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Paid childcare

Discuss everything related to paid childcare here, including childminders, nannies, nurseries and au pairs.

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Original poster

au pair doesn't want us to talk to her current family - what to do

28 replies

MizZan · 15/02/2009 19:09

We have just met a very nice au pair who is looking to switch families at the end of next month. She has been with her current family (in a town near ours) since September. The mom has been ill (but is recovering) and the kids sound like they've been quite challenging, and I think it just sounds like it's all gotten to be too much for her, along with the fact that she'd prefer to be based in our town because of having friends here.

Here's the catch - the family do not know yet that she wants to leave, and she doesn't want me to call them to check references, or not right away anyway, as she is afraid they will be upset with her and she's uncomfortable telling them she's leaving and then asking for a reference in the same breath. She has provided other references (from her home country, but not at all childcare related) and is studying English at a school near us so I suppose I could ring them and just confirm that she is a regular attendee there etc.

Am I being stupid here? For our current au pair, she had no previous AP experience so we only checked references with past teachers etc. - and it's worked out absolutely fine. And it's not like this girl is leaving the family abruptly in the lurch, which would definitely give me pause.

anyone been there/done that? suggestions?

OP posts:

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Littlefish · 15/02/2009 19:17

Don't move forward with her until you've spoken to her current family.

It doesn't matter what the previous referrees say, I would be interested in what the current family have to say. Her reasons for wanting to leave them may or may not be true. You need to know what her work has been like in this country, away from her family and friends.

Josie3 · 15/02/2009 19:17

I'm a nanny currently - and have asked the same of prospective employers too. I would just make it clear to her that you will want to speak to them once she has handed in her notice. I don't think it's anything to worry about. I suspect that in the current job market she just doesn't want to hand in her notice without securing a job first.

Millarkie · 15/02/2009 19:23

Oooh, is she mine???

Please take her

Oovavu · 15/02/2009 19:26

I'd make it clear that the job with you ultimately depends on a good ref from this family then it's up to her if she wants to hand her notice in with the slight uncertainty of the job with you not working out. If she's confident of a good ref I wouldn't have thought it would worry her for you to suggest this.

Millarkie · 15/02/2009 19:28

Have you interviewed her face to face? How long has she been with current family?
It's a hard call, for a nanny I would always resort to previous references and wouldn't dream of contacting their current employer before the nanny had resigned..but for an AP, where they may have worked before but it's the whole 'living with a family' side of things too...I would feel so much better if I could check out that side of things with current family...but that's probably because our current situation is a bit taxing to say the least.

If she's not mine - could you take mine anyway? Please? She's very ummmm....ornamental!

Millarkie · 15/02/2009 19:31

Yup, that's a good idea - you could offer her the position dependent on a good reference (also means she isn't likely to turn into a nightmare for current family until she leaves).
I would worry tbh, since if she is actively looking for another family but obviously not spoken to current family it means that she isn't a great communicator (and you need APs to be able to communicate about awkward things).

AtheneNoctua · 15/02/2009 19:41

Offer her the job in writing, pending good references. To be honest, I wouldn't hand in my resignation until I had a firm offer / signed contract. I don't blame her for wanting the offer first. What if these people kick her out and then you decidee to hire someone else?

Original poster

MizZan · 15/02/2009 20:00

thank you for all the advice everyone. No, Millarkie, definitely not yours - didn't realise you were still having issues with her, sorry to hear it.

I am a little concerned about it but having met her face-to-face (and she is going to come in a for a few trial hours later this week just to see how that goes and be "vetted" by our current AP, though current one is probably too nice to say anything negative about her unless something is drastically wrong), I have to say I feel this is probably less of a risk than taking on someone sight unseen who we've just met over the Internet and phone. Maybe I'm wrong there though. I think perhaps if all goes well I will do as some here suggest and get her to confirm to me when she was planning to give notice and that at that point it would be ok for me to speak with the family. TBH I can understand her viewpoint, it is awkward for her if the family think she doesn't want to be there. But then, if she can do this to them, she could do it to us too. Hopefully if we all get to know each other a little better it will be less of a risk.

OP posts:

AtheneNoctua · 15/02/2009 20:05

When my current nanny gave notice to her family (she was an au pair for them and they treated her like a slave), they kicked her out three days later. So, I invited to come to my house and hang out for a few weeks until my then current nanny had finished her time with us. Another mumsnetter who I know both on and off of these bords a couple of weeks later offered an au pair job to some. Same thing happened. Next day, existing family kicked her out.

So, if I were an au pair, you bet I would keep schtum until I had a job secured... in writing.

Millarkie · 15/02/2009 20:14

You are right - it's certainly no worse than offering to host someone who you haven't even met, and has the added benefits of her already knowing the area, registered at College etc, so she's committed to staying local.
that she's not mine though..lots of issues going on in this household (eating problems, childcare issues, not doing half of her jobs issues, and not least...being judgey issues ). If you know anyone local looking for an ornamental AP please let me know

Nighbynight · 15/02/2009 20:39

agree, you can't possibly talk to her current family until after you've offered her a job.

sorry you are having problems, millarkie. tbh, the au pair situation (or lack of it) in teh uk, is one reason why I want to stay in germany. My ap (Zimbabwe) is completely reliable, and is committed to studying, rather than a gap year princess. We depend on her contribution to teh household.

Millarkie · 15/02/2009 21:45

Nighbynigh - don't let me put you off the UK Our first AP was fantastic.

QuintessentialShadows · 15/02/2009 22:06

A friend of mine had a similar issue. Though, she used an agency, and the agency said my friend could not get to speak to current family as they were so "high up in the music industry they needed to protect their privacy". She took the au pair on, having been impressed with her face to face. She soon regretted this, as the girl did not perform her duties, did not cook her son his tea after school, drank my friends alcohol during working hours, and literally used under her own bed as a rubbish bin. My friend had enough when she found the girl in her room going through her purse.

At the end of the day, you are considering taking a new girl into your home. What do you know about her?

She wants to leave her current family and is looking for work behind their backs.
She has issues, as her employer has been ill, the kids are challenging, and instead of trying to iron out these problems, she is looking to move on. Fair enough.

But what if, she knows she wont get a good reference? What if she has already been given notice?

Millarkie · 15/02/2009 22:15

It would be unlikely that a family would give an au pair over a months notice wouldn't it? (if they were not good at being an AP rather than because family didn't need an AP anymore).

tankie · 15/02/2009 22:16

Au pairs are in such a vulnerable position, as Athene says, they often have no contract and can be kicked out on a whim by a malicious host family once they hand in their notice - this happened to both me and a friend of mine when we were au pairs.

I think her request is reasonable - offer her the job, dependent on a satisfactory reference, and don't take it up til after she quits. Or could you suggest a month's trial period or something?

Nighbynight · 15/02/2009 23:00

Quint - I have had several changers, they've been very good. It doesnt necessarily mean a bad aupair.

millarkie - Ive already been through the uk au pair nightmare. Nobody wants to come to a family with 4 children who lives in a crap part of town.

jura · 16/02/2009 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jura · 16/02/2009 00:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Millarkie · 16/02/2009 06:18

But asking about their views on spaceship design is so important! Oh No!
I have a new recruitment question - no longer will I use - What types of things do you like to eat? I will substitute it with - Will you use your time away from family and friends to go on an impossibly strict diet thus being a bad example to my children and making grocery shopping a nightmare and not having enough energy to complete your jobs (but still have enough to go to the gym each day)?

AtheneNoctua · 16/02/2009 10:26

Fab news, Jura, on the new au pair.

I can't believe you didn't ask her if she puts loos in the spaceship plans. You are slacking off in your old age.

Quint, everyone looks for a new job behind current employer's back. That is how it's done because no one with half a brain would announce they want to leave until they have a place to go.

And how do you know she hasn't tried to iron out the problems?

Also, this candidate has references from previous jobs which I assume have come back good.

Come to think of it, I never talked to current nannies previous employer. But, hey, at least they didn't call me!!

AtheneNoctua · 16/02/2009 10:29

Oh jeez, I obviously meant "I never talked to current nanny's previous..." seeing as I employ only one nanny.

cheapskatemum · 19/02/2009 22:54

Just want to post that I'm very happy with my current AP. I've read a few posts along the lines of "AP scare stories - just read the threads on MN". So just wanted to post good news for a change. Not a space ship plan in sight!

cheapskatemum · 19/02/2009 22:56

Regarding the OP - I would take her on with a trial period of 4 weeks in the contract.

letswiggle · 20/02/2009 07:53

I agree with the trial period. But (if you can be bothered), meet up with her and explain that: it's important to be mature about these kind of things; nobody expects their au pairs to stay forever, and they usually only boot them out for gross misconduct (one of mine went for hiding other people in her room for example, but even then I gave her a few days to sort herself out); she should say that she wants to leave and give them reasonable notice; and give her a date when she can come to you if she has a reasonable reference.

Blondeshavemorefun · 20/02/2009 09:02

its tricky as an ap or live in nanny, and athene and others have said, the ap gives her notice and gets kicked out, having no job and no where to live

saying that, i wouldnt offer a job without checking refernces, so a letter saying subject to ref the job is hers is good

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