Employers/nannies - advice/opinions needed re: disagreements

[frAKKINPannikin]

I'm hoping for some perspective here: I rarely disgree with my employers (twice in my time here) and never openly. When I have questioned her decision, in private, both to do with things which take place when I'm in charge - one regarding TV watching and the other the timing of his piano lesson. There are things which I would do differently with my own child but if that's the way she wants things done then that's the way I do it.

I have a good friend here, who has a similar employment set up to me, and she's constantly talking about arguments/disagreements she's had with her employer. It's things like the food they buy for her charge to eat, what games he has, how they react to his (admittedly sometimes terrible) behaviour, their arrangements when both employers travel with grandparents coming to stay....she even brings up things which I personally don't feel are anything to do with her such as what times he gets up/goes to bed at weekends.

Am I exceptionally lucky or is she overly argumentative? Am I somehow being neglectful because I'm not challenging her on her decisions more often?

And nannies: how do you disagree with your employer? Obviously not in front of the children but just in passing at the end of the day or in a sit-down review type meeting?
Employers, would you prefer your nanny to say something or shut up and get on with it?

Am I somehow being neglectful because I'm not challenging her on her decisions more often?

The her here clearly being my employer....[tired, brain frazzled emoticon]

I disagree with lots of things my employers do - I'll give one example - not making sure the children eat certain amounts of veg etc at meals.

I don't discuss it with my employers or the children - the children have just come to accept they ALWAYS have to eat 3 serves of veges with dinner when I cook, and that's the way it is.

I feel like it would be unethical for me not to give them the best care I can while I'm there. I think their parents appreciate it actually, because it means they can not stress so much at weekends / special occasions because they know I am feeding them XY and Z every other day?

ILAPJ - nice name could we be related?

Anyway...I disagree with a lot of things that my bosses do but never to their face. The kids are never put to bed on time (especially Sundays when it is a school night), they scream all weekend, the house is a mess. These are things that I NEVER allow. But in the end they are not my children. If the children are not in any danger or what the parents are doing is completely undermining you then I would let it go.

tricky - you are there as their employee and basically have to follow their views/disapline etc

no probs in current job,mbdb and i are on the same wave length - a 1st for me in 17years tbh - i am sure that as mb works part time, therefore she has her children on her own 2 days, where all my other famillies have worked 5 days and therefore never have children on their own and always 2 parents at weekends - so she knows what they are like, she likes good manners etc and WILL NOT take any crap

I have often said that my mb is like a honoury nanny in her views and tbh hope i am like her if i am a mummy

saying that ex mb was a nightmare and would let the children get away with everything, but as long as they did what I wanted 8-6 then i let them do it

they would ask for advice over a problem, and then ignore it, moan again and I would say you havent followed what i have said,so dont moan to me

im very blunt

never had to disgaree in this job but ex jobs i would never undermind the parents just as i expect them to respect me and then say something later , ie NOT in front of the children

I disagree with my DB's way of things, though I don't often say it to his face. When he's home during the week he won't put the younger kid to bed, she'll go up really later, like her usual time is 8 but he won't put her to bed until gone 9, which is a bitch when I have to wake her up in the morning! I've tried hinting at him that she's tired and he says to me (as if it's my responsibility) "Well she needs to go to bed earlier as she's tired..." but then he is really hard on the other kiddo who goes to bed between 9 and 10, saying he HAS to be in bed by nine, even if little'un is still up rolls eyes

He drives me nuts when he's home, he's a lovely guy normally, but seems to have a really laid back style of parenting which I agree with, but to a certain extent. It feels that he thinks I'm the one who's supposed to parent them if MB isn't there or will undermine me unintentionally. Don't put you dishes away, Pixi will do it (whereas I make them do it themselves as they are certainly old enough!). Don't tidy up, that's Pixi's job.

But he is a lovely person the rest of the time I really get along with my host parents, but obvs we will wind one another up on occasion lol

"Don't put you dishes away, Pixi will do it (whereas I make them do it themselves as they are certainly old enough!). Don't tidy up, that's Pixi's job."

What??????

That is dreadful.

My children were told to do those things as it wasn't the au pairs job to pick up after them. How old are the children?

i make my 3 and 6yr take dishes/cups up todw

i have also pulled up db on it - he drives mb mad as he doesnt put his dishes in the dw - apparently the dw fairy does it

he was working from home for a few days and kept leaving plates about, and in front of mb i said " have you lost the use of your hands/" db said no

i said " then put your plate/cup away in the dw,if you dont do it,how can the children learn" and mb almost wet herself laughing and agreed with me!!

I would welcome my nanny's opinion. But after she has voiced it, and I have then made a decision and communicated that decision I would expect her to follow it -- even if she disagreed. If she didn't, I'd be mighty unhappy with her. If she blatantly ignored my instruction and made her own choices, she probably be asked to leave on very short notice. (within the limits of the contract of course)

I did have a nanny like this once. She meant well and she thought her decisions were best. But it was definitely a problem. There are some things I do not wish to delegate as a parent. If I want DD to stand on her head and squok like crow after school, then I expect the nanny to see that she does it.

But, I do try to listen to my nanny's opinions and accommodate them if they don't conflict with what I want for DD and DS.

It drives me nuts. The parents never put their dishes in the DW. Ill open the door at night when they get home then they waltz in like I am the doorman. They never put anything away just leave it lying for me to do. Aaarrrggghhhh!!!

then dont do it and leave it lou

He's under the impression that if the kids bin food it will encourage mice/ants and I think he wants me to hone my [lack of] cleaning skills. They're most definately old enough, one pre-teen and the other in junior school.

My DB doesn't tidy up after himself either though, MB will usually at least put the saucepans in the sink and 90% of the time wash them (same with me though, 90% of the time I'll wash them, but if I put the kids to bed they can wait until the morning), but DB will leave everything a mess for me to do in the morning, which makes me feel hypocritical telling the kids that they have to tidy their own stuff as I tidy their Dad's lol

I'm also a veggie, and that can cause problems when they use the bread board to cut up ham and things and then just put it back without washing it with bits of ham still stuck to it, or DB will use the wooden spoons I brought for myself and my food to cook his meat dishes with, even though I put them in my area and have asked them not to use it (which normally is respected).
I can accomodate meateaters as I'm not a veggie who cares about the animals as such (just the thought of eating them), but trying to hone the point of cross contamination to DB is a pain in the arse. Especially when he makes little comments in front of my older charge, with whom I have an agreement of "I respect your eating habits and you respect mine."
DB doesn't understand vegetarianism at all and will go "oo, meat." as he gets it out of the fridge, completely ignoring the fact that I cook meat for his kids 3/4 times a week rolls eyes

My DB is a typical man methinks

i used to have a really strong idea of how i would bring up my children but have seen how so many often contradictory approaches can work i now just emphasise to parents that predicability (i.e. security) for children should be the main thing we aim towards- even consistency is flexible- diff. permissiveness/cultures/languages with different people etc.

I might suggest things like 'Have you thought about getting more of a balance with less tv vs. other activity' or 'more tv so they don't feel so isolated during play with peers' or 'Some people think/do this...so that...and i have found it to work really well in the past'. Parents hopefully would appreciate that you think/care about their child and you may well have the experience/insight that your input is a valuable contribution.

But you are not supernanny, the consultant, you are an employee and sometimes you just have to follow orders. I had a family once that wanted me to buy only a particular brand of bottled water, transfer it to a glass jug for 2 days, then another glass jug before my charge could drink it. It was my daily entertainment but with so little control over many such things i felt totally unfullfiled and only satyed 3 months.

i respect my nanny's judgment and opinion and if she felt strongly about something i think she would say so, and it woudl make me think. i also ask her advice when im not sure i am handling something right.
but at the end of the day i'm ds's mother and if we disagree, then at the end of the day it's my call. we are pretty much on the same wavelength on most things with one or two exceptions (i'm more anti tv than her for example). but it works because me, dh and her always try to do the same thing so that ds has consistency, ie i wouldn't let him stay up late at weekends because then she'd have to deal with an exhausted whining child in the morning. we all take the same line on discipline - if he's not allowed to do it when she's in charge, he's not allowed to do it with me or dh.
if you're not arguing a lot with your boss its probably a sign you are working together well - your friend who is always arguing is probably foisting her opinions too much on her boss (if she doesnt like the way her boss parents, her best option is to leave, frankly).
and Pixi i would never DREAM of telling ds when my nanny was here that he could let things go and she would pick up after him, and he's not yet two, that's just rude and it also sends a rotten message to the child.