Trouble with the CM

[dixia]

Hi,

I am having trouble with my child minder.

I need your opinions about whether it is me or her that is being unreasonable and how to move forward from here.

My DS is 2yrs 9 months. He is ready for potty training. I think he has been ready for a while to come out of nappies and showing lots of good signs. I have an older son, who is now 7 and we trained him with no trouble. We have been asking him every week if he would like to buy a potty and start wearing pants - last week he said yes. So we went out and bought pants and potties and he is very excited about starting.

He goes to a pre-school every day from 9-12 and then to a CM afterwards 3 days a week from 12 til 4.30.

On Monday I took DS to pre-school in nappies and said to the lady that the following day he would be coming in pants. She said that that was fine, just bring lots of pairs of pants, trousers, socks etc and that they would take him to the potty every 20 minutes or so. Great - good reaction. But the CM has really shocked me. She says that she isn't happy about him being out of nappies. She asked that we postpone the starting of training until tomorrow (friday) when he doesn't go to her house and will have just pre-school and then Friday pm to Monday am at home. I felt that this was fair enough really, so agreed.

Now she says that I must provide my own equipment for him - potty, car seat covers, etc. Is this normal? I haven't had to provide any other equipment (she has pushchairs and carseats).

She also says that if he has two accidents in one day she will put him in a nappy. But that doesn't really work for me. i think he might have lots of accidents in the first few days.

She wants him to bring training pants, but I really think that there is no difference between these and nappies and I don't want to use them at home. I want to go straight into pants.

She says that she wants to sit down and have a meeting about his routine with me before he starts in pants, but I have told her that there is no routine. What will happen is that I put him in pants, take him to the potty regularly, he sometimes gets it right and sometimes has an accident, we change him and start again.

I need some advice about how to handle this situation. I am confused about whether I am being unreasonable or whether she is.

Thanks

Hoorah for your Ds well done that lad! I am with you on how you feel about CM.

I'm sorry you feel victimised that people disagree with you but seeing as the majority are saying the same thing, could it possibly be that yabu?

To jump from what you said yesterday to saying she will verbally punish/abuse your child is very sensationalistic

It sounds as if you don't rate your CM much at all and even distrust her so I think maybe you would be better off in this instance to find alternative childcare.

oh and WTG DS!

I don't post much any more, but still read through many of the threads here. If I was going to post, I would have said that I supply any equipment I need for my business (including potty, protective covers for seats etc). As an experienced minder, I work with parents and agree how to do the potty training.

Dixia - I agreed with some of the things you said, and I also agree with some of the things that CMs have said.

However, I am really cross that you have so little regard for your childminder's house!!
I take issue with the comment "I really couldn't care less about her carpets and furniture!" I would be appalled if the parents I mind for felt that way about my home.

Prisoner, I understand what you mean, completely, and I suspect she didn't mean it this way (am I right) but was a little huffy because I think she felt like the CM was saying (almost) that she couldn't care less about her son and his training as she has furniture etc to think of. of course, it is so difficult when everything is in type and no tone as it were!!

I agree with TP 100%!!!

"I really couldn't care less about her carpets and furniture!" I would be appalled if the parents I mind for felt that way about my home"

I was shocked by that attitude too. There are a lot of posts on this forum from mothers who apparently regard their childminders, nannies and au pairs with a variety of negative attitudes - but I think this stands out even amongst these.

This is not only the lady's family home, but the environment where you choose to have your child spend his time. I imagine if you thought she was trying to potty train her child prematurely you would be quick to complain about the impact on your child, both the hygeine aspect and the amount of her time and attention it would require. Would you expect your friends and relatives to put up with your child making messes all over their place or would you have some consideration for their homes and keep him in nappies or training pants until he is at least generally reliable in that respect? I don't think you can reasonably expect your childminder's family to put up with wet furniture and carpets - don't forget that they can take hours or days to dry - and as you rightly say you are only paying for a few hours of her time a week.

As for what a nanny would do, I think that is a rather different situation. If you chose to instruct your nanny to let your own children mess up your own home, then I think that's up to you. Nobody else's children are affected and nobody else's home gets trashed.

As for "I can't take time off and still pay her" you can use some of your holiday to get your chid's potty training off to a good start. That's what most parents do. That's what I did and I am a childminder.

Maxybrown was right, I meant, that in comparison to how I feel about my son, I really couldn't care less about her furniture.

Minderjinx - I run my own company, it is very busy and I do not get holiday! It is different from being employed and I don't have the luxury of being able to take a couple of weeks off just to potty train. He doesn't need me to take 2 weeks off work to do this! He is doing really well even after one day.

Honestly, it is not as if I am doing this before he is ready! With my DS1 he was completely dry day and night within 1 week of coming out of nappies. I know he is a bit of a flukey case, but I really believe in waiting until they are totally ready as it is much less messy. I have done this to make it easier for me, DS and the CM.

FWIW I don't get paid for holidays either.

But surely you must take some time off in the course of a year? I was only saying that I think taking time off to get their child started on their potty training is a good use of parent's time/leave. "Just to potty train" seems to me to be undervaluing the importance of this vital step in a child's development. If the child is really ready and "gets it" really quickly, there should be plenty of time in the days/week/fortnight for other quality time activities!

I don't know where the two weeks off work came from though - not my suggestion. It takes as long as it takes and sometimes if it doesn't work out first time it has to be put on hold and tried again later. Hope you are lucky again.

I will probably take a week of at Christmas, and that is pretty much it. But the point is that it is not necessary for me to do that for potty training. He is going to get it anyway. Regardless of the fact that I work hard, I also play hard and spend a lot of good time with my children. There are many important stages in a childs development but the idea that this particular stage should be one that needs mothers to be at home 24/7 for, I think is silly. Managed at the right time and in a calm way, it shouldn't require so much special time. I don't think I am being neglectful for saying this. I just think that the more you big it up the more of an issue it will become.

dixia Fri 20-Nov-09 17:12:01
Thanks for the support, Maxybrown. I do feel slightly victimised by some of the comments here. Danthe4th - I really couldn't care less about her carpets and furniture! If she is so precious about them, then maybe she should find another job to do. She has chosen to be a child minder, chosen to invite children into her house and chosen to LOOK AFTER THEM. I think that what she is suggesting will be a detriment to his development and could well result in him going backwards. "Naughty boy, you have had another accident, I'm going to put a nappy on you like a baby". As I am not there, how can I know what she is saying to him? All I can judge her on is what she says to me and I am uncomfortable about what she has said.

so you would be happy to send your child to a childminders house that had pee stains all over the floor and smelled I THINK NOT. what if you had a baby and your baby got ignored as the childminder was constantly taking child to toilet and cleaning pee of the floor would you still be happy I THINK NOT. I im so shocked at the cheek about you saying you dont care about her carpet it is her house she chooses to let you and your childminder into. its not like a nursery who would really accept any1 childminders have to like and trust whoever they let into there house and they need to keep on with them.

water,but i do have cm friends who think its the parents job!!!so we are all different
Add message | Report | Contact poster By pinkdelight Fri 20-Nov-09 10:43:26
Wow, I'm really surprised by some of the replies here. If a mindee is full-time then how can it be "mum's job" so bluntly? Do mums have to take time off work to do it? My ds is full-time at a CM who has been a star working with us to potty train him. It has taken much longer than two weeks, so perhaps you'd say he wasn't ready, but we both believed he was and she's been brilliantly persistent and patient. I've never got the impression that it wasn't her job - I'd have thought it most definitely was. Not solely, but for the times when he is in her care, of course. Don't know what I'd have done if she'd refused - I can't take time off and still pay her, and though we did start during her annual hol, he was still having plenty of 'accidents' by the time he went back to her, and still does have a few. Anyhow, not criticising, it's your rules of course. I just didn't realise my CM wasn't typical. If it was a nanny, would your response be different?

childminders can help with toilet training but ovbiously its the parents child so i cant imagine why parents wouldnt want to start it ano you get lazy parents that wants the childminder to do all the wrk so they dont have to then the child ends up in nappies at the weekend i had a parent like that child would come back on monday with a nappy i would take it off he would be fine all day and the rest of the week and then come bk monday with a nanpy its just lazyness with some parents.
alot of parents do it during a holiday. thats what i did when i knew i had no school runs to do, no toddler groups to go to and could actually spend the day in the house

nannys are different they are in childs own house looking after only that child and maybe brothers/sister so is doing exactly what the mother would be doing.

Honestly,* it is not as if I am doing this before he is ready! With my DS1 he was completely dry day and night within 1 week of coming out of nappies. I know he is a bit of a flukey case, but I really believe in waiting until they are totally ready as it is much less messy. I have done this to make it easier for me, DS and the CM.

Not being funny, but if you are so defensive towards others and confident about what you are doing then you probably have your answer and dont need to keep defending yourself. There is a rather massive fear of this becoming more of an issue than it is because you have talked it to death on mumsnet, I think you need to speak to her again, be firm in your convictions but also try and let her explain herself and her reasons. You may have caught her on the hop and she may just have been worried. especially if she ahs a young one herself she may be daunted by the prospect of dealing with potty training and looking afer her young one at the same time. No doubt once she gets into it she'll be fine and the nyou'll wonder what you made all the fuss about...