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Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Original poster

My au pair hosting days are numbered..

33 replies

Millarkie · 19/09/2009 15:49

My dmum has just confirmed that she wants to move in and 'be our au pair' when current (lovely) au pair leaves next year. EEK!
In theory it will help out both of us since she can rent out her house until the mortgage is paid off (she's currently working 2 quite physical jobs to earn enough to do this) and will be bill-free etc with us. And since we have to have someone live-in because of dh working abroad every now and then, it might as well be Mum...but still...EEK!

OP posts:
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Greensleeves · 19/09/2009 15:53

Eek indeed!!

It depends on how you feel about your mum really. Personally I would rather have my nipples removed with an ice cream scoop than have my mother under my roof

but then my mother is Extreme

Do you think it could work? Will she respect your wishes, your preferences and your sovereignty over your home, your time and your dc?

Original poster
Millarkie · 19/09/2009 16:54

LOL!
I hope it will work. She's not very bossy or opinionated, and I'm quite laid back. She'll get more space than we give to the au pair so she'll have a living room, bathroom and bedroom so hopefully we won't be in each other's laps (she was talking about trying to get a fridge and a hotplate into her room but I'm not so sure about that
Don't expect I'll be able to give her a 'au pair manual' though.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 19/09/2009 16:59

On paper this sounds like the most ideal solution in the world.

It would be fabulous for your DC's

LindaBellinghamFanClub · 19/09/2009 17:15

"Will she respect your wishes, your preferences and your sovereignty over your home, your time and your dc?"

the OP is talking about her mother not the hired help. It will be her mother's home, too.

LittleMissNosey · 19/09/2009 17:17

But only person can really 'run' a household Linda

LittleMissNosey · 19/09/2009 17:18

Too many cooks etc etc

TeamEdwardTango · 19/09/2009 17:18

If it was my Mum, I'd jump at the chance to have her here.
If she's not bossy or opinionated, and you're laid back, and she has her own space in the house, it really could work.

How does your DH feel about living with his MIL?!

Original poster
Millarkie · 19/09/2009 19:02

Dh says he's ok with it - we've talked about some bonuses of having mum here rather than au pair (she can tell us which are plants and which are weeds in our unmanagable garden, we could ask if she could go to the occasional school assembly, she is happy to put up with the building work we are planning whereas I would be more worried about an au pair being here with builders etc).
Kids love latest au pair so not sure if they would see gran as a bonus - she's not been very hands-on with them (we used to live much much further away) compared to dh's mum but they are both school age now and are in sports clubs etc after school so need more of a chauffeur than a nurturer
Don't know what 'run a household' means though Here we just lurch along, not a lot of running. Will have cleaner and maybe dog walker and maybe gardener so she will probably be more of 'keeping an eye on people' person than anything else.

OP posts:
MatNanPlus · 19/09/2009 20:38

You could get an Ikea "kitchen in a cupboard" Millarkie for her room.

dinkystinky · 19/09/2009 20:49

my mates mum has been her live in nanny for the past 4 years - my mate estimates that with paying for her board (esp. her expensive tastes in food, wine and whisky), flights home to ireland and argentina (to see other grandchild) and nanny cover its cost her 4x a nnny would have done! Hope your mum is more economical....

Original poster
Millarkie · 19/09/2009 21:53

Hmm..well she doesn't drink and we don't have family in Argentina and although we do have family in Ireland the budget flights aren't that bad
I'll look at the Ikea kitchen-in-a-cupboard
Since one of the motivations for doing this is so she doesn't lose her 'own' home (ie. the house which she'll rent out whilst she's with us) I guess it won't be the same emotional investment as if it were her only home.
Have 6 months to plan everything now - as long as current au pair will put up with us until the end of her contract.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 20/09/2009 12:05

yourself Lynda

Mother or not, most of us would only want a relative to move in and help with the children if they were respectful of boundaries/space and able to accept that the main decision-making is done by the children's parents.

Greensleeves · 20/09/2009 12:06

Oh, sorry, you misspelt it

Linda

LindaBellinghamFanClub · 20/09/2009 16:54

It's a nickname, Greenie, so it doesn't matter how it's spelt

If my mother was coming to live with me it would be her home so she wouldn't need to be "respectful of boundaries" she would be part of the family. And if she were looking after my children whilst I was absent then I'd trust her to make decisions.

Anyway, the OP seems pretty chilled about the situation, it's just you who is up yourself.

Greensleeves · 20/09/2009 17:54

Why am I "up myself"? I think it's probably quite common for people to be wary of having a relative live with them unless they are sure that their lifestyle/parenting preferences will be respected. It sounds as though your mother wouldn't cause you a problem in that regard - that's very nice for you. It wouldn't work with my mother, unfortunately.

Amy reason for the hostility, or have you got something spiky in your knickers today?

GibbonInARibbon · 20/09/2009 18:14

How has greeny been up herself exactly? Perfectly reasonable comment imo. I adore my mum and we are very close but I know exactly what greeny meant.

Token

To the OP if you are comfortable and happy, go for it

LindaBellinghamFanClub · 20/09/2009 18:36

Anyone who uses the phrase "your sovereignty over your home, your time and your dc?" is up themselves.

GibbonInARibbon · 20/09/2009 19:00

Awww bless, was it a bit difficult to understand?

LindaBellinghamFanClub · 20/09/2009 19:16

For you maybe.

Greensleeves · 20/09/2009 20:25

lol, Linda, even you have to admit that that was a VERY childish come-back

hi Gibbon

I don't think "sovereignty" is an OTT word to choose. The OP needs to be sure that she will be able to continue parenting/living her life and dealing with her family without an uncomfortable power struggle with a relative who doesn't respect her as an adult and respect her boundaries. If the OP's mother presents no such challenge, then I'm delighted for them. It's not the case in every mother-and-daughter relationship, unfortunately.

Still curious as to why the unsolicited spikiness, Linda. Have you changed your name recently?

Original poster
Millarkie · 20/09/2009 20:40

And no one has told me what running the household entails let alone sovereignty!
Oh well, will report back in a year if the kingdom hasn't been overthrown by then

And my new phrase shall be 'have you got something spiky in your knickers?' ROFL

OP posts:
GibbonInARibbon · 20/09/2009 21:00

Hi Greeny

I too will be using 'have you got something spiky in your knickers?' at the first opportunity

TinyPawz · 20/09/2009 21:51

matnanplus can you do a link to ikea kitchen in a cupboard....i can't find it.

LindaBellinghamFanClub · 20/09/2009 22:25

Name changed in honour of Strictly - obviously - but have no idea who you are. Just think it was a pretentious turn of phrase but Gibbon clearly loves you so don't worry about it

MatNanPlus · 20/09/2009 23:11

Tinypawz here in a cupboard & another but no cupboard