quick view please

[littlemissunderstood]

We have a live in nanny. She has her own 2 bedroom annexe with a sep entrance but its attached to the house and shares the same driveway.

Been with us for 5 weeks and the children 11 and 6 are very happy with her.

Home is 40 miles away in Manchester. She knew it was a live in job 7 to 7 Monday to Friday when she took it.

First week when she was settling in she asked if her boyfriend could come up to stay for the night. Naturally we said yes. Since then he stays everynight.

Am I being unreasonable to be pissed off to come home at 8pm to find his car on my drive ?

DH says I am being silly but I think Its taking the p***

I even came home one evening to find him sitting on DD bedroom floor at 9pm reading her a story as nanny was babysitting. He is 49 by the way.

Mumsnet jury of seasoned nanny employers WWYD ?

Thanks Guys. All very interesting.

The bottom line is she has taken a livein job Monday to Friday and then expected her boyfriend to be able to live in Monday to Friday too.

They share a house at home.

The thing is its just near enough for him to do that.

He has said that he wanted her home most nights in the week but we put a stop to that as he wanted her to do the commute in our car as it was too expensive to do it in his !

The problem. If I ban him she will leave as he will put pressure on. So I am kind of stuck with it.

Nothing is ever ideal.

i was sort of ambivalent to the staying over thing, but he just wants to have his cake and eat it!

he wanted her to come home in the week?!
he wanted to use your car?!

the more that comes out, the worse it sounds.

"If I ban him she will leave as he will put pressure on. So I am kind of stuck with it."

No you're not. Let her go, and find a new nanny.

Also agree with posters about dh not being horrified to find said boyfriend in dds room.

Sorry if not what you want to hear but you sound as though you're just going to let this random man dictate to you, and that's not on. Talk to your nanny first, but to be honest it sounds as though he's the one in charge!

DH was horrified and that bit has been dealt with. I think I really mentioned it by way of backround.

I have talked to her once and she told me that he didnt want her to take the job at all.

Children adore her. Very difficult.

DD who is 6 in particular.

Contemplating another baby too so all very tricky at the moment. I am about to change roles at work and will be travelling alot. I work in hR and we have companies all over the world. IM keen for stability for the children.

The reality is she is a good nanny and is it such a problem that he is sleeping in our annexe evry night ? DH says it does not impact on us and I am being petty but I cant help getting annoyed by it and thinking it is taking a liberty.

I also employ a Nanny, and find it (personally) quite difficult to give constructive feedback or ask for things to stop happening because I worry it will affect our relationship / her relationship with the DCs, especially as you are living in the same house during the week. It is very important that the DC like her.

The trouble is, if you let this go for the sake of stability, something else will end up bugging you and you may find it difficult to give feedback about this too, which may end up in a difficult working relationship with her. You are assuming that she will leave if you ask the BF not to say, but you don't know this for sure.

My own experience tells me that actually talking about and resolving the situation with the Nanny will go one way or the other - either she will leave (which will be best because she doesn't respect your point of view if this happens) or you build a stronger relationship because she knows what is expected of her.

HTH

Your house: your rules. The annex is her 'house' during the week, and I don't think it is fair to limit what she does there as long as it doesn't affect your family - it is basically a separate dwelling. But YOUR house is like a school - ONLY those you have cleared are allowed in. He should never cross your doorstep unless specifically invited BY YOU.

As to the BF living in the annex, well if it's an occasional thing then it would be different, but if it's every night then you need to put your foot down. You pay the heating, water, electricity etc. So either you get the annex put on its own meters, or else the BF has to pay towards the bills. USwitch.com has a calculator where you can work out the cost of a shower, flushing the loo etc.

I am a live-in and I get embarrassed and feel like I'm taking the mickey asking for my boyfriend to be able to stay once a monthf or a night or two, let alone every night! She's taking the mick.

why do you need a live in nanny - couldnt she do 7-7 and be live out and then live at her home with her bf?

maybe she misunderstood you about bf staying?

the BIG no to me would be the fact you came home to find her bf with your dc in their bedroom - you were paying the nanny to bs - not the bf - if the nanny had asked then would be different

tbh she has only been there 5weeks and although your dc love her, she can be replaced as sounds there are a few niggles you are not happy with (bf staying,mileage, bf at bs)

Listen, there are other nannies. She isn't the only one who is any good.

The fact she allowed her boyfriend to be reading stories to your dd without you clearing it first - had you met him? - would have been a written warning in my book.

I would tell her he is only allowed to stay x amounts of nights per week - if you are happy with that - or she can leave.

I can't see her staying long term as it is tbh so I would rethink this very hard.

He's encouraging her to take liberties and he isn't going to go, is he?

So you need to chat very seriously with her and say what you are and aren't happy with, put it in writing, give her a fixed time to pull her socks up and warn her that for that time she's on X amount of notice. If she breaks the rules then boot her out because she clearly isn't respecting you, your house or your wishes.

As FBG says there are other nannies and children are adapatable. You can always find a temp to tide you over whilst you find a nanny who will repsect you (I seem to be saying that a lot lately).

I think it is a taxable benefit on the nanny if her partner also receives free accommodation and travel - another angle of attack for you? Plus you would have employer NIC on it?

As pasturesnew says, you need to look at tax implications if you were to decide to let him stay there overnight.
As the accommodation has it's own front door and I presume can be isolated from the main house (even if that just means by a door that is locked), the annex will I believe already needs it's own TV license. There may also be council tax issues - would you in affect be letting the property separately from the main home? I have a feeling it falls under council tax rules anyway though, if a nanny is in it rather than a dependant relative over 65.

As a nanny I'd say NOT ON UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Any of it.
I refuse point blank to allow friends or boyfriends in - I'm live in btw because even though I have seperate accomodation within the house it is still my bosses house and it's only common courtesey in your bosses house that they know who is there and when and give permission for that. Having him in your childs bedroom I'd call a disciplinary issue actually.
She's taking the p* and if you're not comofrtable don't let it go on as it will get to you more and more. If she knew what the job hours were she should have thought about all this before taking the job.

Oh. I know what I meant to say. If she is a professional then as her employer you should be able to have a discussion with her where you can both take on board what each other has to say constructively without it being held against you. If my boss wants a word with me (only happened once) then she says what she has to say, I respond, either by putting forward my point, apologising and sorting out whatever it is or all threen and that should be the end of the issue (in theory)

I don't quite get how your annexe is 80 miles from your house

however this would be a deal breaker

her bf lives in your flat

he is in your dd bedroom reading her a bedtime story when you are paying her to babysit (had you met him before then?)

she's doing 80 mile trips in your car at your expense

why exactly do you think this is the only suitable person to look after your children and where is the trust in thsi deal?

When you interviewed for the position... did you interview anyone else? Are they still available perhaps?

I wouldnt like to employ a woman who seems so much under the influence of her boyfriend anyway.. get shot..kids will learn to love another nanny.

I would have thought another nanny would jump at the accommadation and hours you are offering..

As a nanny (and parent) I am shocked.

I have been with my husband for almost 20 years. He has an enhanced CRB (because of his job) but there is no way in the world that he would be left with my charges because it is gross misconduct and your nanny should have been given an official warning in the very least for that behaviour.

Children are resilient and there are lots of very good nannies looking for work.

Find a new nanny that doesn't take the pee