Advice needed on getting the au pair 'relationship' right?

[CaramelisedOnions]

Hi

I am on my second au pair and seem to be struggling to hit the right balance with this one too....

First au pair came just for last summer and second au pair has been here about 6 weeks with about another 4 weeks to go. However, I wondered what sort of relationship you all have with your au pairs. Part of the family or more of an employee?

The two au pairs I have had so far have slipped easily into being a part of the family which is obviously great and what I prefer but sometimes they find it hard to take any instructions from me and, I don't know, sort of respect me as their boss when its needed. I don't know if this is making sense. I want them to feel comfy in our home but also listen to me and answer politely and not sulk if I need to tell them to hang the bath mat up after I have picked it up every day for the last 6 weeks. Little things I know....

hope you don't think I am being a bit 'funny'? I am quite level headed and calm with the au pair but when I tell him something he just replies "I know, I know" before I have finished the sentence, even when making small talk.

My main reason for choosing Western European aupairs is that their English tends to be better. Such voluminous paperwork would not work with someone who is truly here to learn English. If I am at work, I need to be able to give instructions over the phone and for them to understand.

Plus the fact my hours are quite short with consequently less pocket money. I am in fact not an attractive prospect for Eastern European aupairs and tend not to get much interest from them in any case.

Thanks blue shoes.

I may start my hunt again soon but will leave some time for the dust to settle. AP leaves this morning, I am fine about it, just didn't work out so no bad feelings, but feel that AP is a bit bitter as hasn't really come out of his room since decision made...

I am starting to think that maybe I cannot cope with someone extra in the house but need to give myself a good talking to. I think it is OK and reasonable to expect AP to be polite and enthusiastic about being here. I should be able to mention things when they occur and not feel as though I am being a bit 'funny' about things, shouldn't I ? I am always tactful and diplomatic. However, I do know that I come across as a strong person who says what they think - feels better than storing up all the resentment that AP hasn't done something they should have done IYKWIM.

Great advice blue shoes, I will keep this thread and refer back to it.

Comes late to thread - sorry to hear about AP abandoning you.

I don't have a voluminous handbook, I feel there is something that doesn't fit with my personal style about pointing out why rule 33 is there.

What we do is have a sit down for 10 minutes (or however long it takes) in the evening where we go through good and bad points, this is every night when they first arrive, now (two months in with current one) it is once or twice a week. Also important to give them a chance to feedback on what they found tough or objectionable. This is when I am in employer mode. The rest of the time we tryand make it as much a family situation as possible.

One of the first questions I ask is what is the longest time you have spent away from home. I have found that people that have worked on summer camps do tend to make good au pairs. One I look out for is a French au pair who claims to have an animator's qualification this is not a cartoonist but a poor translation of the French "looking after kids in an informal out of school/play environment" for which there is no easy English word.

Dad, thanks for your comments. Interesting to hear about your style. I think your way could fit in with DH's approach and will definately pass on your comments to him.

I want to get that balance right of relaxing into family life but also earning their keep, so to speak.

Can I ask how many au pairs have you had and how long have each of them lasted?

Feel like a bit of a flop atm....

Hi Onions
I know someone who had a stunning Polish au pair who was so kind to her childrena dn I knew a girl from a toddler group who was an ex Slovikian au pair, who seemed very kind- albeit quite strict, so dont rule Eastern Europe out!!

Sorry to hear you are back to the strat again, good luck getting it sorted

FWIW over the last 5 years I have had:

great Swedish girl
dreadful Turkish girl
so-so French girl
nightmare Finnish girl
very cheerful Spanish guy
fab fab fab Swedish guy

Good to hear your success stories.

I have found a message from our departed AP along the lines of 'be prepared never to stop learning in life....', oh gawd!

Can I agree with whoever it was who said to look for someone with a working mother? I have had:

Excellent German girl (with working mother, no father at home, cheerful, good with the kids, still comes on holidays with us some times).
Poor Danish girl (never lived away from home before, had boyfriend at home, had no younger siblings, mother did not work out of the house). When I write this all down I wonder why we took her on! She left after three months to the sounds of general cheering.

Libra - like the 'general cheering' comment! Can't say there were many tears when our French'un left yesterday. Even our first au pair elicited some emotion in the DCs.

So far:

Excellent French one - had worked on summer camps, lived away from home since 18, no siblings, both parents worked, very crafty (as in arts not sneaky), stayed til end of contract.

Superb (but slightly wild) Dutch one, hadn't lived away from home, eldest of three, both parents worked, mum used to run a nursery, stayed til end of contract.

Current very good Canadian, lived away from home, one sibling, mum doesn't work, slight cleaning obsession (that I can put up with ) currently says she wants to extend contract.

On the boyfriend issue, I try to avoid aupairs who have boyfriends in their hometown. A risk of taking on such an aupair is that she might get love/homesick and end contract early. But if her boyfriend is in UK or not too far away, you probably won't see her for dust on weekends!

BTW, my aupair's room is too small for sleepovers and I specify no male overnight guests (well, except long term boyfriends, but none of mine have had one yet, though little dalliances afaik!) in any case.

We had a French "animatrice" - she was great, although her English was rubbish (but didn't matter much as we all speak French).

Also had one with serious bf in France - she was fine and it caused no problems. Reminds me the animatrice was in lurve big time with a French Legionnaire...until he ditched her teh day before a romantic meet up in Paris. She was a bit emotional for 24 hours, went to Paris, met some friends...and never mentioned him again!

They are all different!

I think my employer will be avoiding people with serious boyfriends after me - I'm leaving to get married - and the previous nanny left because her boyfriend moved to Germany!

Sorry for the inconvenience you AP has caused you, Onions, but it sounds like the best thing in the long run!