horrendous vomiting and her stopping breathing on several occasions. Despite her being an easier child now, I've found it pretty challenging just being pregnant and caring for DC1 at the same time (plus holding down full-time job etc.). DC1 does not by any means sleep through the night yet and needs plenty of 'parenting to sleep'. I really want breastfeeding to work with DC2 (I exclusively pumped for 13 months with DC1) but just can't imagine how bathing and putting DC1 to bed can be compatible with the cluster-feeding of a newborn. I also can't imagine how i'll manage to feed myself and DC1 proper meals without someone to hold / watch the baby. DH is unlikely to be granted any parental leave (the army has great flexibility with employment regulations).

I think all your points about DC1's unwillingness to do things with au pair if I'm around are particularly useful - and I particularly appreciate hearing about your personal experience of employing au pairs.

Any further feedback is really, really appreciated - as indeed would be any information about how you recruited an au pair, should we decide to go ahead with this option.

frozennorth I remember well the difficulties of balancing the demands of BF newborn with caring for toddlers, TBH the worries I had prior to birth of dd3 were far worse than the actual reality, the early days were tough but we soon got into the swing of things. My family are all 250 miles away so weren't able to just "pop over" to help out!

I really do appreciate that after the health concerns you had with dc1 that you feel anxious - I would too. I also think that you want to just have another adult around for company for yourself in the evenings and an AP can really be a great addition to the family, our was a big sister to the children and a little sister and good friend to me - and 2 of them were fantastic cooks. We remain very close with our AP's and they stay in close contact with the children.

I use www.aupairworld.net and have found all my au pairs on this site. Good luck with your search and feel free to CAT me if you want as I have some contacts from the site that I can pass to you (we aleady have an agreement in place with our next au pair)

Hi Frozen north, was just wondering whereabouts you're posting from - display name would suggest the north!

I'm currently employed as a live-in mother's help - basically an au-pair role, but I'm English, whilst I study - I'm living in London, but desperately homesick and hoping to find a position further north. I know I'm being really forward, but feel free to drop me a note - it sounds just like the kind of position I'm after.

Peacockparty, fingers crossed, I was just going to suggest asking on here.. But wasn't sure if it was still allowed!

Peacockparty - just tried to send you a message but a screen came up saying that your preferences were set to not receive messages. Is it possible for you to change the settings, or alternatively to send me a message, since I would love to get in touch with you?

PS - have just changed own e-mail settings to allow messages to get through.

Ugh, just realised that I have to subscribe to the CAT facility. Am going to subscribe as would like to seek HairExtensions' expertise, but if you still would like to contact me Peacockparty then ecook23 @ hotmail.com (without the spaces) will do it.

If you can afford it, it sounds ideal, as long as you have room for his/her own room

OP... your job sounds like an ideal aupair job to me....

so long as she knows that nanny is in charge during nannies hours and she stays out of the way at criticla times, you know, meals, getting out of the house etc, then it sounds like you have a lovely position for an au pair!

FrozenNorth I have e-mailed you my contact details on Hotmail

I have DCs with the same age interval as you. DH was working long hours but was at least in the same city! I think you are right to look for help - early evenings were the worst time for me, DC2 glued to the boob and DC1 throwing food around at tea time.

I had a mother's help PT. As others have said, she got DC2 while DC1 got mummy.