Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Struggling with new au pair

35 replies

DeeMc · 29/08/2009 17:12

OK. This is a bit of a rant but I am prone to dramatic flounces and hyperbole so need to run this past other Mumsnetters who have had an au pair.

Our au pair has been with us nearly 3 weeks. she is very quiet. I pretty much don't get a response about well, anything really. She's not surly or moody just quiet and reserved. It is quite hard work but I think it's cultural and I am willing to work on this BUT...

It is my son's birthday today -- 7. He's been sooooo excited all week, we made/iced a cake yesterday etc. ect. and I told the au pair exactly what we were going to do today. Grandparents coming down, party at a farm park. She was welcome to join us.

Well, basically, we all left the house at 10:30 this morning and she didn't even put her nose out of her room to wish my son a Happy Birthday. I am fuming. I completely understand that weekends are her own time, and while it would of been very thoughtful of her to offer to help us get picnic etc. ready this morning when we were under pressure, I appreciate that Sat/ sun are her own time. HOWEVER, I am very annoyed that she didn't think to even wish one of her two charges Happy Birthday, let alone buy him a card, let alone come with us and meet some of the friends / Mum in his class.

We got back at 4, she is now out. needless to say no card etc. etc.

AM I being unreasonable by being upset by this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Summersoon · 29/08/2009 21:19

People do not send cards in all countries but I think that birthdays are marked almost everywhere, by almost everyone. In any case, the OP had made it pretty clear that this was a big day for the little boy (grandparents coming, party etc.) so she must have been completely insensitive not to have realized that some small gesture on her part would have been appropriate. Yes, it was her day off but would it have killed her to have come out, spent 10 or 15 minutes making a fuss of the boy, asking what presents he got etc. and then to retire back to her room, gracefully?
I would expect even a 16-year old to know that much.

Millarkie · 29/08/2009 21:40

I think YABU. I wouldn't expect our APs to be awake at 10.30 on a weekend or to want to come on their birthday treats and certainly not to want to meet their classmates/mums.
Our APs have tended to take a good month to settle in to our family and I don't expect too much for that first month.

limonchik · 29/08/2009 23:50

If she was up and awake and hanging round the house and didn't acknowledge the birthday, then fair enough - that is rude. If she was asleep/enjoying a lie in, then I do think it's a bit much to expect her to get up early to say Happy Birthday. When I was in my teens/early twenties I was never up before midday at the weekend.

ingles2 · 30/08/2009 12:04

no I wouldn't expect her to get up and wish him a Happy B'day, but to not seek him out the entire day is just rude... or have I got this wrong and she saw him later?
caterpilarr, nope, all my AP's have loved having a fuss made of them on their b'day. Most people do.

Bink · 30/08/2009 12:23

Yes she saw him later.
See OP's update at 18:35:51

thebody · 30/08/2009 13:59

Shes just a kid, she wouldnt understand how important your sons birthday is to you and why would she?

Why would she want to see you on her day off? no offence!

she wished him happy birthday, thats enough isnt it?

Summersun most kids social skills are 'underdeveloped, thats why they are kids?

If a parent wants Mary Poppins then pay for a nanny.

HarrietTheSpy · 30/08/2009 14:11

Maybe be careful what you wish for - have you seen the other thread about the nanny candidate that doesn't shut up? We have an au pair coming at the end of Sept and I know I'd prefer to have someone who expects to entertain herself at the weekends frankly. The person who went along to the birthday party one her day off may well be the person who expects you to take them EVERYWHERE with you, and I think you'll feel better about this situation if you think of how that would make you feel.

If you wanted her involvement/help, you need to offer her a bit more pocket money I reckon.

I agree a happy birthday was in order though.

BlueGreen · 30/08/2009 18:31

The problem here with the familes is that they(most of them) want their Aupairs to think like them and do things the way they do and love the kid/s the way they love.

The thing is they have different personalities then you have, different way of eating, doing things etc. and you can not expect from anyone that includes your aupair to change that because you empoyed them. You dont own them! I feel so sorry for those aupairs who has unreasonable families!

DadInsteadofMum · 30/08/2009 19:03

AS you say its her own time, so if she wants to spend all day with no contact with the family that is down to her. Lets put it another way if I had an employee at work whose birthday was at the weekend I wouldn't be phoning them up to wish them a happy birthday.

Also on the other thread it was established that in a lot of Europe cards are only sent to people you wouldn't be seeing on the day.

She did come out and ask if his party went OK so no I don't think her social skills are underdeveloped - she was on a day off - give her a break.

catepilarr · 31/08/2009 12:43

bluegreen, i think you hit the nail on the head as we say. thats the root of so many issuses i would have thought.

Flip

1 2