Ex-childminder badmouthing me to a child in her care...what to do, if anything?

[Clockface]

I'll try to keep this short...

Two years ago we used a childminder who lives in our street and has a son the same age as my ds, in the same class at school. It turned out to be very hard as there were "issues" to do with her childcare methods and after a term we moved ds to another childminder who was fabulous. I posted a lot about this on MN at the time as I really didn't want to upset cm no.1 as she is a neighbour. I worded the letter I wrote her really carefully so as not to say anything bad about her at all, tothank her for her input in ds's life and to gently make it clear that we wanted to end the contract. I could have reeled off a long list of everything I hadn't been happy with, but I deliberately decided not to, but to be as nice as possible.

So, bearing in mind that this lady lives in my street, she didn't even look at me when we passed in the street for over a year after I moved ds from her care. She has slowly started to answer when I say hello, but certainly hasn't been friendly. All of which I can live with.

But the other day I heard that she has been bad-mouthing our family to a 6 y o girl she is childminding, who is in dd's class at school. The girl was upset by it as she has come round for dinner and to dd's parties and she knows us reasonably well.

So...is it just me, or is this completely unprofessional? And what do I do - this is a child in dd's class. It makes me wonder if she has said anything to anyone else. The potential damage to our dc's friendships is huge. The cm is quite an influential person locally and involved in lots of things, esp. with young children.

I am a v. peaceloving type and without wishing to sound too boastful, we ar good neighbours! We get on really well with everyone else, when it was snowing heavily the other week dh cleared the whole road, we help others in the street with DIY jobs etc, we look after our house, no burnt-out cars in the garden etc, we always chat to neighbours and stay out of any disputes...we couldn't be nicer neighbours! I know logically that the cm is just bitter about us "sacking" her, but this has really bothered and hurt me, esp. for the dc's sakes. Her ds is in my ds's class at school, so presumably she's spoken badly of us to him as well...

Is there anything I can / should do?

Don't think there is really. The fact that she was your cm is irrelevant really though isn't it? She could have been any neighbour who has taken the hump and is badmouthing you.

I think that you just have to take some solace in the fact that people who badmouth usually reflect more about themselves than the person they are badmouthing.

Ring Ofsted..Say a mindee has come to you upset you would like them to observe the situation..? Worth ago?

Thanks for your responses.

Nice thought Supernanny but I don't think so. From what I gather it was an off-the-cuff remark that she made to the young girl, not any pre-planned speech about how awful we are! It does make me wonder how she talks about us to other dc though, and about other people for that matter.

You're right LadyMuck, it could have been any neighbour, except that the woman's problems with me started when we moved ds. So it is obviously a response to that, and she is obviously bitter / hurt / angry.

Have a word with the mother of the other child? Explain the situation to her re the childminder, maybe ask her if she has concerns about her methods as well. I know you wanted to be kind to the childminder, but it hasn't really worked, has it?

Have a word with CM1 about it. I mean what have you got to lose, she already has the hump.

If you have a word, it may embarrass her into keeping her mouth shut.

Bad mouthing anyone to a child IMO is bad form. However, I can see this from another POV. I had a similar sitution to yours (ie I minded 2 children from the same family for a term and then was given notice). The parents of the children were incredibly demanding and treated me very badly (it was a relief when they left). Naturally when I went to school, toddler group etc people asked where the mindees were I explained the situation which could be classed as bad- mouthing but I felt that I needed to as the parents could have been saying anything about me which could have a knock on effect with my DC, business, personal reputation etc. I do not speak to the parents as I feel that they owe me an apology for their behaviour and until that is forth coming I do not want to communicate with them. They have also tried to say hello to me and live on my street! Unless you have changed big bits of this tale it is not me BTW.

Wasachildminder, I haven't changed any details! I can understand your needing to explain where the mindees were wen people asked. I am a bit intrigued though as to why you feel it's necessary to cut the parets dead in the street. Is it a pre-emptive thing - do you feel that by ignoring them you are stopping them from potentially damaging your business / reputation? I don't really understand that tbh. Surely moving on would be better for all concerned?

The cm in question here didn't "exaplin" anything to anyone, it was just one snipy snidey comment to the 6 y o as they walked past our house. At least I don't know that there has been any exaplinng to any adults, but my ds was moved from her care over 2 ys ago and I'd have thought that she'd have got over it by now. Am I just being completely naive here? Is moving cm a real big social kick in the pants?

We were never demanding at all - tbh quite the opposite. I never questioned any of the eyebrow-raising thibgs she did with my ds, we were always polite and friendly. It was when I sat down and thought about all the eyebrow-raising stuff she'd done that I realised it amounted to just too much - we were doing all the compromising and she really wasn't looking after ds to the standard that we wanted. She wasn't negligent, just not very good. That was at the heart of it, and I never said that to her or anyone outside of my immediate family. So my conscience is clear, and if I could go back in time the only thing I'd do differently would be not to employ her in the first place.

hmm tricky one - I too can see both sides of this.

I thionk its one to just chalk up to experience. People do have off days and I think to make a massive deal of it could back fire on you. You did sack her and you can't blame her for ignoring you in the street - I wouldn't want to be your best friend either in her shoes!! HOWEVER I agree as adults we have a responsibility to watch our mouths in front of children and as childcare professionals we have even more responsibility to watch our m,ouths!!!!!!

YQR to be annoyed abotu it and a well phrased response to the littl egirl in question will help smooth things there - but best leave the confrontation with the CM alone.....

Did you hear it said yourself (or another adult) or just via the child. I'm not sure I'd take a 6yr old's interpretation , no matter how sincere, as the absolute truth. Brush it off and move on .

Hi Cf
We had a similar situation with our first CM so I really feel for you. She said some truly horrible things to her other parents about us. DH lost a few friends over this and it was all vey upsetting at the time.
We were able to cut all ties as we live a bit further away and it was all a few years ago now.

However word on the grapevine is now that there have since been a number of similar instances involving her and other parents, and in the long run this has done very little harm to us but alot of harm to her and her business. She is fast gaining a reputation for being highly unprofessional. I guess what I'm trying to say (in a very roundabout way) is that people will not judge you harshly on the basis of the say so of one person, but if she is consistently behaving like this then it will do her no good. People don't get a reputation on the basis of what one person says. I would let it lie for a while and see if it all blows over. With our CM I tried "setting the record" straight and it just made things worse.

Clockface

I ignore the parents because they treated me very badly and would do the same to anyone who was so horrible unless they apologised! It may be better to acknowledge them because that way they may not bad mouth me but TBH I would'nt waste my breath.

"Is moving cm a real big social kick in the pants?"

I was glad when they left, it is obviously a different situation to yours. The parents were horrible. It was over 2 years ago that this happened and I still dislike them alot. I think it is difficult to 'get over' a situation were you were used and abused when you did your best for a family.

Clockface, horrible situation for you, I would ignore it this time but if it happens again then have a quiet word with her and just say you will see a solicitor with a view to suing for slander. We had a similar situation with former neigbours of ours who were objecting to extension plans, worked a treat.. good luck

Clockface, horrible situation for you, I would ignore it this time but if it happens again then have a quiet word with her and just say you will see a solicitor with a view to suing for slander. We had a similar situation with former neigbours of ours who were objecting to extension plans, worked a treat.. good luck