Nanny seems a bit depressed -- what are the signs and at what point...

[nannymopesalot]

would you do something about it? And what exactly would you do.

Yes, I have gone a changed my name for this. Partly because I want good sound unbiased advise but mostly to protect my nanny, whom I don't want to be too hard on.

Genreally speaking, I like her, she works hard (usually), and the kids like her.

But...

Since breaking up with her boyfriend (he did the breaking up) she has been suffering from insomnia, her attention to detail (largely but not exclusively attention to tidying up), and sort her general level of enthusiasm has dropped. I think she is probably showing some classic signs of depression. But, honestly, Im not really sure what those are.

And a tiny littl part of me is wondering at what point this behaviour becomes a risk to the welfare of my kids, whom she sometimes looks after for a three or four day stretch on her own.

Perhaps it is just a phase and not really anything to worry about. But I wondered if any employers or nannies out there could share any experience.

If you know who I am, please don't reveal my identity, mostly for the protection of my nanny's identity, not mine.

Changing my hours to accommodate the nanny is a bit backwards, don't you think? I have a nanny so I can focus on my job. So if my job has to take a back seat to the nanny sulking round the house and snapping at my kids when they don't deserve it then what's the point of having a nanny?

I do feel some sympathy for the nanny. But, at the end of the day I need her to do the job I hired her to do. End of.

My kids are not really old enough to report back to me... and they shouldn't have to. If we get to that it's time to choose my children's welfare over the nanny.

is she actually sulking around and snapping?

you didnt say that in your 1st post

just that she wasnt as idy and is less enthusiaic(sp)

yes of course if you think your children are at risk and your nanny isnt capable of looking after them, you have to say something - they are no 1

I did mention there were several points on that list that I could tick for depression. Irritability is one of them. She snaps at the children quite easily. That is a concern. She also is just generally complaining about things eh didn't used to complain about (related to her own physical health). I am trying to be sypathetic by am angry with her for not being there for the children the way I need her to be. That is what I pay her for, and I am ever so unhappy about her lack of performance. I have bent over backwards and done everything in power to make her life easier. But, enough, I have given all I have to give and I cannot accommodate any more moping around. And I cannot accommodate my kids taking abackseat to her.

I'm going to have to be firm and tell her what I expect. I hope that I can also be compationate, but she has to do her job if she wants to be paid for it.

"My kids are not really old enough to report back to me."

If they are school age, they are definitely old enough to have an opinion on the behaviour of the adults around them on a daily basis. My DD (4.6) can tell me all about her teachers, her lunchtime supervisor, her grandparents, her brothers etc and how they were on a particular day, what they did and said.

I don't understand about the 3/4 day thing. Is it just sole charge on those days or is she on her own for that period of time? If it's just sole charge for 3/4 days during a normal working day I can't see what the big deal is and wouldn't change my hours to accommodate that. If she's doing something like proxy parenting then I think maybe you might have to consider some adjustments - maybe an assistant for a couple hours???- as the job sounds very demanding. I hate to say this to you, but you don't want to be told that she's suffering from stress, the job caused it, etc. That would be a nightmare. I appreciate that the causes for her behaviour may be elsewhere but you might want to take some sort of precaution that you're not leaving yourself open to that...

but then maybe i've got the wrong end of the stick re the schedule

OP, I would say that 3/4 days sole charge, including overnight, is very hard. How often does she have to do that? If you could re-jig it so that she would only work the normal nanny hours (say, 10-11 hours per day), do you think her behaviour and performance will improve? Or is she already like this on a daily basis.

Tbh, sulking, snapping, irritability with children is a big no-no for me. Anyone who is like that with children on a normal basis (not 3/4 day mega-stretch) is not suitable to work with children and certainly not long hours sole charge.

I would be looking for a replacement on that basis alone.

My last aupair was homesick and a little depressed I think - slept a lot, tired all the time, occasionally physically unkempt, constant little fears, aches and pains, forgetful. But she still tried her very best and was always calm and soothing with the children. But she never had to look after the children for more than a few hours at a stretch. In the end, she asked to go home early. We still keep in touch.

It is not clear if the nanny works 3-4 days - in which case i agree with last two posters it seems hard work. Is she sole charge? If so how do you know about the 'sulking', irritability etc if your children cant report? Personally i think it seems like a phase - quite normal after a break up- and i would just try to be sympathetic.

She works Mon-Fri. Occassionally, do to my work commitments, she has to cover Tues and Wed overnight as well. This happens once every month or two. She is of course paid extra for this.

I hear the way she snaps at the kids before I leave in the morning, and I assume she treats them the same after I leave. That's how I know. My children are old enough to answer the questions, but they are also young enough that the story might not be entirely reliable. Sometimes they say what they think I want to hear rather than sticking to the facts.

If it really is once a month that she's doing two overnights on the trot then I think it's hard work but on the scale of a normal nanny job, if you see what I mean. So I would be less concerned about it being possible to position the job as the main cause of her stress/irritability.

Is it worse after you've been away? Or is it too soon to say?

The 3/4 days stretch once every month or two is not horrendous. A normal nanny should be able to cope.

If she is already snapping at children in the morning, it would be reasonable to assume it gets worse over the day. I totally understand about young children not being reliable witnesses. That would be the wise approach to take.

Can you mention to her about her attitude to the children and see what she says. I am quite matter-of-fact about these things: "I noticed that lately you are getting stressed in the morning and it comes out when you talk to the children ... "

a good nanny worth her salt should EASILY be able to do 2 night a month - so she is sole charge/alone tue am till thur night?

is your nanny live in?

as i said before obv your children are the most important thing and if you really have any real doubts then yes you must do something

i would when children are in bed/watching tv etc ask her if everything is ok as she seems a bit down and see what she says