nanny needs some advice from both side, is it going too far?

[babloogirl]

Hello,

I will try to make it as short as I can but quote the facts as they are.
I started nannying for this family back in February 2009. So it has only be a couple of months.
I am a live-in nanny during the week, but I leave out with my partner on week ends. they knew about that and are fine with it.

There is a few thing bothering me, but I would start with the main one.

The money for activities with the child or any errands.
From time to time during the week they provide me with money, but when there is no money, I have to advance the money and they then refund me which is not a problem for me as long as I can afford to advance.

Last friday, the mum came to me at 7.50am just before I start, giving me a list and asking me if I could advance the money. I told her that it is going to be a bit difficult for me because this week I have lots of expenses going out (rent, council tax,and some direct debits).

She then accused me of not being reliable because I couldn't even advance her 20£. I was completely shocked that she was accusing me of that so I explained her about my expenses going out, but she told me that you are getting x£ per month, you rent is that much, where is the rest of your money going?

I really think that this is none of her business where I spent my money, but as she was insisting to know I had to tell her, that I am repaying some debts which is the reason why I am a bit short of money.

But I really don't think I should have had to justify myself.
Plus looking back in the diary, I noticed that in June I advanced her twice 38£ and then 36£, and much more times little amounts.

After she left to work, she rang her husband and they were clearly speaking about me and what just happened, and just before he left, the dad left the 3£ they owed me from the day before on the table (as if I am begging for money). the mum apologised to me over the phone for the way she talked to me in the morning (and in front of her child) but then she said that I should understand that she is worried about the welfare of her son if I don't even have 20£ to advance her.

So that is the first point which is bothering me (keeping it as short as possible)

My second point is that since I started with them, I rarely go out, it must have happened less that 5 times (in 5 months)and always coming back early (11pm at the latest). anyway,

They ask me to send them a text when I get to my partner on friday night to make sure I arrived alive...and every sunday night they ask me to send them a text to know what time I will be back which I completely accept to do because I don't want them to worry (they said me they are worried about me travelling on my own by tube and train...) I am usually back to their place between 9pm and 10.30pm.

One sunday night I send them a text saying that I will be home a bit later at 11.30pm. I straight away got a reply saying please note that we want you to be home no later than 11pm. Once again I was really upset, I spoke a bit with them when I got back and they told me that this is the rule I should respect it. I tried to tell them that I am never going out during the week, apart from the sunday night when I come back later because I am enjoying my day off with my partner. I wouldn't be the kind of person staying out past 11.30, midnight at the latest.

I really feel like trapped or back at my parents (I am 25). Am I doing anything wrong?

Plus in my contract it is stated that I should do 2 babysitting a month, in june I did 4. I did not ask to be paid extra or anything so I am not the kind of person who would moan about everything (I hope you are not getting the feeling that I am).

So my question is: am I being unreasonable in my acts?

(thanks for the one who read this until then end

Regarding the first point they are very unreasonable. at asking you where the rest of your money is going.

Ditto on the babysitting issue.

Regarding the second point, it is not clear. Did you agree on that before you start? Is it part of the contract? If so, you cant argue now that they are unreasonable. I know it is very mean of them to make fuss for 30 minutes but... If you have agreed when you accepted the job then i wouldn't argue about it and wouldn't include it in the reasons of resigning.

I think the best thing to do is to join couple of Agencies (your employers don't need to know yet) not only they will help you in finding another job but most importantly will advise you on your resigning letter, references, cv etc.

Good luck

How come is couple of months since February? Or you had long hols between?

Wow I don't even ask what my DD spends her money on, it's her's and she's only 9. To ask a grown adult how much their bills are is appalling IMO I would be really .

If my employer asked my for an advance I would be are they skint? ask them next time they ask you to pay for something. And as for doing the grocery shopping and picking up dry cleaning tell them to bugger off, your'e a nanny not a scivvy, if they want a mothers help then they should have hired you in that capacity.

I think nannys are to put on, your'e job is to look after the children, blummin heck thats what your'e trained for, find a family that respects you as a person and a professional, I doubt it will get any better if they are treating you like this after just a few months. Sign up with some agencies, have you got a friend with children who could give you a reference or one from your tutor or work placements?. Personally when I have looked for staff I judge them on who they are and the interview and a gut feeling of trust rather than ref's as lets face it's not unknown to have a slightly fictional CV, I hired someone who fell out with their boss on a gut feeling (not a nanny) one of the best staff I've ever had and I met the prev boss a few years later and thought yep what an arsehole.

Start looking for something else in your 2 weeks off and check stuff out, good luck.

YANBU, they are being completley unreasonable

it is NONE of her buisness what you spend your £ on.
also i wouldnt be calling / texting to let them no when i have arrived or am leaving etc.... which is also NONE of their buisness

yanbu

but did you discuss a kitty/curfew/bs at the interview?

i always ask a bout a kitty and a credit card - cheeky some may think, but tbh least on a credit card you can see where the money is going, where a nanny who has say £50 kitty a week can spend it on whatever and the mb may not not know/ask

it is NONE of your mb business what YOU spend YOUR salary on - it is yours.

tbh i think it is sweet/caring that they want to know you are back home safe on a friday night, when job moved 2hrs away, i went with them for 2mths to settle children in/find a nanny etc, and i always texted them to say i got home ok - friday night and m25 can be lethal

i do feel that as long as you are there and ready to start work at 7am monday morning then it is NONE of their business what time you come back on sunday AS long as you are quiet (which you are)

you do need to sit down and have a chat and discuss what you are not happy with and then if they wont compromise, start looking for a new job

def DONT leave without notice, that is how nannys get bad names

you signed a contract and have to repect that (and yes i have 2mths notice in mine, i feel that a month isnt enought to find,interview, check refs etc and get a new job/nanny)

use your 2weeks off and see if there are any jobs about you like, but be warned if you are new to this, so you have no experince you MAY find it hard to get another job, esp if you leave this one before a year

I agree with everyone else that they are being unreasonable. But, I disagree that you should be handing your notice in.

Now is not a great time to be job hunting. If I were you I would ask for a formal meeting with them, without the children around, to discuss these issues and propose solutions. Even if nothing gets better, stick it out for a few more months. It will be much easier for you to find your second job if you stayed in the first one for a year.

Very unreasonable of them. Especially with a curfew. In my job the curfew rule is "Just try not to make too much noise!" and obviously if I do venture off I tell them when I expect to be back, but as I have no evening social life it's all okay really But seriously, get out of there, they're truly being bastardised by the sound of things!

1. The money thing would bother me. IMO you're showing sense and maturity by budgeting. Your debts are nothng to do with them - I owe the governement £12k in student loans. Do my employers care? No. If they don't leave you money then you don't spend any.

1. Any issues they have with you should be discussed away from the child. I second whoever said that the next time they do this you should hand your notice in.

1. The curfew, if they've just imposed it on you, is crazy. And 11.30 for a 25 year old is ridiculous. The texting thing wouldn't bug me so much.

1. Clamp down on the babysitting now. If they mention you've done it before say you thought it was a one off, you're a flexible person but you could be doing other things, like earning money babysitting for other people!

I would think twice about handing your notice in. It is your first nanny job and it's difficult enough to find jobs in the current climate as it is however if it's really intolerable then staying isn't healthy. I have 2 months notice in my contract, I handed mine in last week and it doesn't feel long enough!

I agree with the others, I think you're not being unreasonable at all. I don't have experience with live-in nannies, we have a part-time live-out nanny (about 20 hours a week). I'm a bit horrified by the whole curfew issue in particular!! Just out of curiosity, what's the logic behind it (if any)? Have they said? Is it that they want quiet? Is it that they worry if you're later? What on earth is it?? .

As the others have said, I would sit down & have an honest, open discussion with both mother & father (without the child there). At the end of the day, if you can't manage to have a good, open discussion with them & reach a mutually acceptable agreement, there's not much hope for this job to work out in the long run. Open discussions like that are the most basic thing you should be able to manage with your nanny. If that doesn't work & you're not satisfied by what happens, then prepare for your next job (& hand in your notice whenever you feel you're ready).

haven't read all replies so forgive if i repeat but just wanted to agree with posts that tell you to give notice asap, esp. if 2 months. You seem like you are pretty mch dreading going back after break.

It is difficult to have an outside perspective when you work alone and parents make you feel unreasonable. Seems like they are treating you, and maybe making you feel, like a little girl.

I had a rubbish first job and stayed much too long giving all sorts of chances and having discussions that never changed anything. Thought I'd chosen wrong career and eventually after one crazy week gave minimum notice. They had huge issue with this and witheld my pay and wouldn't let me work notice. Also refused to give reference or for me to see child again unless I gave more notice. Years later they texted me to say sorry and asked me back!- some parents often have to learn the hard way.

I was totally honest to my next employers at interview- didn't go on about it for ages and tried not to lay blame except simple facts. Generally said we had incompatible ideas of my role and that I gave notice. They were totally fine with it, spoke to the parents who were 'ok' and got the job.

Also better to get out sooner before things get worse due to building resentment, else future employers might wonder why you stayed if you were truly unhappy.

Nearly every job since I have enjoyed going in and rarely have monday morning/post-holiday blues.

good luck...