au pair questions - only child au pair? and what about boyfriends at home?

[MizZan]

Thanks for opening.

We're experienced au pair employers, but I have to admit I've had some trouble recruiting this time around, possibly because we're trying to find someone to stay at least 9 months as dc2 doesn't cope too well with changing carers frequently.

our two main candidates at the moment are:

• AP #1 a girl who sounds very nice and is finishing up her degree (which I like), but is an only child, stated that she is "the centre of my parents' world", and whose only experience with small children is teaching kindergartners for an hour or two at a time (regularly over a one-year period). Has worked outside her native country (not in childcare though) for a three month period and is now studying overseas. Her questions for me have all been things like "Tell me what you would change about your family" and "can you describe each person in your family in one word", she hasn't really asked anything about the routine, or about the children specifically.

• AP #2, who's just finishing her secondary school (age 19), sounds lovely as well and has experience looking after various small children of her godparents and other relatives on a very regular basis, but seems much less sure about where she's going in life and has mentioned several times that she has a boyfriend whom she hopes to speak with every day, which gives me pause. She's also never lived away from home at all. Has older siblings but not younger ones.

Any thoughts or advice? We had great success with our last 19 year old AP, but she was exceptionally mature and considerate. I would prefer someone older if possible but there just seem to be few of them around.

and final question - is it worth our paying to bring them over for a weekend? can we really tell much in such a short time?

Hi Mizzan, Our last au pair (known to us as 'lovely au pair') had a boyfriend at home (had been with him for 5 years or so) and was 20yrs old. She was great..so a boyfriend at home might not be a problem. I think it may have helped that we let him fly over with her (carried some bags for her) and stay with her the first weekend so he had also met us, seen the house/village/local town and it possibly made it easier for him to imagine what she was doing and for her to describe what she was up to. She used MSN and skype to keep in contact with him.
I'm not sure about the childcare experience side - current au pair (see recent threads for her behaviour) had a reference saying that she had looked after 2 toddler age children for 18 months which we checked was genuine but I suspect that it was actually a 'friend of the family', so I'm more cynical about the 'babysitting relations' experience now. I feel that you are not convinced by your first candidate - I would try asking her a series of scenario questions eg. Child 1 doesn't want to eat her greens - how would you persuade her? And see if she can demonstrate some idea of how to treat children.
As for siblings - again, lovely AP was an only child..current AP is middle one of 3.
(And whoever you choose - can my new AP meet them, she arrives at the end of June and is worried about being lonely)

Am about to go to bed but fwiw:-
AP #1. I don't know why she is asking odd questions. Does she intend asking useful, sensible ones at a later date for some reason (I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt here, somewhat unsuccessfully.) I had a potential ap who asked lots of questions which each family member was supposed to answer i.e. What is your favourite colour? Which is your favourite month of the year? I chose not to have another ap. That particular girl is now having a year off, it seems, whilst she finds her direction in life. She is about 20, I think. By that age, I'd been working for two years and been to college and at 20 I had a full-time permanent job (I'm still with that employer). That's 3 aps or potential aps of ours who seem to feel that life owes them a living. The 1st one worked 20 hours a week and that was more than enough effort for the week. The 2nd one worked 25 (though nearer 20 in practice and struggled to fit those hours in with her social life.) Talk about flaky! Sorry - rant over!

AP #2. Perhaps she'd be okay once she was with you but needing to speak to a b/f every day sounds a bit needy tbh. My 2nd ap spent loads of time most evenings on skype or e-mail with family members and/or b/f and it did mean that she didn't spend much time with us in the evenings and so didn't improve her English as much as she could have done. Whilst we liked her, we didn't see much of her at all. We also had the upset from the relationship being on, then off, then on, then off etc. That was a bit of an emotional drain for her and me and presumably the b/f and her parents too.

I don't know about the w/e thing, though it sounds great in theory. Our 1st ap spent a w/e with us and was willing to eat everything, willing to play games with the kids etc etc. Once she was here officially there was a long list of dietary dislikes and she said that she didn't like board games so wouldn't play them (not that we were asking her to particularly or anything.) I don't know if that helps at all. Good luck with your search.

Hi Millarkie - thanks for the helpful reply. Glad you found a new AP - have been sporadically following your adventures with most recent one, think you have been far more patient than I would have been.

good suggestions on probing AP 1 with "what would you do" scenarios. I just don't want to end up with someone who has a very narrow idea of what kids are like or what she's willing to do - AP work is 90% cajoling reluctant children to put on school uniforms/eat breakfast/stop throwing things, at least at our house, and she just didn't really seem to be on that wavelength.

of course our new one can meet yours, but she won't be coming till late August, whoever she is! We have one now who is with us till end July - she is Spanish and very very nice, but is also studying part-time so she's often quite busy. She's eating us out of house and home though...a first for me, among au pairs. but she's really nice with the kids so that's the main thing (or so I keep telling myself :-)

Definitely wouldn't go for no.1 MizZan, too many warning bells there for me.
not enough childcare experience, questions that are about making sure things are good for her but no interest in the job, only child who is the centre of her parents world....

No.2 might be ok. Does she know what she hope to achieve from being an AP?
I always looked for AP's who either were on gap years, or needed english qualifications to further careers that sort of thing.
I think they are much more likely to put up with a bit of homesickness if they have some sort of goal in sight.

We considered an ap before stumbling upon our after school nanny arrangement.

We brought someone over on trial as we really had no idea what to expect and I was worried about it and we had quite a lot riding on it - I really needed the person to do 20 hrs unsupervised (after school care) for DD1 and potentially help with the baby. So, I felt we couldn't risk not meeting her first.

We didn't go for her in the end - nice girl, but just not enough experience, and I would have panicked if she'd gotten here and then seen how she coped (or didn't) with the girls. Blown up my whole return to work, etc.

On this particular occasion, it was worth it. But I can see how they could come over and be on their best behaviour etc as one of the posters. In which case, maybe less useful.If you can go for it, though, why not?

Don't touch no1 with a barge pole - you really don't need a Princess in your house.

My best ap experiences have been with people who have worked in jobs like waitressing - where you have to turn up on time and do a service job. They're used not to fancying themselves the most important person around, and to having to smile and be nice when they don't feel like it. I've had v.bad experiences with only children, and much the best with eldest siblings, as they actually know what small children are like and what chaos in a house is.

Questions I drop into conversations (email or telephone) whilst recruiting.

Do you have any brothers or sisters? - only children tend to be less self sufficient.

What is the longest you have lived away from home? - can you look after yourself let alone 3 kids.

How often do you cook for yourself or your friends? again can you look after yourself.

What would you like to ask us? Are you interested in the family or in the nightlife.

They both seem to fail several of these.

The boyfriend thing I would be less concerned about MSN with a webcam and a mic would seem to be a cheap solution.

Do I bring them over for a weekend? Fully intend to but last two were recruited at short notice (I too insist on 9 months minimum and it makes for a protracted process as I think you have found, stick with it they are out there) and the incoming one is Canadian so not an option. But next time . . .

Yes - always ask what they would make when they have to cook dinner for the children. Never hire anyone who's fazed by the idea that they might have to boil pasta and mix it with pesto all on their own.

We had a lovely AP who was an only child. Even the agency (back in the days when we used them) was worried about sending an only child to a family with 4 kids, but she was brilliant.

Having said that, we also suffered a Princess last year. She was the younger of 2 sisters & a Daddy's Girl. She told a couple of people she found DH scary! She went from us to a single Mum household. 3 weeks later, another lady phoned asking me for a reference for her - the 2nd family had chucked her out! I don't think a weekend with us would have alerted us to any of this. She was with us 8 weeks and some of my deductions happened after that. If you're good at making snap decisions it might be worthwhile.

It doesnt sound as if you are too happy with either of them, could you keep looking?

Would a mothers help fit the bill a little more expensive but then you get more hours a live in mothers help for 40hrs week would cost you around £150 a week and is usually a person looking for first nanny type position but may only have a little experience or limited childcare quals.

I would give the second girl the benefit of the doubt, boyfriends won't get in the way really! (I'm 19 too )

I speak to mine everyday after I finish work, I used to speak to him for an hour each night whilst he was still in the UK via our mobiles, and now he's in France (working out there for a few months) we speak for five/ten minutes every night (mobiles again as they haven't got internet where he is yet!).

I must admit that after he left for France I felt that I had a lot more freedom with my evenings and could spend time with the whole of my host family and not just the kids, but otherwise it hasn't really affected my job! He came to visit every now and now, I visited him, my two charges love him to bits, my host parents think he's alright so it works for us!

But then I'd lived away from home for 7/8 months already and me and my boyfriend only got together a few weeks before I left for my new job, so knew that if it did continue we'd be long distance!

We have had two au pairs.
No. 1 was 19 and was fantastic. She really appeared to enjoy being with us, got out and about and met other people, and mucked in with whatever was going on in the house.

We actually go on holiday with her now because the boys love her so much.

She did not know what she was going to do next. Was not that academic and didn't get into university in her country. She spent the year trying to find a direction, which I think she has found now.

We miss her.

No. 2 was also 19, but a real princess. And - crucially - she had a boyfriend at home. She never settled with us. She was miserable the entire time and - because of the boyfriend - she did not want to go out of the house to meet other people. She left after three months.

If I was going to get another au pair (currently have wonderful childminder) I would not want one with a boyfriend. So I think I would go with No. 1 or keep looking.

I think the only child thing can be misleading. You can have an AP who has 2 or 3 siblings but also a SAHM and a nanny, so they may have not had a chance to do things for themselves.