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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

new nanny isn't very nice

21 replies

nannyneedsadvice · 04/12/2009 19:14

hi everyone

i really need some advice. i went to see my old family today but when i got there mb and db weren't home so i was just with the little boy and the new nanny. i was really horrified at the way she treats him and interacts with him because she shouts all the time and she doesn't have any patience. he can be stubborn and awkward sometimes but she just doesnt seem like she can handle him. when he didn't want to put his coat on she was grabbing his arms and pushing them into his coat and was really close to his face shouting that if he didn't put his coat on then they were going to be late for school and it would all be his fault. he's a really good kid underneath it all but sometimes he just gets stubborn and won't do what you want. when i was there she didn't play with him at all she just let me do that and she was doing something else.

she's quite nice to the older children and they seem to hug her loads and say they like her but she's still quite shouty with them and says they don't do as they're told and it makes her so cross. she said that when we were in the kitchen together because i helped her get tea ready. she was whinging loads about mb and db as well and how they never come home on time and she has to babysit lots and sometimes they both go away but i know its not true she babysits lots. just 2 nights a week like i did because mb and db wouldn't take the p even if sometimes they have to go away.

i didn't say anything to mb because i was really embarassed and it felt awkward because the nanny is live in so i couldn't mention it when the nanny wasn't there and now i don't know if i should. i don't think she's putting the kids in danger she just isn't very nice and i don't know what to do because i love those kids so much and the little boy just isn't as happy and settled as he was with me. i know it takes time to adjust but i've been gone for a while now and she wasn't like this on the week we had together. it breaks my heart seeing my little boy treated like that because i looked after him since he was born and if she was my nanny i would be so annoyed that she was treating my kids like that but i don't want it to look like i just don't like the new nanny and i'm jelous.

do you think i should say anything?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FabIsVeryHappy · 04/12/2009 19:24

He isn't your little boy.

If the mother asks you what you think of the new nanny, then tell her. Other than that you will have to think about what you are planning on saying to her and how you will feel if she doesn't believe you and won't let you see the kids.

foxinsocks · 04/12/2009 19:25

maybe you saw her on a bad day?

would it be worth popping round on another day, then if you saw this again, I would say something

choufleur · 04/12/2009 19:26

why did you leave?

spottedandstriped · 04/12/2009 19:52

I would want to know if my nanny was shouting at my children - you should say something

Roastchicken · 04/12/2009 20:46

As a mum, I'd want to know, though it would be hard news to take.

Maria2007loveshersleep · 04/12/2009 21:49

Yes, I would certainly want to know too, especially if this was coming from someone (like you) who knows & cares about my children. I wouldn't wait for the MB to ask your opinion, I would offer it.

But then again there is this other issue which we mums feel lots of the time & I wonder if this may be part of the story? I never feel anyone else is taking as good care of my DS as I do...so everyone else who looks after DS including my DP feels slightly problematic compared to me (up to a point, and this is not always an intense feeling, but is always there a bit!) I wonder if you miss the children & would see negatives in any new nanny that was there?

Why did you leave btw? (me being curious here).

K75 · 04/12/2009 22:05

Am surprised she didn't ask - I asked my first nanny when she popped back (career change) as to what she thought of the second.

UnseenAcademicalMum · 04/12/2009 22:06

As a mum, rationally I'd want to know. Being irrational about it, I may feel like it was critisism of me as a mother (not being able to choose a good nanny), IYKWIM.

Overall though, yes I'd want to know.

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/12/2009 22:24

in her defence you went round to see your ex charges, she left you to play with him and she got on with other stuff - i dont see a problem with this

again i have shouted nagged/yelled at my older 2, well normally the middle one to hurry up to eat up breakfast/do teeth/put coat on etc or we will be late for school - all done in front of mb as she is home at moment - she says she has also done the saem as me as some days middle child is sooooooooooooooooooo slow

obv she shouldnt have rough handled him

again maybe mb/db are taking the piss coming home late/asking her to work late etc - maybe they didnt with you, but may be with her

as with the others i am curious why you left?

nannynick · 04/12/2009 23:00

Do you have attachment issues?

"it breaks my heart seeing my little boy treated like that" - He isn't YOUR little boy. He is a child (probably one of many) of whom you have cared for over the years. You seem to me to be too involved, despite leaving the job.

Why did you go round to see them... was that pre-planned, arranged in advance? Doesn't sound like it was if MB/DB where not at home.
Upon finding out that MB/DB were out, why did you then go into the house? Did the nanny invite you in - not sure I would have done to what to me would have been a complete stranger. I would have told you to come back when MB/DB were back.

The youngest child was getting ready to go to school... so why were you there? Shouldn't you have left by that time, if you were just visiting him?

What the parents do when the children are in this nannies care and what they did when you cared for them may be completely different. With you they may have always come home on time, only had you babysit 2 nights a week. That does not mean that is the way it still is now... the parents may feel this new nanny is more flexible in this regard (even if the nanny doesn't seem to agree - up to the nanny to say something really isn't it).

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/12/2009 23:07

Nick - the op spent a week with the new nanny so she wasnt a stranger turning up on doorstep - new nanny would have known who she was - iyswim

seems strange that you had arrranged(i assumed) to go round to see mb/db - yet you say they werent there (prob at work)

you say nanny was shouting they would be late for school, when putting coat on -were you there 8.30am?

GypsyMoth · 04/12/2009 23:17

After school collection of the older DC I would imagine

nannynick · 04/12/2009 23:19

Oh missed that bit about being there for a week with the new nanny previously - it's late, I've been up since 0600 so far too long... can I blame tiredness? Though that only really changes things in terms of the new nanny knowing who the person at the door was... doesn't explain why they let them in!

Original poster

nannyneedsadvice · 04/12/2009 23:30

i wasn't there at 8.30 in the morning. i was there in the afternoon. he isn't at school yet but the older girls are so you have to go and get them. and i knew mb and db weren't going to be there because they work obv, i knew it was just going to be her and the littlest when i go there and we would go and get the girls from school. he wanted her to play a game with him and her and me and she wouldn't and i thought that was really mean of her. yeah its nice that she left us to play but he wanted her there but she was just treating it like i was there to look after him so she could do some other stuff. i don't have attachment issues! and i don't see why me leaving is relevant but if you really want to know it's because i didn't want to do live in any more and they need a live in nanny. i'd been there for 4 years since i qualified and now i'm 22 and i want to have my own place and stuff. i know i might seem really attached to these kids but they were my first nanny family and anyway i always used to say he was my little boy in front of mb and she never minded.

i don't want it to look like i'm being mean to the new nanny because she seemed really nice but then she was shouty and rough in front of me and i didn't feel comfortable. i don't know if it's that i'm not a shouty person and that's just the way she is but i don't know if mb knows that and i don't know what to say. some of you have been really nice so thank you. i will say something if mb asks me.

nite

OP posts:

Blondeshavemorefun · 04/12/2009 23:40

i still think it was nice for new nanny to let you spend time alone with him

when i see my ex dc, IF new after school nanny is there, she leaves me to it- but normally i pick them up from school, after school nanny gets afternoon off and paid and i get my ex dc to myself

might let you blame 6am nick - i was also up then - its a killer isnt it

nannynick · 04/12/2009 23:50

i knew mb and db weren't going to be there

So why go there? When you have been in a job for many years, it is natural to wonder how the children are. You may get invited over to see them, perhaps for dinner... perhaps to babysit one afternoon/evening. May get invited over for a child's birthday celebration.

I feel you need to deal with whatever it is that made you go round there when you knew the MB/DB would not be there. Think about that... why were you there? Was it appropriate for you to be there at that time? You may well be a friend of the family now but that doesn't mean you just turn up when you like.

she was just treating it like i was there to look after him so she could do some other stuff.

Maybe she thought you were there for that purpose... maybe she thought MB/DB had invited you over to help her by looking after him, so that she could get on with other things.

Good that you answered the question regarding why you left - it's a valid question for us to ask and you have given a valid answer.

i don't have attachment issues! i know i might seem really attached to these kids but they were my first nanny family

Yes you do seem really attached to these kids as you put it. Life moves on though, you have moved on... you are now living independently, so let them live their lives independently as well - i.e. without you turning up uninvited... or were you actually invited?

frakkinaroundthechristmastree · 05/12/2009 01:30

Who actually bops up uninvited anywhere these days? Least I do is text someone to check that they're in!

The current nanny, ex-nanny, 1 child is a strange situation to be in. I caught myself disciplining my ex-charge in front of my successor last time I saw them but luckily we get on really well and she didn't seem to mind! We have quite similar views guess it depends how long you've been away from the family. In my case 6 weeks wasn't enough and old habits die hard!

BradfordMum · 05/12/2009 09:42

I think you're all being very harsh on the OP.
I am a childminder and still see one particular child that I used to care for.
Mum was a bit ditsy and decided to stop work on a whim, and L left. When, after a month, mum realised she hated being a sahm and wanted to go back to work, I didn't have a space for L.

She found another CM and I regularly see her with L out and about.

I feel very protective over him and at Toddlers, he's never far from my side while playing. If he takes a tumble, he looks for me, and I have to stop myself from rushing over to comfort him, even thou he's holding his arms out to me while his new cm is holding him.

We DO get involved wiu the children and in my opinion, you need to be attached in order to do a good job.

JMI

Sally

nannynick · 05/12/2009 10:11

BradfordMum - That's different to popping around to his home though, uninvited. Sure we will sometimes bump into past children at groups/events.
Yes we do get attached and we need to have a level of attachment to do our jobs... but it is a job... when that job finishes shouldn't our level of attachment drop? Doesn't mean it falls away completely you may still remain friends... but the relationship is different isn't it?

thenewbornnanny · 05/12/2009 10:50

It's hard not to love the children you care for. And I don't love them any less when I move on, but you are right the relationship is different from that point. I am lucky in that my last job in particular I was in for over 3.5yrs and am now seen as an honorary Aunt style figure. I talk to the kids, send them little gifts, etc and am very much still involved in their lives, exMB calls regularly for advice on the latest issues, and I am going to look after them in the Spring for a few days so their parents can go away. They don't have another nanny, but if they did I would probably be a little jealous

Poohbearsmom · 05/12/2009 10:52

I can understand why you are worried you love these children dont you? They are not old work collegues or something, you lived with them for 4 years they are like your family im sure & thats tot understandable but try not to worry as the older dcs seem to really like her & there are plenty of shouty parents too not just nannies... Chat to the mum if she asks but it might upset her so be kind & broch the subject gently...

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