new mindee, I have a few moans

[clankypanky]

My new mindee started last week. I have her every day for 6 hours. Shes a lovely little girl, very happy and affectionate, a little behind verbally but a bright spark neverthless. The first time I ever held her I noticed a strong smell of wee. She is nearly 2 and still in nappies. My son is the same age and still in nappies also so I cant understand why she smells of wee, its very strong. I think the Mum has a few hygiene issues tbh with you. I noticed the first day i looked after her that her clothes were dirty and when I took her shoes off her tights were sticky and filthy on the bottom. 3 days later she was wearing the same tights and they still hadnt been washed.
The thing is, I dont think she is a neglected child, I just think the Mum has different standards to me...Im in no way a clean freak but I dont think Id send my lo to a childminders in dirty clothes. Also, she knows that she is to provide nappies wipes etc,but she only ever sends 1...2 at most. Today, she didnt send any! The other thing is that the lunch she sends is a bit rubbish....today was a big stodgy white bun and a pack of mini cheddars. So far this has been a pretty standard lunch. I feel really bad because we will be eating our nice lunch and she wants some of ours so I keep giving her some because otherwise I feel mean.
How would you approach the Mum about these things without upsetting her? She also had a mishaped toe which looks to me like it is because of wearing shoes too small for her. One of her toenails had all but disappeared and the half that was left was poking out about half a cm too long. I told the Mum about it last week but this week I cut it myself because she ahdnt done it and it looked painful.
Last moan...I asked to be paid in advance but still have had nothing, usually I would get a deposit etc but it was all such a last minute thing but it didnt happen. Gulp, I have a worried kind of feeling about this already.

This child DOES sound a littlebit neglected, to be honest. Dirty clothes, crap lunch (if you can afford mini chedders you can afford a banana), and health issues left to become worse (the toe).

can you have a stronger word with the mum?
Don't think of yourself as her friend, think of it as your professional capacity. She hasn't paid you yet, so she is coasting on your goodwill. Tell her that "standard practice" is a sandwich and piece of fruit for lunch, "Standard practice" is clean clothes every day, "standard practice" is two nappy changes in 6 hours so at least 2 nappies need to be provided and that you expect that issues raised are to be dealt with at the earliest opportunity.

She sounds like she needs to have things spelled out to her very clearly.

It does sound worrying I work in a children's centre as a SN inclusion worker and have had some quite painful moments with children who are not properly looked after - sores from ill-fitting nappies, shoes damaging feet, huge trousers knotted with string at the waist, that sort of thing

Luckily for me we have an infrastructure and I know who to go to and what to say to the parents etc - not that it always makes any difference

I'm not a childminder wo I don't kow exactly what you should do. I would probably ask for a chat with the mother and put your concerns to her - as kindly as possible but without diluting the fact that they are real concerns

Just wanted to reassure you that they ARE real concerns and you are right to follow them up - am sure you will get better advice from other CMs though

I agree that your concerns are valid, wee only smells if its left to go stale, perhaps due to the infrequent nappy changes wee has gone through to her tights and if she's been wearing the same pair for 3 days they will be pongy by now, the toe thing would also concern me as would the crap food that this lo comes with. Me being a soft shite would accidently spill something on her clothes, wash / dry / iron and stick them back on apologising profusely to mum whilst mentioning that I'd used a nice smelly fabric softner so she smells of flowers or some other rot. This might spur mum on a bit laundry wise. I would also work it so that I provided lunch, at least then you would know that the poor thing has at least one decent balanced meal a day, or a very healthy substantial snack. Its a tricky one and I really sympathise with you, has this mindee been cared for by any one else, perhaps you could get in touch to request paperwork etc and gently raise the issue of the toe and see if they offer any info. Failing that I would sit down with mum and bite the bullet she may be struggling and appreciate your advice/help.

Thank you for your replies. I have done the 'I accidentally spilt something' trick atworknot working! Unfortunately she came back smelling again the next day!I agree that it is her tights that are smelling and think it can only be of the unchanged nappies. I mean, she gave me no nappies today...was I supposed to not change her?
She ahsnt been cared for by anyone else. I wondered whether to say to her that it might be better for her to eat here with us so that she doesnt feel left out of mine and my lo lunch. i have given her lots of fruit, wholemeal toast as well today.
Colditz...how could I say these things to her...you make it sound so straight forward but Id feel really horrible saying anything to the Mum! I need to toughen up I think!

Please don't feel that you are being horrible - you are looking after the little girl so you have to have rules and ways of doing things and the parents have to fit in with them, particularly when it's something as basic as clean clothes and nappies. My DD has been in nursery since she was very young and although they try to be flexible I still have to fit in with their ways of doing things. For example I had to sign a disclaimer when I supplied home made baby food and there were rules about which foods I could include. I was happy to go along with that because the care is good. Incidentally lots of nurseries ask parents to supply a change of clothes each day just in case of any accidents - perhaps that would be a good thing to ask for so that you can change her completely if she smells funny?

Did you also say you have not been paid? I would be very careful. You could end up working indefinitely for free. I provide everything for my mindees (at a slightly inflated rate), so that I do not have to worry about their nappies, food, etc. I do however find myself mentioning to parents that their shoes really DO NOT fit, or they might be ready for the next size clothes, that their zips do not work on their coats, etc. None as bad as yours sounds though.

I would just say it to the mum personally in a nice way; maybe mention it one thing at a time. Would you rather the mum thought you were a busy body or would you rather the child had a sore bum/toe etc.

On the nappy front could you ask her to store a load at yours? The fod say the other children are asking for mini cheddars and your healthy eating policy does not allow them on a regular basis so could she please substitute for fruit / if she finds it easier you could provide meals and then that'd stop the children bickering.

On the smelly clothes front I think you will just have to tell her I'm afraid. Just say you keep the children very busy and they get sweaty and sticky so clean clothes is standard practice.

You should ask the mother to provide a whole package of nappies for a start, then at least you can sort the nappy changing out. Keep a few back from the packet, when telling her you've run out, so you are always one step ahead of her.

All of my parents were fine at remembering to restock the bag every couple of days, but I used to take one out of every bag, every night, just in case someone forgot at any point.

I would maybe mention that the mindee seems to really want to eat fruit/yoghurt whatever, like the other children and you don't always have enough to go round, so can she provide something like that.

I think, tbh, if you don't feel you can talk to the mother, you ought to speak to your co-ordinator for advice. Quite apart from the welfare of the child, there's the issue of payment too. I don't need to tell you it was a bit daft to take someone on, without securing a deposit before hand, but I think most CM's have been bitten like that at least once.

occurs to me that if you had a visit from ?ofsted? or another parent wanting to place a child with you then YOU would be blamed for smell, unchanged nappy, poor diet etc.

Feel desperately sorry for little girl, and know it won't be easy to talk to Mum, but I don't think you can sort this out without telling her what your standards are.

Very good point Boshe.

You really should think about the damage it could do to your business, if it makes it easier to have a word with Mum.

Apologies! BOSCH!!

Accepted! I answer to most things actually!

I agree I was inspected and the parent at the time requested a takeaway meal for their child lunch -3 year old, it was put in my report which didn't relect well on my practice I now provide all meals for the children

Do her clothes smell of wee or just her nappy? Does the nappy look very full when it smells of wee? Actually DS has only ever had a nappy change every 6 hours unless he has had a poo. For 6 hours I would probably send 3 or 4 nappies though cos he is known to sometimes have marathon poo sessions one after the other!!

Could you tell her due to the fact Ofsted like you to follow a healthy eating plan that things like crisps, chocolate, sweets, cakes, fizzy drinks etc aren't allowed?

With the too small shoes thing and the toenail as well I would maybe contact your local HV for advice. Don't necessarily mention the child in question just ask what would be the best thing to do if you knew of a situation like this.

Thank you to all, it got worse today when she sent no nappies, dinner or spare clothes so we have come to an agreement that she is going to send a box of things for me to keep here and I will feed her her dinner. Mum is struggling I think, she hasnt worked for a while so I'll try and help her as much as possible. Its her clothes that smell nappyaddict , but I have noticed that when i change her she also hasn't had all the poo off properly. To be honest, the smell thing is improving now..it makes it easier that shes here every day and will be getting used to our ways and regular feeding times etc (one day when she came round for an introductory session it was 2.30 and she hadnt had any lunch!) One lady at playgroup complimented me today that the little girl seemed a lot calmer already than the previous week. Thanbk you all for giving me the confidence to say something...hopefully she will do what she said and provide me with a bulk of stuff. I'll let you all know!

Sounds like you are just the person she needs to help her then. Well done.

I would start writing up what you have noticed and described here. I would also write up whenever you have spoken to mum about things and that nothing has been done.
I would also make it clear to mum that you are now documenting these things.

There are different standards and then there are standards that are bordering on neglect and tbh what you are describing is a little worrying.

Perhaps you could take the bull by the horns and ask mum for a formal discussion re payment - remind her of the contract she has signed and when payment is due. Give her a copy of your fees policy or send out a blanket newsletter (though I suspect in this case it may not work) to all your parents thanking them for their prompt and thoughtful methods of payment.

Other methods you could try re the lunches:
do a healthy eating theme in the setting - whereby you can send home leaflets and recipes and ideas for lunchboxes with each child.
again accompany it with your healthy eating policy (or howsoever you have it worded).
or you could say that child seems to be enjoying the meals that you provide as you allow her to try bits and bobs or durin the healthy eating theme keep a record of what she has eaten and make a point of saying oh she enjoyed this/that.

As to the lack of nappies - tell her that you know she is busy and probably forgets - so would she like to you to buy a packet of nappies to keep at the setting and you will add it to the weekly invoice.

After the healthy eating theme you could introduce a Healthy Me (hygiene) theme - this time of year would be great to do this as we are all conscious of keeping colds at bay - so you can just extend this. Again leaflets etc.

By doing it as a theme through the setting you are not singling anyone out.

Perhaps you can mention tha you have difficulty in getting childs shoes on and that they appear to be too tight - said in helpful manner - would you like me to get her feet measured as we are in town today/tomorrow etc.
Again you could do an all about me - look how much I have grown (a longtitudinal study with the kids) and measure and chart height, size of head, feet etc - again you are not singling out a child.

All methods round the issues and offering indirect help but it sounds like you may hae to tackle the toe and wee smell issues more directly - it could be that mum needs some extra support.

good luck

Is it that she is not sending nappies, dinner, clothes etc on purpose cos she can't be bothered or do you think she just genuinely forgets?

DS doesn't have lunch til 4 sometimes

good idea about the themes pippin (although it does mean even more work and I dont know if I have time!)

Today I received massive bag of nappies, wipes and spare clothes. She even smells nice today!! Yippee!

Why no lunch before 4, he must be eating something else?!

No he goes to nursery at 12:30 and won't eat lunch before he goes and we get back at about 4.

christ, also just found an infestation of head louse on the little dot too....i feel itchy now!!!!

Have you been paid yet?

You know you're going to be the one who sorts out the headlice don't you

Nope not been paid yet, (i know i know)
gave her the once over with the nit comb...shes not got that much hair so it didnt take too long but...yuk yuk yuk i hate them!