Au pair woes

[Millarkie]

Our next au pair has just emailed to say that she can't make the start date of early July due to exams (which she previously thought would be over by July) and can't come til mid-July. Current au pair is due to leave end of June. I was expecting to have to cover 1 week maybe, but now it'll be at least 3
Next au pair is a bit of a gamble anyway because she is actually a Uni student from an EU country who is having the last year of her degree in the UK so wants to AP whilst doing her final year degree.
When she first contacted me she said her course would involve one day a week at Uni (30 min drive away) and study at home for the rest of the week, since then she has emailed to say - might be two days and then...might be 3!
At the moment I have some flexibility at work and get home in time for school run 2 days a week but we are having a shake-up at work and I may be asked to work fulltime in order to keep a job (redundancies are threatened).

So, Good points of next AP...
Has got over a year of previous AP experience and good/excellent references from 2 former host families.
Will be tied to this area for a year (although might still leave us for someone nearer the bright lights -we are in the sticks)
Has excellent english.

Worries :-
Have no idea what days/hours her Uni course will need until mid-Sept
Has been a bit flakey with start date
Is now asking a lot about how much vacation she can get and if she can go away for long weekends (her friends are planning trips)
Both my former/current APs have chatted to her by email and both raised concerns about how sociable she is and pointed out that we live in a village (is a train service to the town but then a dark walk to get to the house) and they both think (although our AP job is pretty minimal, about 15 hours a week) that she will have problems doing it and a full-time course.

So, Choices.
Keep going with this AP and find a temp AP for July only.
Keep going with this AP and put kids into after school club for July (problem with that is that my dd has a medical problem which I think they would not be happy about and there are no boys of ds's age in the club at the moment)
Look for other childcarer-type for July.
Umm....have a surprise baby and persuade dh that we need a proper live-in nanny from July (drawback with that one is that although I am pretty circular, I am also pretty sure that I'm not 6 months pregnant).

Oh I don't know - just want to get my thoughts together before I email her back!!

I respect her wish to study (I do after all!) but if she is hired by you to do a job then she can't agree to it and then change her mind as to when she's willing to work. You may be better off finding somebody else if she can't sort out her commitment. Maybe she was just after cheap accomodation?

No get a new au pair, you still have plenty of time to find one, its just not worth the compromise, they are here to help you and yes of course you accommodate where you can but I would be v suspicious of one whose testing the boundries before she's even arrived.

I'm sure you know my thoughts Millarke.... Any doubts don't do it... If you have to bend over backwards to accomodate her, she is not the AP for you.
Sorry

Hi Pixinanny - she did mention in one of her emails (we have been in contact by email since Jan 1st!) that she couldn't afford to rent somewhere whilst she was studying (hence wanting to AP) but she was finding it difficult to find a host family who were ok with her Uni commitments - Dh and I thought it could work out ok but that was when she said 1 day per week.
Think I might talk it over with current AP tomorrow, but I already get the feeling that she thinks next AP is taking us for a ride .
Think I might need to make a list of 'non-negotiables' and then base my next email on those, so we have a basis of the minimal commitment required.

Thanks too to Jules and Daffo - she has totally great reference from her former au pair jobs which has swayed me a lot I admit...but if I am going to let her down I need to do it whilst she has a good chance of finding another local family. Wouldn't want her jepodising (how on earth do you spell that!) her degree.

Millarkie - her problem. If you are a nice family and have been candid about the role, what it entails and what her hours will be and she now changes the ground rules that is NOT your problem but HERS. You only have an AP (I am guessing) because you need the child care help not because you wish to house skint students !!. Its a job and and like it or not you are an employer. Would your boss be so tolerate of you or new un tried, un-tested employee trying to change the hours/requirement before they even started?????

sorry can't spell

Absolutely Jules.... not your problem M.

Oh you are good, you guys - keeping me on track! Thanks.

My reason for hosting an au pair is primarily so dd can be in her own home after school (3 days a week at present) and as someone to keep the dog company during the day. We have other options but so far the APs have worked out ok.-
Have had a quick look at AP-world - not an awful lot of potentials (we are not in London and like to have a car driver so prefer them over 20yrs).

Ok, am going to sleep on it (or try to) and get tough tomorrow

Firstly they should be applying to you not you to them. So a few tips (which I am happy for you to ignore). One of my AP told me bedroom is a BIG priority so if you have a nice AP bedroom, take a picture of yourself, with current AP (looking smiley) in the bedroom as u lead caption photo. secondly if its in the country, highlighting all the good bits EG, quiet, picturesque plus we give you a car to drive (take photo). I understand if its not in london its harder but where is your nearest town and what could you do to compensate, could you buy them a scooter as you mentioned its a dark walk at night, do you offer them unlimited broadband laptop in room. Am not trying to teach granny to suck eggs so apologies but if you highlight some of the competative extras u provide that may help. Not all AP's want to live in london but most do want a nice room,nice friendly family, broadband, sky tv, laptop etc.

Thanks Jules - I have reactivated my aupair-world profile looking for end of June - August cover for now - and am going to have a look at various options to see if I can cope with APs delayed start..and then I will send an email to tell her that I need her to be available for

1. cover either side of holiday clubs etc in the summer hols and
2. at least 3 after-schools a week from when Uni term starts (and preferably 4), and if she doesn't think that she can provide that I will look for a July onwards au pair.

I think (since in theory au pairs don't exist anymore ) I will offer her holidays as if she were a nanny ie. 28 days a year including bank holidays with 2 weeks chosen by us, and others to be chosen by her but with enough notice that we can find cover. At least then we know that she won't be able to ask for every other friday off so she can go on trips with uni pals.
(We have a much more informal arrangement with current and previous au pairs where they ask for the occasional time off and we say yes - but then I trust them to be reliable and not take advantage).

Am laughing at the idea of a photo of me (hideous) in au pair's room or the au pair car (fiat multipla!!) as being attractive .
I generally go for the overpay/underwork (no ironing, which according to current AP is a big draw) strategy with the temptations of rail link to major cities, and look for APs who grew up in the countryside.

Millarkie - I think I had contact with the AP you are talking about back in the autumn and felt I was being strung along so rejected her. Is she at APU? Didn't know if she was going to be in Cambridge or Colchester, didn't know if it was one day a week or three. Stuck with is for a while because she did have great references but then said no.

Chelmsford not Colchester, too many places round here starting with C.

Sorry to hear about your predicament. I'd thought I'd add my opinion here as I have been in a similar situation to you but from the other side - I was the AP.
I worked for a family for a year as a live out mothers help whilst I was doing the third year of my 4 year degree. Upon completion of my third year I moved in with the family and took an AP type of role - 25hours etc.
Last week I quit my job there, with 2 more months of my course to go. The hours had become far too much and living in the family home was a major distraction from my university work. I understand that there are probably many people who could handle the level of work and balance the two competing roles of final year student and outside work - but it is very difficult.
Another problem I encountered was the unpredictability of the hours. The first term began in September and we were told the day before what the hours would be for that coming term. Classes at my university run from 9am to 6pm, so I could have easily had all my classes from 3-5, therefore being of no use to my boss. The exact same thing occurs again in the second term.

I think you need to talk more to your potential AP. Ultimately her degree will be far more important to her than your family commitments and from my personal experience I'm not sure if that situation works.

Sorry for the rambling - still feeling a bit confused after leaving my AP family last week.

I think you need to find another AP to be honest. Sorry and all that. I had a bad experience recently with an AP where I ignored a couple of red flags and hoped it would turn out okay. It didn't and it was majorly disruptive.

Oh Muffin - you poor thing! Hope you've found a good place to live!
DIOM - yes she probably contacted you, she's at ARU and contacted me about Christmas time (when current au pair told me she was unable to stay til end of July and the nanny I'd lined up for the summer realised that she would prefer to stay in her Uni town). She has gone from 1 day at Uni to possibly 3 over a few months worth of emails.
Thanks to Quattro too.
Our situation at the time (I'm back from work by 3 twice a week and we thought we could put the kids into after-school club if necessary) and we don't really need childcare before school, meant that we thought that 1 day a week would be managable for the benefit of having an AP with such a lot of experience and willing to stay for a year...however, now I may have less flexibility with work and dd has medical problems which we are pretty sure would mean that she would not be accepted at after-school club (or holiday clubs )
On the 'coping with AP work and Uni' front, as previously mentioned our AP job is pretty minimal (involves being in the house to let kids in from school bus at about 3.45 3 times a week and watching them to 5.30, walking the dog, and doing some cleaning (which I pay 'cleaner's rate' for so can easily outsource to a 'proper' cleaner if required). We also have another spare room so had decided that if it didn't work out we could get another au pair and at least offer this one accomodation whilst she looks for something more suitable.
We were thinking that the worst that would happen is that we would have her from July to mid-Sept and then have to deal with any problems caused by Uni then...but if she's not going to be able to turn up until August then that's potentially only a few weeks before the hassle kicks in.
(Dd's problems mean that it will be even harder finding an AP who will be happy to deal with her I guess so we do need to consider this seriously as the alternative is a live-in nanny for the sake of about 5 hours childcare a week).

does anyone at your childs school use a nanny, after school?

maybe you could do a nanny share ?

seems mad to have someone living in your home,for the sake of a few hours actual "childcare" as week ?!

Rachie - No, I live in a place where none of the mums work (or if they do then they don't work outside of school hours!) so we know no one with nannies (we used to nannyshare before we moved out of London).
I know it seems a bit mad for 5 hours odd childcare - other benefits are that we don't need a dog walker anymore and the au pair does about 4 hours a week light cleaning (so we don't need a cleaner any more).
We used an after-school club last year but I was perpetually stressed about how late my train would be (I commute an hour and a half each way) and whether I'd be back in time to pick up kids. The AP means I don't have to worry so much. Oh and occasionally dh works abroad for a few days so the AP covers breakfast time/before school then..we used to have dh's mum stay or I would take time off work to cover this.
Also we don't tend to get stressed about people living-in. We are very used to sharing our house, we have plenty of space, and in some ways the nannies were more stressful because we had to make sure everything was clean and ready for them each morning - whereas au pair is more part-of-the-family.

You see, I should just have another baby and make a live-in nanny a financially prudent choice

Millarkie - found this thread while searching for something and got hooked reading it LOL.... how are things a week on? What have you decided to do?

and really, suggesting you have a child just to make having a live in nanny a financially prudent choice.... ???

Hope for twins, then you'll be 'saving' money

Ay?! Renting somewhere when you're a student is cheap as chips if you have a job to go with it?! I did see a mention of Cambridge/Colchester/Chelmsford, so I'm assuming she's at either Essex uni, which is an absolute rubbish uni for childcare, I dropped out there, lived at home but a lot of people I went to school with went local for uni so they could live onsite but visit home too, and it's around £75+ per week there I believe? Not expensive!

Or the Uni of East Anglia (is that what they call it? I forget ) which is quite cheap in accomodation too, as does Anglia Ruskin which my friend looked into after experiencing our uni course! So using that as an excuse to be an AP is ridiculous in my opinion, I get the feeling that she's just trying to get by without having to take any responsibility.

Don't feel bad about her finding another family though, she can pay for uni accom and get a job on the side like everybody else does!

How did it go though? The job you're offering sounds similar to the role I'm in, and after doing half term with the kids, I'll never take my free days for granted again! But it sounds like a nice little job you have going there!

Sorry, just saw mention of Ruskin blush

Does she know which campus she's at yet?! If she doesn't, she could well end up in the wrong place to start with.

I hope she has uni accom saved for her just in case!

£75 a week for student accomodation doesn't sound cheap to me! I was paying that for a room in a shared flat in London.

Chipping! - Dh is hoping for triplets just to get the most for the money

In the meantime...I have been very honest with 'student AP' and said that there are problems with the delayed start and asked for more clarification on the days/hours required by Uni. (Which she is certain is Cam campus of AR). She now says it will be 2 mornings a week so she will be back for after-school but we have doubts that she will get there on time if she leaves after the school bus has picked up the kids.
I have reactivated my APworld profile initially looking for someone who could do the summer but have opened it up for an AP who can stay as long as possible. Have had almost 100 applications from short-term APs (although most fail the 'read the advert' test so are non-drivers who want to live in a city ) and 1 great one from an AP currently in the UK who wants to see a different part of the UK so am waiting for references from her at the moment (and she is emailing my current AP to check out our hosting abilities )
Student AP is hanging on because if I find a great AP for the summer I may still take the chance in Sept, but with a back-up plan in case it goes pear-shaped because of her uni commitments..but if I can find a good long term AP then I will have to turn down Student AP (will know by the end of the week so I am hoping that she will have time to organise accommodation near Uni and get a part-time job, or another AP post).
But we are going on holiday tomorrow and am trying to tidy up because current APs mum and sister are staying here whilst we are away!!