16 month old smacking smacking smacking!!!

[Numberfour]

Help. I am having trouble with a mindee of 16 months who smacks others and anything a lot. This could be with an empty hand or with whatever she is holding. She has smacked my other 20 month old mindee at least 4 times today. And those are the times that I was unable to prevent contact for one reason or another.

She always gets told a firm NO and I hold her hands down. She usually just wallops me as soon as her hands are free.

I understand that this is just a phase that she is going through but I wonder how best I can manage it.

I think it is pertinent that she does get smacked at home for being "naughty". I need to say something to the parents but what and how?????

I would probably do some observations and see if it's triggered by anything: tiredness, bored, upset, hungry.

I would try to ignore the hitting unless a child was within aim - who I would move away. I would encourage her to stroke/kiss others - praise her when she's playing nicely.

I would speak to the parents and see if they had noticed this too and if there was something new in her life ie an upheavel in anyway - she may be playing up for the attention. Ask them how they deal with the behaviour and then how they want you to deal with the behaviour - so you have continuity between the 3 of you.

Then I would try and put an action plan together - will you remove her from the situation, make her sit on the stair for a minute, take the toy away if it's over a toy etc, stickers for behaving well etc.

Thanks, Twims! She had a short nap in the pram when we went for a walk and there was no smacking for a while after that. I think you've hit the nail on the head with something triggering it.

As for upheaval - the family recently moved house!

You are a genius......

The rest of what you said makes perfect sense so thanks a million!

I have an 18 month old mindee who hits. With her it seems to be a defensive thing. She hits out if she feels threatened. By that i mean she thinks I or another child is going to take something away from her or make her do something she doesn't want to do like wash her hands or put her shoes on etc.

I have chatted to mum and this child does it at home too so we have decided on the same consequences for continuity and hopefully we shall start to see some improvement soon.

It's a common phase isn't it, but certainly a trying one!

good god!!

had a quick word with dad at pick up. he says the funny thing is if he slaps mindee, she slaps mum and if mum slaps mindee she slaps dad.

i will call mum tonight.

Damn.

I was hoping to be enlightened. Our DD is just like this - has been like this since she could walk (she is 2.3now) - exactly the same no matter what we do. Only thing is: we never smack, and we are very consistent with her and she has had no upheavals, so we have no idea how to stop it - she does it whenever she encounters something she doesn't like (sometimes we cannot work out what it is - eg she will have crept into our bed at night, we will all be sleeping in peace and I will be woken up by her wacking a milk bottle in my eye...) our DS is 5 and never acted like this. She is just like the baby at the end of 'the incredibles' and 5 seconds later she is sweetness and light. We hold her arms down and tell her no firmly and she just waits for us to let go before walloping us again.

oh well, maybe I should post on the behaviour board and see if someone can suggest something else....

And they find it acceptable that one they hit her and that 2 she hits back - doesn't that prove to them that hitting doesn't work.

I would say something to the parents like

"For whatever reason, [child] seems to be modelling smacking behaviour she's seeing elsewhere. This is unfortunately means that [other child] is being hit, which isn't acceptable. Perhaps she finds it confusing that it's ok to hit/be hit at home, whereas outside the home she's being told (by me) that it's not ok?"

And then hope that the penny drops.

I'm appalled that anyone would smack a 16 month old (or any child). Also, if I was the mother of the other child (who keeps getting hit) I would be looking for alternative childcare.

I think you have to accept that if you use any kind of group childcare, your child will occasionally be hit, pushed or bitten by another child. The mother of the other child could keep finding alternative childcare and not solve that issue.

That is the predicament I find myself in, having to tell the other mum that her child is being hit - yesterday it was 4 times! and as I said above those were the times I could not prevent it.

I did not phone the mum last night. I was at a loss as to what to say considering the fact that both dad and mum slap her for things like throwing the remote control.

mhmummy, thanks for the advice on how to word what I need to say.

Squiffy, I hope that you can find some answers. A friend of mine many years ago was woken up by her then 2 year old who picked up a solid glass ashtray and whacked her on her mouth, loosening her two front teeth while she was sleeping. (she does not smoke anymore!!)

Wish me luck for today.....

Willow - I know that's true; at my own childminder my two have definitely been on the wrong end of a few hits and slaps and probably the odd bite... and in the past (although rarely over the last four years since we've been going there) if the child continues to do it despite the minder's best efforts (which are same as those recommended in the previous posts) then she tells the parent that she can't look after the child until the behaviour stops. But I realise it's not that easy for numberfour because my minder looks after lots of kids with a few different carers so that doesn't have the same impact.

What happened when you spoke to her, Numberfour?

Hi, mhmummy

Mindee's mums says that the LO does not learn the smacking at home (despite what dad told me the day before regarding her being slapped by mum and dad) and that she thinks it may be learned from my setting or from toddlers. I suggested that we ignore the behaviour completely unless some one is about to be harmed, and she said that she would prefer the matter to be dealt with head on and LO be told no. I did not have the gumption to point out to her that her child may well be learning the smacking from home. So I left it at that.

I suggested LO needed pain relief because of her teething, and mum said she seems to be coping well enough without it.

I feel that I will have to deal with the situation as best I can on my own - ie without parental assistance. We have different approaches and i do not believe that in my setting constantly telling LO no no no no no for hitting is the ideal thing. I think that ignoring her unacceptable behaviour to the point of actually turning my back on her when she behaves that way may be the way forward. For the rest of the time I will be full of praise for "good behaviour". And clearly I cannot give the child pain medication if mum says no, but I am at a loss as to why they would let her be in pain when it is not necessary.

LO was lots better today probably because she had a 15 min nap in the car on the way to toddlers and probably because we were out of the house.

I do not feel that I can tell the parents that I will not have the child until the behaviour passes. But I will have to battle through it as best I see fit!

Thanks for all the replies.

Thanks for the update and good luck! Hope it gets better - your strategy sounds really good and at least while the LO is with you she's not getting smacked by her parents! :-(