How to smooth a clingy childs entry into childcare....could I ask for some advice and words of wisdom please?

[OlderNotWiser]

Hi, Im a parent, please excuse me crashing the CM board but thought you folks are in the best position to advise really. My problem is that I have a very clingy 16 month boy who I would like to introduce to childcare. He will go to dad so could be worse, but that is it - he wont be picked up by anyone else, or left with anyone else for more than about 30 mins without becoming fairly hysterical. I have tried leaving him for short periods in a local creche that my older boy loves but end up being called back because he gets in such a state. So, my question is, do I just have to wait this out (I assume he wont be like this at 18...) or is there a process for getting clingy ones used to childcare? And would I be better going for a nursery environment or childminder? Im sure many of you will have worked with clingy children and would be very interested to hear about your experiences. TIA.

I have worked with a clingy baby several years ago.

It was a long road but we got there in the end and I am now officially one of her favourite people

It was weeks of gently coaxing, of trying different things to make her feel secure (for example filling a travel cot with cushions and soft toys to help her feel cocooned and secure) and making sure that she had somewhere to go where she could be quiet. I couldn't get the poor girl to take a single bottle in the first few weeks of her coming to me......

I have to be honest with you - it was really horrendous BUT I had the support of mum, who left her with me and walked straight down the drive - (it really doesn't help if parent starts to falter and say "oh no whats wrong, don't you like it" etc etc) who trusted me to take good care of her daughter - which in turn gave me the confidence to try different things to help her and so on.

Personally I would suggest a CM would have more time for a clingy baby than a nursery BUT I would say do your research and interview potential CMs very carefully. And see if she'll let you shadow her for a couple hours with baby in tow - the more time baby can spend with the CM with you there also the more it'll help.

The same goes for a nursey - some nurseries would do a fab job settling a clingy baby - others would have trouble (sounds liek the creche isn't the right place....)

Good luck - HTH

Thanks for your detailed reply nomore. I can manage the walking away bit, but not the knowing he is miserable IYKWIM. Also, should have mentioned that it would only be for one or two days a week...am I right to think it would probably take even longer for him to settle in that case...?

I would go down the childminder route and try to meet with her quite a few times where you stay for the whole time with her (maybe for an hour the first couple of times and then for 2 hours 2 or 3 times) and then go for quite a few settling in sessions (where you drop and go and leave her for 2 - 3 hours)

You probably need to meet with quite a few childminders until you are sure that you have 'chosen' the right one and one that you feel would be able to have the time and the patience for this - so probably one that doesn't have too many children or too many school/nursery drop offs.

Of course it also may work out much simpler than all this. My ds (11months at the time) was clingy and would even cry when left with his Dad while I went to the loo. When I went to work and left him with a childminder I'd never even left him for long enough to know what sort of state he would get in. The first week at the childminder he cried for up to an hour, the second week he cried as I left but had stopped by the time I'd driven out of her driveway and the 3rd week he didn't cry but would not look at me or acknowledge me to say good-bye (I don't believe in creeping off - always better to say good-bye, Mummy will be back soon) and the 4th week he would wave bye bye to me.

Good luck

I've recently started childminding a 2 year old boy who is very clingy to mum.
I only have him on a friday, but I don't think that this had made things harder.
Week one he tantrumed when mum left for about 40 mins.
Week two (day 2) it was 20 mins.
Week three it was 5 mins!
Week four he started shouting as mum left, but stopped even before I heard the front door slam!
Week five (day 5) is tomorrow!
I have to admit the first two times were quite stressful, but I have been amazed how each time its become less and less and then he's been fine for the rest of the day.
She had previously tried to settle him in to a nursery, but after being repeatedly called back she gave up.
Good luck - but honestly its usually all for mummys benifit.
HTH

Obviously all the childminders above are the committed sort that I wish I had found but I have also had a very clingy baby and my childminder could not cope. After 5 weeks and twice giving me notice it eventually ended and I put my 9 mth DD in a nursery.

I don't blame the minder as I do not underestimate how stressful it can be to have a child who will not settle.

The nursery was fantastic, working hard over a period of months to settle her but also I had the peace of mind knowing that if it got too much for her dedicated carer she could safely hand over for a few minutes and take a break.

If you choose a childminder you must satisfy yourself that they have the resources to cope both by practical experience (i.e. all the great tips shared above) and the personal resilience to cope with the stress.

My minder tried to keep all her regular outings going when I feel that my DD would have benefited from being allowed to settle indoors and become familiar with one new setting and a new carer before being taken out and about. I think the advice above to cosider their other comittments is also good advice.

Don't give up, you will get there in the end and be glad that you did. Wishing you all the best.

lintfree has a point - as I mentioned in my post - be very careful which CM you choose as yes it is exhausting and very difficult to settle a clingy child and she will need to be able to build a bond with your child very quickly to make her job easier.....

I do not distrust nurseries at all - my own children would go to one if I were an outside the home worker - but just use the same caution - will they have the resilience and patience (not to mention staff ratios) to cope with the time and energy your child may well need.

It may help your child to know that she still has time with you - so the hours thing shouldn't impact too much on settling in time - 2 sessions is really a minimum I would suggest though and so do many playschools and nurseries.....

Thanks everyone, it sounds like it may be do-able then! Its difficult to know for sure how much this is my problem rather than his anyway, perhaps with a committed carer it wouldn't be half as painful as I fear it would. And if I dont try I will never know...so I will look into it, and as suggested, will take my time finding the right person or place. Fingers crossed...

Great to have had advice from both sides of the fence too incidentally!