Any Sahm with Au Pairs?

[ashbrook]

Hi,

I am a SAHM with two dd's - 3.5 and 1.10. My DH works long hours ( at times ridiculous hours eg last 3 weekends) and we have no family support to help out with babysitting.

Generally I find things ok and we are lucky enough to afford a babysitter for a few hours on Sat night every couple of weeks but I can go for weeks with no time out. That said I hit a wall this weekend and DH and I ended up rowing for the last few days- he has started a new job after being made redundant and feels under major pressure to perform very well for a particular project. I feel he does not really understand how difficult I find things at home- its a bit lonely and boring - age old story really.

On top of all of this we are thinking of trying for no 3 next year- I seriously do not think I would cope with out some additional support.

So - are there any SAHM mums out there who would mind sharing their situation with me. Or am I just being precious ?

Thanks

A

I am SAHM and have had several AP's - am now pregnant with twins - between AP's but new AP+ (more hours) is due to start 7th Jan...

My reasons are because I have a disability which includes pain and fatigue - I simply can't do all the lifting and housework involved in being a SAHM but want to be the primary carer for my children.

It has it's pros and cons - you get time to yourself. You can delegate the housework jobs. There's an extra pair of hands. Ideal in many ways because AP's shouldn't have sole charge of under 2's - but you can have some time to yourself with them in the house. And the massive pro of babysitting.

You have to be very clear from the outset that you will be around all the time though - as many would expect sole charge. Also you HAVE to get the personality right as you will be spending so much time with them (not escaping to go to work), and if it's wrong it can be awful. But mostly I think it's fantastic.

I have to dash now to collect DS from preschool, but am happy to answer any further Q's you have.

Hi Weegle,

Thanks for your reply. I think you are right about the sole charge issue- I made some tentative enquiries re au pairs and the girls that I liked ie had experience all had sole charge experience and my gut feeling is that we would all get under each others feet.

Would you mind sharing the selection criteria that you would use ? The big thing that I cannot get my head around is the whole " am I being high maintenance" but to be honest its like groundhog day with my dh the whole work thing. and I have realised this will not change.

A x

You are not being high-maintenance.

I have lots of SAHM friends whose DH's work very long hours/travel extensively and they all have some kind of home help - they would go bonkers if they didn't! What is very obvious, though, is that they all have different requirements. Some want all their housework done so that they are free for childcare, and only use the occasional babysitter; others do their own housework and have au pairs to take the children to school/to the park.

What do you want/need?

I was an au-pair for SAHM and it all worked out well. I did have sole charge most of the time though as she was mostly out and about, going to gym, visiting friends etc. - sometimes taking the kids with her in which case I would help out with some light housework, ironing etc.
I was also a live-out nanny for SAHM for about 15 hours a week - also sole charge so she could go to gym, run errands etc. and generally have some time for herself while I took the little one out to park, played with her, fed her lunch and put her to bed.
I think it can work out very well and it is understandable that you need some time for yourself or just to relax. (even though my first SAHM was a bit extreme with 35+ hours per week of my work and than DB taking over ) I would recommend to give AP at least some sole charge to be able to bond with the kids properly, if you trust her of course. And get her to help with some housework too. No need to feel guilty, the children will benefit from happy relaxed mummy too ;)

oh dont feel bad for wanting help! i have had one of my ex pupils (shes 19!) helping me as a mothers help for three afternoons a week for the past 4 months and it has been wonderful! She is now going travelling though. You need time for yourself - even if it is just going to a cafe for a coffee and cake. ]

My DH works long hours, has a long commute and therefore does nothing at home apart from fall into bed. We live hours and hours away from family and I need to have adults to talk to and a bit of time to do something just for me.

I have thought about having an au pair, but dont really want anyone living in our house. Why dont you advertise for a mothers help - look on gumtree.com. Maybe just a couple of mornings/afternoons would give you the space you need.

Hi

Thanks for that ;-))

You see I have two sisters who each have four kids and no help ( aside from a cleaner) and they all manage. I think their husbands are a bit more on the ball however.

My idea of how the au pair would work would be to allow me to spend some one on one time with my eldest dd, give a hand with the housework - we have a cleaner- its still never ending, some babysitting, help on holidays, I would like some time to do something for myself, but it's not the main factor iykwim.

The plan is to start trying for no 3 early next year and the idea of the au pair is really driven by the thought of being heavily pregnant/ early days of bf and trying to keep the two girls happy & occupied.

a x

Don't get too waylaid by how your sisters manage their domestic duties. It's so hard to know how other families work.

I have a great deal of sympathy for SAHMs with DHs who expend all their energies on work and are barely able to contribute in kind to their family lives. It is very hard and lonely doing it all on your own. Look for a nice, friendly au pair whose company you and your children will both enjoy. Preferably one who really wants to learn English!

I agree you're not high maintenance in needing some help! Also agree with evuscha that you do need to be prepared to stand back on some things particularly for the bonding - with the older one this can mean trips to the park, the pool, soft play etc. For the little one it can be in the lounge whilst you have a bath or whatever...

As for criteria - I actually tend to go for those who have a natural affinity with children and seem responsible and a good fit for the family rather than SET criteria. In experience - you don't want one who has lots of sole charge experience - they won't be happy and you will feel like you are manufacturing opportunities for them to have time with the kids alone and you can end up feeling the 'extra'. I tend to go for ones who have several younger siblings - so they are under no illusions what the rality of every day life with young children is about.

I also make it very clear from the recruitment stage what I am looking for. For me it is literally an extra pair of hands. As DS has got older this has included some sole charge (having him whilst I go to hospital appts for example, or taking him to his swimming class). When he was younger (and when the babies are born it will become again) - helping largely with housework which I can't do (hoovering, bending over the bath etc) and lifting baby, car seats, pushchairs etc. The new one will be doing a lot of mundane baby stuff e.g. preparing feeds, cleaning bottles, changing nappies, feeding etc etc... literally an extra pair of hands. In practice ours do about 20% housework and 80% childcare. But only about 2-5 hours of the childcare per week has been sole charge even since DS was 2. The new one will have even less. If you are clear about this from the start you may well get someone who really wants to gain experience but is a little unsure of themselves - to be honest that's no bad thing - they can be moulded to the role and the family. As you get to know them better and if they are a good fit then the role will adapt as you need it to.

The babysitting is also a big thing for us - we have no local family, so having a babysitter 'on tap' makes things so much easier. e.g. I can't walk without crutches/wheelchair at the moment so we used a couple of our weekly babysitting sessions from AP to go late night shopping just me and DH - so it wasn't a late night for the AP (in fact I think she still went out afterwards!) but just the flexibility to be able to do that is brilliant.

What might work best is if you write down what you would ideally like. Everything e.g. you hate ironing - put that on the list. You get stressed at dinner/bath time etc - put that on the list. From that you can work out a list os realistic expectations and what you want from the 25 hours per week and how you would timetable them. Then be upfront about that right from the recruitment stage. And take it from there.

Hi,

Weegle- you are dead right about being clear on your requirements up front - on our family profile page that is exactly what I said was required-an extra pair of hands- not a cleaner or full time sole charge.

You mentioned about personality- how can you tell from emails and perhaps a few telephone conversations ? My DH is Australian and we used to have a full time sole charge Kiwi nanny for our eldest when I went back to work so I have some idea of what it would be like to have someone employed to help with the girls. I was thinking of looking for an Aussie or Kiwi girl so the cultural differences would not be such an issue but then was not sure how they would fill their off duty time if not at language classes. We are not in the Uk so there is not the same capacity to make friends.

The more I think about it the more sense it makes ;-)

a x

Hi ashbrook I don't think you're being precious at all. I used to have a live in lady when I lived in Cyprus. She was fabulous and such a great help - I miss her enormously now that we are back in the UK.

We are about to move home where I will have support from family and friends as I am in a similar position to you - DH works long hours, no family or friends locally (no. 3 is already here for us).

If it suits you go for it!

I am a SAHM with a 2yo and a 7month old. We have a Swedish AP who is just fab. I know that APs shouldn't nec be relied upon for sole charge etc, but our AP is so fab I hve no worries at all leaving her with DS2 for short periods of time or in the evenings when they are in bed. There re plenty of mums her age FGS!
My family are all 12000 miles away and we really don't know anyone around here, so it has been such a relief to simply be able to pop down to the shops for bread without loading both children into the car, or get my hair done or just go for a jog if I want to.
I don't think asking for this kind of help is precious, but if you can't handle people saying that about you then think again - because they will. Even as they leave their children with thier GPs for the third time that week they will bitch about how spoilt you are. Water off a ducks back as far as I'm concerned, but think about whether that will bother you.
There will be times when you get a bit fed up with hving an extra in the house, but the pay off is WELL worth it!

I don't think that you are being precious at all. Most of my SAHM friends have aupairs and they're a godsend if that's the help you need. Infact I've just been out for lunch with a friend who is on maternity leave and she left the baby with her AP for an hour whilst we had a good catch up.

You need to be clear about what you're looking for and lay it out from the start but it sounds like an excellent idea. We've just stopped having aupairs and the biggest thing that I miss is the babysitting and being able to pop out. My DH also works extremely long hours and it was a pleasure being able to go out with my friends before he got back from work.

Hi,
I thought I'd give you the other angle!
I'm at SAHM with a 2.5 DS and really felt I needed the extra pair of hands around the place as I recently set-up a business working from home and I was finding it impossible to juggle it all, but couldn't justify the expense of nanny or nursery and have grandparents on both sides who much as they live fairly locally have yet to babysit since DS was born
I can't stipulate the importance of being super super clear about your expectations from the start. We hired a girl a few months back who had tons of experience, was very nice (on the phone) and she lasted 2 weeks with us as the chemistry was not right and she turned out to be hopeless. I would have kept her on and really "trained" her but I knew fundementally that it wasn't going to work.
So took the plunge again and this one has been with us for 2 months, but much as we all get on and it's all smiles and laughter around the dinner table, I'm going to have to let her go, as I'm finding it really hard work. It only recently dawned on me, but essentailly I've been home alone with DS for 2 years, and I'm finding it really hard to adjust to having someone else in the house all the time ....don't get me wrong the babysitting is fantastic, and it's great to have a couple of hours to get my head down and get on with stuff, but I have to say I find it quite hard work. My DH travels a lot, and works long hours, and I find it too difficult to spend quality time with him in the knowledge that there's someone else in the house, or that she might come home at any time......
I'm thinking of replacing the AP for a part time nanny (maybe 1 day per week) as to be honest i think it'll be less stressful for me, and not really cost much more (except for the babysitting)

I had an ap for 8m because DH either worked long hours, or worked away for months at a time. In some respects it was great, we got along OK, I enjoyed some company in the evenings & it was nice to have a babysitter on tap (I didn't abuse this.. usually it was one night a fortnight or month) if I wanted to go out for a flippant reason (e.g. to have a few glasses of wine with a friend) for which I couldn't justify a babysitter).

However, she didn't gel with DS1, which actually affected me more than I let myself express. Also, as I was a SAHM she didn't really do the full quota of hours, but didn't do the chores she had well which always made me a bit cross.

When she left I was pleased to have our house back to ourselves again and to not always have to consider somebody elses feelings in all the decisions I took. I wouldn't do it again, I would try harder with finding a preschool/nursery sessions.

I do agree with fourarms and booreeve. The reason our lovely aupair left was because despite her being delightful I really resented having another person in the house and really needed it back to just us despite her being in her room most of the time.

As I said above, I miss the babysitting massively, she actually worked about 20 hours a week and babysat more than most aupairs which suited us both very well, she rarely went out at night but she wanted to study a lot in the day.

I am preg with #3 now and I'm going to keep my cleaner 2x a week and also ask her to come in 3 x afternoons a week from 4.30 - 7 to be an extra pair of hands during the witching hours. It works out a bit more than an aupair in terms of money but I think that it will be better as we won't have anyone living in.

As a nanny who has mostly worked for SAHM's I don't think you're being high maintenence or precious. I have done the spectrum of SAHM's from the absolutely delightful to the absolute nightmares. I've always been a live in. From a childcarers point of view whoever you are hiring is being paid to do a job and they should do it to your specifications. I think working for a SAHM is the most difficult of jobs because there is somebody else there all the time (or not) which can be nervewracking because you will judge the girls every move and little things are quick to grate and become huge issues even though they;re not as there is a lack of perspective on both sides when you work so closely together.
How you want to raise your family and who you employ to help you is your business. Everybody may have an opinion but it is what you think is best for you that counts.
I've worked a position where I'm been there for the late stage of pregnancy and newborn + for a third child. From experience working this role I suggest you recruit somebody who is capable of sole charge because even though you think now you won't need that you might and it's helpful if you have somebody you can rely on who doesn't feel like another child.
Good luck with what you decide

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. I have a friend whose husband works ridiculously long hours. She only has one child of 7, but she has a cleaner and a babysitter that does a morning or two for her (he is home schooled). She has no family nearby so really needs the help.

I have 3 children ranging in age from 1-8 (also homeschooled). Until recently, I had no home help - no cleaner, babysitter, nanny etc. The big difference was that my dh left for work after giving the kids breakfast and came home in time to eat with us, bathe the kids and help get them into bed. I also have a mother living very nearby who babysat. So despite having more children than my friend and no hired help, I probably had a lot more help than she did.

We all need help in some form.

Thanks again everyone. Best case scenario is a win win for everyone- DH, Kds and Me ! Worst case can always be remedied I think .

Am now off to chase up info on recruiting an au-pair !