VIOLENT CHILD - advice needed

[coolj]

I have a 29 mth old mindee who I have looked after since 7 mths old.

A couple of months ago (dont know if you remember my thread) he went through a stage of hitting, kicking his mum when she picked him up at the end of the day. She left my home one day in tears. I advised her how I would deal with the behaviour - restrain his arms (to stop them flying about) and get down on his level, look him in the eye and say a firm NO. On one occasion he forgot himself for a minute and smacked me on the face with a car. I restrained his arms, said the firm NO and I told his mum that is just was not acceptable behaviour. After a week or so he stopped doing this to his mum.

Yesterday I caught him smacking his mum again as she was putting his shoes on. She tried to ignore him.

Today on pick up, he was constantly punching his mum as she was holding him. I told him to stop hitting her but he just looked at me and carried on doing it (as she didnt seem bothered). I told her it wasnt right and she said 'well I dont like to make a fuss'.

Im sorry but a 2yr old hitting an adult . In my books it just not on. Not when another 2 or 3 kids are looking on.

What would you do about this. Any advice appreciated.

She may be embarassed about dealing with it in front of you and he knows her response will be different when you are there? Possibly? Try and reassure her that you will not judge any action she takes (as long as she doesn't kick him back of course). Sounds like she really needs your support to help her with this. Can you put his shoes and coat on?

Don't think you can do anything given that mum's attitude is: 'well I dont like to make a fuss'.

If it happens when mum isn't there, then you can deal with it as you would. But when mum is there, it is up to mum to deal with. You have given her advice already so all I feel you can do is to keep asking her if she wants any advice.

If your local surestart centre runs parenting classes, perhaps get some leaflets - so if she does not want your advice, she can go somewhere else for advice.

my 2.11 year old goes through phases of lashing out

usually when he is over tired and hungry

she is probably mortified - i would be

perhaps you need to discuss an appropriate joint method of disciplining

Agree with HSMM that he is playing up for her, not for you. To make it easier for mum, perhaps she can text you when she is say 5 mins from your home, so you can get his shoes on before she arrives to pickup.

She's a bit self conscious I would think. My 28month old DS was a hitter and biter for ages. He hits me and DH very very occasionally, and I find it harder to deal with when other people are around.

I feel really sad for the mum.
She probably feels embarrassed about the fact he does this and also unsure about disciplining him in front of you in case you think she does it wrong. I am sure you wouldn't but when you are unsure you can feel others will disapprove.

Carry on doing what needs to be done when he is in sole care with you and maybe leave them alone a bit while she gets him ready. Or maybe you get him ready once she has arrived, she can get his bag and stuff while you dress him.

Thanks for your replies everyone. He definately doesnt do it around me. All the children know their bounderies and thats where the problem lies. The child doesnt have any bounderies. He is also going through a stage of not letting mum brush his teeth. The child really needs to know what he can and cannot get away with but how do you approach a parent and state the obvious.

Why do normally lovely children have to do this when parent arrives? Its bad enough he runs away from her when she comes in and says he wants to stay.

The poor mum. She is a fantastic girl and absolutely dotes on her son. It is so to see.

I have tried to get him ready before mum arrives but it doesnt stop him running off back into playroom. She doesnt intervene and carry him back to front door but lets him get on with it. (Even though I butt in an say, 'come on now, I have to go and do the school run').

And because we have a 'no shoes policy' in the house, I dont often get the children ready before hand, as quite often the parents get delayed and its not fair they have to sit by front door and wait.

I wish when children are born, you are supplied with a manual .

I wish when children are born, you are supplied with a manual

My mother used to say that coolj!

I'm afraid I have no helpful advice on the violent child though. It must be awful for the poor mother, especially if she perceives that you are dealing with it more effectively.

I have a friend whose son does this to her.. he is a big 9. She ignored his doing this from a young age or tried to reason with him.. I am always amazed when the dad ignores this.
If my sons had acted like this then my ds would have given them a bloody good slap.. btw dont bother to flay me for this because both are now grown up and lovely so we did something right.
As a cm obviously you cant do this but you mustnt ignore or let mum ignore. work out a stratergy together and stick to it.
If she doesnt get a grip of him now, he will get a grip of her later.
wheres the respect him for her and her for herself.. what Is dad doing, is he witnessing abuse at home?

Hi the body. Its a sad situation. She is a lovely, single, teenage mum who was brought up in care, so never had the loving family home environment. The dad plays a role as and when it suits him. Im really proud of her the way she has coped with no family help. The child is always smartly dressed with home cooked meals and is normally a credit to her. If only she would set and stick to some bounderies

bless, it sounds like they both need some parental help here. Brought up in care, no wonder she lacks self esteem and confidence, poor lass. I dont know if she would feel this was a big infringment on her as a mum but are the some parenting classes locally to help out. I expect though that she may be wary of professional help and may be scared of authorities becoming involved. You could always point out that ALL kids act this way and need firm and fair boundaries.
The best book I ever read to help me with my kids was 'toddler taming', cant remember the author but he was an American doctor. Its brilliant, full of easy advice and assistance.
I think you are her best hope at the moment though, if i were you i would big her up and offer loads of advice, work together.. good luck and let us know how it goes.

Christopher Green wrote Toddler Taming - it is brilliant, not at all preachy, and really easy to read and dip into - maybe you could buy a copy and lend it to her - with the comments like a previous poster suggested of: it's not a reflection on you, lots of kids go through something like this, so here is a useful book to help him if you are interested.

I don't think it's a good idea for you to 'rescue' her in front of him though, that's very disempowering for her and actually not good for him to see.

I have had a similar experience when picking my DS1 up from his lovely CM. He would always play up for me run away, shout etc (having cried buckets when I left him in the morning). Having left him in tears in the morning and having spent the whole day away from him I don't really want to great him by laying straight in to the discipline, so I tend to try and ignore his bad behavior, and distract him, with various degrees of success, I was always grateful when he already had shoes and coat on. I am now on mat leave so he is no longer with CM so I'm afraid I have no advice re a cure!

Well he came today and I made sure he was tired out. We went to the beach in the morning, and played football in the afternoon, with lots of activities in between. He was really tired when mum came to pick him up. I had him/bags ready and was stood at the front door (seen her car) when she arrived. She seemed a bit taken aback that I was already at door and didnt let her in. The child put up no fight whatsoever, so might carry on like this. I made sure that the door was closed behind me so he couldnt run through into playroon.