New nanny comment

[BrandyAlexander]

My new nanny started a few weeks ago and I think she is great with DD (who is a few months old). I can't emphasise enough what a good job she is doing, and she goes out of her way to do extra things for us as well. Totally unasked and definitely not expected from us, but very much appreciated. However,I am finding that she doesn't necessarily put herself in my position and/or doesnt appear to be very sensitive to the fact that DD is my PFB, and that I have had to go back to work relatively early. While she doesn't know that I was dreading going back to work and spent the previous week crying about it, I would have thought that for a very experienced nanny that she would have been aware that its not easy thing for most mothers to leave their babies and go to work. There are a couple of little things that she has done that are just insensitive (e.g. at the end of the day, I seem to have to wrestle my baby off her when I get home) and yesterday as she left for the day (early, because I had come home 4 hours early), she said "Your mummy is taking over from me. I am leaving you to play with mummy. That will be odd won't it?". It just left me feeling v upset as she seemed to imply that it would be a novelty for DD to spend time playing with me. My husband says that I should just be grateful that she really likes DD and really goes the extra mile on everything and not let these little things upset me. Am I being overly sensitive? Is this the kind of unfortunate comment that nannies just make sometimes?

Hi there,

I'm a nanny with my own child (DS just turned 1) and now I have my son I can totally understand where you are coming from.

But before having him in reality I never knew how hard it was for a mother to leave there child, I always knew it would not be a nice thing to have to do but never comprehened (sp?)just how hard it really is. God I don't like to leave DS with anyone not even his dad.

But from the nanny's point of view, in past jobs some parents have prefered to get changed and freshen up a little before taking there babys for cuddle, but not me I can't wait to get my hands on DS when he has been left with anyone eles (not that my MIL relises this and clings on to him as long as possible).

I agree wrong choice of word "as odd" but I'm sure it wasn't ment in that way, tbh I often get a bit tongue tied around my bosses especailly in a new job and i'm sure I have said things in the past that have come out a bit wrong. If I were you I'd just tell the nanny how your feeling but reasure her that you are happy with her and her job is safe but just a little harder than you thought it would be.

TheRealMrsJohnSimm - that sounds awful! I am not surprised you sent her home.

Nicadooby - my nanny doesn't have her own children but she has many years of experience, most of which are with babies. Like you, having DD, has given me more insight into some things, that I thought I really understood before, but comprehend a lot more now. E.g. mum always told me how upset she was the first day that she had to drop me at the childminder at 12 weeks and how she sobbed so much she was sent home from work. I always had sympathy before, but now when she retold me that story I feel it a lot more.

I must say thank you again to everyone. This thread gave me the confidence to have a another conversation with my husband thia morning about my concerns, and added in with explaining to him a couple of other comments from her and little incidences over the over the last few days (not quite in the Mrs Simms category but without saying something now, I think we could end up there), he now has a lot more sympathy and understanding.

I just need to take a deep breath now and make sure that I broach the subject with her in a sensible way. I don't want to upset her, but equally, I can't carry being upset either!

as she has only been with you a few weeks, say to her about having a general chat

you can then mention that you are happy with her (if you def are) but that you found going back to work and leaving your baby with her harder then what you thought

are you likely to comehome 4hrs early again or was it a one off?

maybe say to the nanny that when you come home,it is fab to be mummy again after a hard days work in office - and you look forward to cuddling your baby as soon as you get through the door

I agree with the others, you need to tell your nanny how you feel, and if she doesn't understand then she's not the right nanny for you! She should be supporting your role as a working mother, not making you feel even guiltier about going to work than you already might do IYSWIM? With all my charges I have got them all excited at the sound of the key in the door and they would all run/crawl/be carried to their mummy and daddy as soon as they got home, some parents might want to freshen up but with all my families they've loved having their kids right there to hug and kiss them and welcome them home

I'm a bit late here. But I just want to say that I agree with other that your nann is incensitive the least. A good nanny knows when to take the lead and when to step back and let mum take over.

What did you mean by you have to wrestle the baby from her? Is she resisting hanf=ding the baby over when you have clearly asked for, or did she just miss the subtle hint? If she is challenging you as if the baby is hers and not yours then I would most certainly establish who works for whom on no uncertian terms asap.

Do you have a nanny diary? This is a good way to keep informed of what they get up to during the day, what the baby eats, etc. These are things I would like to retain some level of control over if I were in your position. Of course, I don't mean dictate every hour of the day. But, I would set some general gudelines and maybe pick an ativity or two during the week which I would sign them up for. (music class, play group, etc.)

Hi Athene, when I get home, I take my jacket off, wash my hands, remove lipstick and then go in and say hello to them. Its not that the nanny is refusing to hand DD to me, its just that when I get home, she doesn't hand DD to me, and I have to wait patiently for her to do it, and this can be a few mins. I started putting my hands out to DD and saying "come to mummy" as a hint because DD isnt old enough to make the movement herself, so it needs nanny to stop guarding over her, pick DD up and give her to me, or, what I have started doing is just reaching out and picking her up myself when I feel I have given enough hints. We do have a nanny diary and I have organised activities as well so I know what they are doing, plus I used the house rules to talk about the kind of things I wanted her to do with DD. She is following all of these, and, as I say is brilliant with DD. Last week, DD started a new activity, and the three of us went together, (I took time off from work as I like to know what the activity is like for DD). She took DD from the car as I was on the phone and then when we got to the place, she started doing the activity with DD, while I just sat there like a lemon feeling miserable - wanting the best for DD (she really enjoyed it!) and not having the confidence to say to the nanny that I wanted to do the activity with DD given that I am not going to the chance to do it every week. As people have said, it's just v insensitive and unempathetic (if that's a word).

It can be difficult for a nanny when the mother is around, to know automatically what they should do and what you want her to do, especially if you're not communicating your expectations to her! Maybe the nanny felt you were checking up on her and how she was doing the job rather than wanting to do it with dd? If my boss came to an activity with us and didn't tell me otherwise, I would probably get on with things rather than sitting back and waiting to be told what to do.

I'm afraid I don't understand why you are waiting to be handed your dd either. You want the nanny to pick her up and give her to you? Why not just pick her up yourself?

It does sound to me like you have a bit of a problem telling your nanny what you want her to do. You're her boss and she's not psychic!

NOTD - you are NOT being v sensitive, you are the mother of a very young baby who has had to return to work and hand over the reigns to another person to look after your DD.
Regarding the activity that you attended with your nanny and your DD, and the nanny taking over, well this is where you are going to have to start being a bit more assertive and take control. Just take your DD off the nanny and say you are going to enjoy this activity with your DD as it is a treat for you, and not the norm as it is for her.
At the end of the day no matter how amazing, your nanny is an employee of yours and I doubt you would stand by in your work place and witness an employee of yours be insubordinate (which is exactly what your nanny is being) and dismiss it, as they are "so good" at the job they do.
In my nanny contract I have a clause that insubordination is grounds for dismissal.
Maybe your nanny is a bit thick and cant read subtle cues? Is grossly insensitive Or maybe she is trying to show you who is boss? Either way you need to address this or you will become more and more unhappy.
NannyL.... you sound like you relish the fact that the children cry for you and not their parents in the morning. I think it is hard enough for parents, particularly mothers, to return to work when their children are very young. We KNOW you are their main carer, don't you think that hurts us?? Most women I know who return to work when their babies are 3 or 4 months old aren't doing it because they want to, but because they have to!
And all you judgey nannies out there who "won't nanny for women who don't work part/full time", get off your high horses and just be bloody grateful someone will employ you in your chose career.
Rant over.
p.s my nanny is bloody amazing and has done more for my DD than I could have done as a stay at home mother.

How on earth is the op nanny being "insubordinate? "

and I find the way you describe her as "a bit thick" is a bit uncalled for. You seem a bit riled up tbh. I did not deduce this from the OP at all.

Have a review.

When it is a new activity say to your nanny that you wish to do it with DD this time and any other times you can as she will be doing it regularly.

Ask Nanny what other local activities DD might enjoy.

Do tell your nanny how hard you have found it to leave DD even tho you know she is in very capable hands.

I wouldn't wait for DD to be handed to you and equally i wouldn't hint at wanting DD i would say something like "mummy snuggle time" and if nanny didn't make a move i would get DD.

Nanny should have DD ready to give to you ideally so she can have already said her goodbyes.

Being a nanny and being a mum with a nanny requries communication and it isn't sensible to expect either nanny or mum to read subtle signs or hints as this can lead to differing interpretations and more issues.

Agree with the OP - the nanny was insensitive. Nanny should be saying something along the lines of "Ah, look, Mummy's here! Isn't that lovely!", give your DD a big kiss and hug and say "See you tomorrow" before handing her over to you very quickly. You are the mother and the nanny should not be insinuating that there is anything "odd" about your DD being with you.

i am guessing that she has no clue how you are feeling, and wants to show you how good she is with the baby / how good a relationship she has with the baby
she has no idea this is tactless, she thinks you want to see her, the employee, doing a top job

It's worth remembering that all employers are different, and not all mums want the baby handed over to them as soon as they walk in. I worked for a woman once who wouldn't come and take the 4 month old from me until my finish time, regardless of when she'd got in. I was responsible for the baby until 7pm and MB would NOT have been happy if I'd done this: "Ah, look, Mummy's here! Isn't that lovely!", give your DD a big kiss and hug and say "See you tomorrow" before handing her over to you very quickly.

Best to just be clear with your nanny what it is you want. Doesn't sound like she's being insubordinate at all, just keen to show you what a good job she's doing, a bit insensitive to your situation, and not great at picking up subtle hints.

I think you need to give this much more time - she is still getting into her groove as are you. OP says she is doing a great job, she is just not reading you yet. Certainly does not mean she is "thick."Give it time.

Lots of sensible replies. I agree maybe be a bit more upfront-rush in grab the baby and cover her with kisses if that is how you feel-it is your baby after all-I always did and do.
Some nannies can be very insensitive and some incredibly thoughtful and sensitive in these situations-I have had both. I think you should bring up the conversation and specifically the 'odd' comment-maybe she was a bit miffed and thought you didn't trust her and were checking up on her (which you are perfectly within your rights to do of course).
My last nanny actually seemed surprised when she gave notice 10 days before my return to work after 6 months ML with DC2 that I would be extending my ML and not getting a new nanny straight away.
-Oh I thought you had to go back to work?
Er yes-I did have to go back to work in order to pay your salary to ensure DC1 had continuity...but now that I don't I will be more than happy to spend more time with my own children-

I think you might be well served to work on your assertiveness. When you walk in the door, smile and say "What a long day. I'm just going to pop upstairs for a minute, and then I'll be back dow to see DD so I'll take her off your hands in just a few minutes." Then when you come back down, just put your arms out and take her. She's your baby. Just do what you like. DOn't sit there waiting for her to make the first move like a lady in waiting.

Happy, positive assertiveness will go a long way to making your point without expressing any negativity. Maybe the nanny is wondering why you don't just pick her up? Or maybe she is oblivious to the whole thing. It is difficult to work for someone who doesn't give instruction.

Being honest, I act no differently with my two then I would if their Mumboss was there! And if I had younger charges and took them to an activity with Mumboss, I'd feel as though she expected me to show her what I do, so I think you're in the wrong there for just assuming your nanny knows everything and is doing this insensitively! You NEED to communicate with her, because this is all it comes down too, lack of communication. She's just doing her job and whilst the comment may've been uncalled for (though probs an accident), you are now sounding very insecure about yourself and you need to overcome that for your sake and your child's in the best way that you can, and also ensure that your nanny is doing what you want her to do by speaking with her instead of complaining on here about her, because if you voiced these concerns in person I reckon she'd feel terrible for making you feel out of the loop (probably unintentionally)!

regards the activity - again was a bit insenstive of the nanny to do it all with your child,and only really needs one person and you to feel left out (assume it was a class like tumbletots/music/swim) but then again why take your nanny if you wanted to do it on your own

just sounds like a case of crossed wires to me

if my mb is with m/working from home/day poff etc, i carry on as normal, so i would take children to school, to music etc UNLESS mb said she will take them

Hi, I spoke to my nanny this morning. I told her that she is doing a great job with DD and that I was really happy with how she is looking after DD. I said that I really miss DD when I am away from home and needed her to better at recognising this and therefore be sensitive of this in my presence. I gave a couple of examples, including the activity thing last week. I said that in the future, if I take the odd morning off to spend with DD then I will be doing DD's activities alone with her as it will be a treat for me since I miss DD and want to spend quality time with her.

When I got home this evening, I could my nanny saying to DD, while I was in the hallway, "Mummy's home, how exciting". When I got to them, she was holding DD and when I stretched out my arms to take DD off her, she handed her straight to me, without ignoring my outstretched arms (I wasn't clear before but this is what she was doing). I feel so much better this evening, so thank you for the advice.

Sounds like a great great result.

Now stop feeling bad about going to work.

glad you're feeling better.
i do also think it was a mixture of not being clear/assertive and nanny being a bit insensitive/ trying too hard to show you she was doing a great job with DD without taking into account your feelings.

re the activity thing, YABU. sometimes i go to activities with my DDs and there will be a nanny there with her charge, plus a mum looking uncomfortable on the sidelines and clapping/smiling at her DC. i always think "why are you here? either join in or bog off!" it's like they are checking up / spectating on their DCs day with the nanny.

Now that's asking for a lot! It would have been great to have had more time with DD before I went back to work. I watch with those people who have had a year off work, but unfortunately, if I did the same, I would have no business when I returned to work so my compromise has been to go back early but to be part time. I didn't factor in nanny stresses though!

glad you had a chat and all seems to be sorted

maybe as you work part time you can manage to swap/chnage your hours to take dd to an activity every now and again or plan one on a day its just you and her