terribly homesick child, what can I do to help her? deep psychological issues here......

[CrackopentheBaileys]

Hi, me again! I've only been cm'ing for 2 years, and now that I have found Mumsnet I am finding the advice on here so useful.

So here is my newest issue that I would love some ideas/sugestions on how to deal with

I look after a 7 year old little girl. I have had her since the beginning of November, and she moved to England from Canada around August time.
I won't go into the specifics, but she has minimal contact with her mother back in Canada (she has actually had minimal contact snce she was 2) so it's just her and her Dad here.
Up until before christmas she seemed ok. I can tell she is a bit of a closed book, and doesn't really like affection or motherly attention (things like hair brushing, or painting nails etc) which I have been trying to give her .... wrongly or rightly.

So at Christmas she went to stay with her maternal grandmother in Canada for two weeks and since she came back there is such a sadness in her eyes, and it's breaking my heart. She doesn't really want to join in with things, is even more closed to me emotionally, and I have caught her cying silently a numerous times. I try to give her a little cuddle but she holds her body away from me like she would rather not have it.

I spoke to her Dad on Friday and explained about the crying and sadness, and he has had the same behaviour at home. He said that they are going to 'do more exciting things' from now on, and spend some time exploring their new hometown at the weekends. Which sounds lovely, but what can I personally do to help her?
Do I continue with the 'motherly love' that I have been attempting (I am like this with all my mindee's not just her, but I have been making a special effort to get a bond with her) or do you think I should back off?

Also, I was thinking about having a Canada themed week for her, but will that help or hinder do you think?

Forgot to say, I think a huge part of this is that she saw her Mother for the first time in a few years whilst she was in Canada... that is all I know, no details at all.

Looking forward to some sound advice

She seems to me to be missing her mum and to be very mixed up. While I am sure Dad means well, I am not sure trying to go out and do lots is the way to go about it. Smacks of lots of presents at Christmas from a fairly absentee parent, like compensation.

I wouldn't hug her if she doesn't want it. Tell her she can always come to you or at least ask her before you try and cuddle her. I think at her age and in her situation I think that is fair.

I wouldn't do the theme without asking her as it could back fire and remind her of what she doesn't have.

yes I was thinking the same thing about the theme NAB. But on the flipside I believe that if things are talked about and fonly remembered it can have a positive effect. Maybe I'll ask her Dad how he thinks she will respond.

I really feel for her Dad, he has brought her here for a new life with all the best intentions. He had a girlfriend in Canada who was from around here and returned with her, they have a one year old, but that has gone pear shaped and they are no longer together. She does get to see her little brother every weekend though.

I get the point about the hugs, it's just so hard to see a little girl crying and not want to hold her. I feel so sad for her it's making me a cry a little now too

Any more ideas would be greatly appreciated

Oh dear, that is so sad. I'm sorry, I don't have any suggestions, but it sounds like you are being very sensitive and kind and she will be aware of that. Poor girl.

It is very sad, I so want to help her. When I say minimal contact, I mean, like didn't see her Mum for years at a time, not like monthly visits.

I've just re-read my post, apologies for the typo's! I really should proof read!

It's a really sad story. What about getting her drawing her mother or a 'family' picture with everyone in it. Then perhaps you would find ways of getting her to open up a bit more. If she was willing, and perhaps have to ask dad about it, she could make a book of memories about Canada with photos of Grandma and mum. She could caption them with your help.

When I was very unhappy as a child I would have done the whole pull my body away thing and what I actually wanted was someone to hug me very tight and tell me it was okay. So I don't know about backing off I think she's just trying to protect herself by not feeling just how sad she is? If she gets in touch with how she feels she will probably cry and cry and cry but perhaps that is what she needs?

That's a sweet idea pc, thanks. I'll mention that to her Dad and see what he thinks. I'm wary of overstepping the mark, you know, I don't want him to think that I'm busybodying iykwim

Agree with CG in that it is a fine line between not wanting contact and actually really wanting it but protecting yourself. Hard judgement though because she could lose all trust in you if you persevered and it went badly.

I am so at a loss as to what to do. I guess I haven't been her carer long enough for her to trust me

Poor little girl. You sound like a really kind and caring person, and I would say she's lucky to have you as a CM!

I've always found that my DS (who's quite bottled up) talks to me best when we're doing something else, preferably something active. So you might be able to get through to her more indirectly. Have you tried telling her about times that you remember feeling really sad when you were a little girl? (Not in the context of her situation, obviously - just find a reason to talk about your own childhood. Even if it was lovely, there must be something you could embroider so you could talk about your feelings rather than hers. Even if she doesn't respond, it might go in!)

If she doesn't like hugs, I'd find other ways to show her affection (a little touch on her arm, or a stroke of her hair). I think that one major thing you're doing for her at the moment is being a kind, warm, completely reliable and dependable older-woman-figure, which may in itself be enough for the time being.

I expect this is all stuff you've thought of. I don't really know why I'm posting, other than to say it sounds as if you're doing a great job!

thanks Dot thats really nice of you to say. Some great ideas in there, I do the little stroke of the hair thing to her quite often

I feel that maybe she would like to talk, I
just need to gain her trust and give her time I guess. She did mention her Mum to me once, but it was infront of three other kids so it was bad timing iyswim

Little update, I will update a bit more as things change.

She came back to me today a lot more vibrant than last week.
She spent the day at the zoo and was full of what she'd seen and done, such a lovely change.
I tried to make her hotdogs (a favourite of hers) but she didn't like our lame English ones! I have now started this thread in the hope of giving her a bit of home from home at the dinner table!

No advice but I just wanted to add that you sound like a wonderful CM. I do hope that you manage to make some headway with this poor little girl and that in doing so you can make her happier again. I'm sure you will.

ty Pennies, I can't wait til the day that she may actually WANT to give me a little cuddle!

Just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely person Crack.

ah loving the love fest thanks guys