AP taking liberties or not??

[NewTeacher]

Hi All

I have a lovely AP who is great with my DC's and always goes that extra mile with them.

I think that is the reason when she does things that I think ar wrong or irritating I let it go as her childcare and cleaning is spot on.

However, she has use of the car to tak my DS to and from school and that is it I have made this clear from day 1. She managed to get a parking ticket in her first week as she had used the car to get to college and it had been in the car park for over 3 hours (limit is 3 hrs). I didnt shout and she paid for the ticket in instalments BUT (there is always a but!)this meant that she had ignored my request of only using the car for school runs.

The college is about a 10 nminute walk from our house as is the local High St and rail station. Bus stops for other places are 5 mins away hence I do not feel she needs to use the car. Our last AP walked everywhere as she didnt have to do the school run. We even bought a bike for this one but its too frosty to use at the moment she says.

Now tot he main issues...

Well I asked her to take DS to a party today and to use the car after which she is supposed to go home. I've rung her to find out she is in Tesco's!! So I'm a bit miffed to say the least as she has taken the car.

I have also said she can use the phone to call her parents but should do it when I am home (it is free to call her home country its just that I need to check she isnt on it longer than an hour) BUT everyday when I get home she has called home and this is usually in the time she is supposed to be doing her household chores.

The other thing is she doesnt seem to understand that in the evenings she should let me and DH have some couple time. In the beginning she used to sit between us on the sofa! DH had to tell her to move in the end. He works away alot so when he is back I wwould like to have alone time just chilling in front of the tv but she is always there. She has a tv in her room and there is one in the DC's playroom which has all the sky channels but she sits with us.

I have also said that at weekends she needs to fend for herself, food is in the kitchen so she can help herself. I have found when we have guests she comes along and helps herself to food (as in dinner party stuff)and even sits in the room and I dont have it in me to say we are entertaining....

I just dont expect her to be with us 24/7 and I know you wil say she is part of the family but when I was in my late teens and living at home I was expected to leave my parents and their guests to it...TBH I dont want someone in my face all the time, there is plenty for her to do and places to go and local friends she just prefers to sit with us!!!

HELP me please....

I don't have an AP and tbh the stories on here have pretty much put me off for life! But compared to most of those posts, I have to say your experience doesn't sound at all bad. I'm not sure why you have this rigid rule about not using the car for anything except the school run - assuming you don't need it yourself - but even when she has broken the rule, it's not like she's been partying with it. She's just driven to college and called into tesco. Is that really so bad? I also don't understand why she can't use the phone when you're not around if it doesn't cost you anything. I understand it's your house your rules, but you do seem to want a lot of control. And the issue about her spending evenings with you is the opposite of what a lot of people struggle with - most are worried that their AP is standoffish/hides in their room. Obviously a middle ground is best and of course you want to sit with your DH, but why not go cuddle up in bed and watch telly? You know that APs are meant to be part of the family and that's just how she's behaving. Part of the motivation for her is to share in your life, dinner parties and all, unless she's really not welcome in which case I guess you have to explain it v sensitively or send her out for a nice treat maybe.

Reading back over your post, there's a funny contradiction in that you don't want her in your face but you also want a lot of control i.e. to be in her face in way. Not criticising because it's clearly a v tricky balance and I don't know how anyone gets it right, but honestly, she sounds pretty good to me. Does anyone else agree?

I think part of it is that you need to "let go" IYSWIM?

I guess you don't want her using the car incase she has an accident? The car is insured right so don't worry about it, if she is confident then leave it at that. How absurd would it be to be out in the car, go home then get a bus to Tesco. If you were the AP would you think your host was mental asking you to do that?

I understand that they are your rules etc but maybe she does not want to tell you that she thinks you ABU, maybe this is her way of getting you to rethink things. I do not agree with it personally as if I had a problem I would try and resolve it through talking with you.

Also with the phone, can't you just trust her that she has to end it before an hour? If you can trust her with your DC you should be able to trust her with that surely? YOu say she calls when she is supposed to be claning, but you also said that her cleaning is great so as long as she is doing her job and the children are happy does it really matter.

With the whole her hanging around in the evening, can you sort out her meeting up with other APs? Have you explained explicitly that she is free to do what she wants on weekends? She may be worried that you will br cross if she does her own thing, esp as you seem to be "controlling" in other ways? I cna imagine her saying to friends "she doesn't like me using the car can you imagine what would happen if I came home as 1am drunk!" etc.

I think she sounds ok from your post, but if you aren't happy then my opinion doesn't mean anything at all. Plus I have never had an AP or been an AP!

NewTeacher
I so sympathise with the evening related and dinner party issues. What you describe is just the scenario I couldn't face. Dinners with friends are the main way we relax and it would have driven me nuts to be constantly on duty entertaining an au pair. I think you are just going to have to say it and also help her find some local activities to go along to.

Thankyou HTS I didnt think I was asking too much. I'm guessing I will have to speak to her but its so hard when she is so good in other ways!!! Oh that easy medium is so hard to find!!!

To the OP I'm not being controlling at all I just find it funny how she, the AP never mentions that she has called her family. I feel that she is taking liberties because if you have nothing to hide you would mention it and say 'I called my mum today'.

As for the car why should I pay the £400 excess if someone dents the car in the tesco car park when she should have walked there? She was asked to take DS to a party and come home so no need to go shopping.

NT
I can understand how the selective listening would niggle as well. This comes with the caveat that i can be easily irritated but if she didn't bother with the small stuff (it's so easy just to do as you ask, it's not her house, car etc after all) i would start to wonder whether she would do her own thing on the bigger issues.

I've had au pairs in the past and have to say that you do sound controlling. Popping to Tesco's on the way back from the party isn't a big crime imho, neither is calling her Mum without telling you. You've said yourself that her childcare and cleaning are great, so the phone call isn't effecting her work.

I do agree however about the evening situation and have to say that I was advised by friends to make it clear before you offer the role that you want evenings alone. It's a lot harder to explain this now and really you should have told her earlier so that she could decide if she'd be happy on her own at night.

I don't have an au pair so feel free to ignore my input if you wish.

However the first thing that you state is that your ap is excellent at caring for your children and good at cleaning.

I can understand your point about the excess, but tbh it does seem really minor. If you are happy enough for her to drive your children to school, and you are not using the car it seems a tad churlish to insist that she walks everywhere. Perhaps she is not one of lifes walkers or cyclists, and if driving to Tescos gives her pleasure then is it such a major issue ?

Ditto calling parents. You want to be there to monitor length of calls. She wants you not to be there so she can speak to them privately, perhaps to moan about you and your DCs, in the way I'm sure that all Aps/Nannies/CMs and nursery staff need to do from time to time.

About the weekend dining, yes you do need to speak to her about that.

You do sound controlling I'm afraid. You should make up your mind whether or not you want her to have access to a car, and stick to that rather than fussing over whether she pops into Tescos or not. You are risking the £400 when she takes your son to the party, so why not when she is in Tesco?

Re the dinner parties - I would say to her "You need to make yourself scare for the evening because we are entertaining. What are your plans for dinner because there won't be any spare food from our meal."

Given what you describe of your location, I think it's okay personally to limit car usage to stuff which is really not walkable and/or related to DCs. The excess wouldn't have occurred to me - as another poster puts it, she is either safe or she isn't- but the petrol cost would frankly. Sorry, call me a cheapskate.

maybe if you don't want her to eat with you, she could eat with the children earlier on in the evening?

I used to be an au pair and it really is common sense to leave the couple alone.

LOL! Lots of interesting views...

My AP is german so would speak in German to her family she could say all she likes about me and the family and I wouldnt know!!! And anyway when she does call her family she does so from her room and I do not sit outside listening in! Honestly do you really think she has to have her phone conversations whilst she's sat in front of me use your common sense please...

As for the car it was clearly stated before she started that it was for school runs only!!!! So YES I do have a problem with her taking it to tesco or anywhere else because I have explicitly said she shouldnt. I dont mind paying the excess when its on the school run as its the time I've asked her to drive. We dont live in a remote village so she can get wherever she needs to go by walk, bus or train. The car was never a perk of the job I'm afraid.

HTS you so get where I am coming from...

I do have an AP, and to be honest I think you are being very strict.
My AP has no need of a car for our 'job' (kids get picked up at our door by a school bus) and there are buses/trains close to our house, but we have paid for her to be insured on the car particularly to give her a sense of freedom to pop to the shops etc during the day (our AP loves to browse the dvds in tesco and buys all sorts of biscuits/choc that she fancies eating in her room (so she has never eaten my last chocolate - a big fear of mine )
We set up skype on her computer - so she has access to very cheap calls home whenever she wants to ring (as long as she is not looking after the children) which she pays for (but they cost pennies), she also has instant messenger, and email, and since she prefers to watch dvds or surf the internet she is in her room a lot of the time in the evening.
When we have friends over I have asked her if she wants to be included or not - sometimes she does, sometimes not, but I don't feel I have to entertain her - and my friends are happy to talk to her.

How long has she been staying with you? Our AP was slightly clingier for the first week or so, but has got more and more independent as time went on.

She has the internet and skype and sky and a mobile and membership at the gym....

She has been with us 3 months now. I think the because our last AP just left us to it and did her own thing (we had a great relationship with her!) I kinda expected the same thing.

As for the car I dont feel its being strict. Theres the issue of parking tickets and other people denting the car not her having an accident in it. If I thought she wasnt a safe driver I wouldnt let her drive my kids would I.

If she has skype why do you care if her phone calls are longer than an hour?

Parking tickets I would expect AP to pay for (since they should not be parking illegally), but I still think it's over the top to limit the car use in case someone else bumps into her.

You could always start smooching with dh on the sofa and embarrass her into leaving the room

YOu say she is fantastic, if you want to keep her then I think maybe you have to relax a bit. Like Millarkie my AP has use of car in her own time on the understanding that she pays for the costs when she is on her own journeys.

THe phone - if she is not going over the hour and she is getting the chores done what is the issue, yes she bents the rules but these relationships have to have some give and take to survive. I had the reverse problem my AP managed to run up a large bill whilst sticking to the rules (oops me) so we sat down and talked about it and worked out new rules that we both felt were fair.

The final point is probably the one that is most annoying, but you can't just throw her out of the punge (though I think Millarkie's idea has some merit), without helping her find somethihng else to do (she is probaly lonely). Mine has found a load of APs locally via facebook and meets up with them two three time a week.

Um, you want to treat her like a child by having control of her (free) phonecall arrangements and by stopping her having the real grown up freedom that a car gives....except when it suits you to want her to grow up and get out of your hair and not cramp your style?

Sorry, but you and HTS are in a minority of two here. I would never tell an AP that I trust her to drive my children around, but not to use the car for her own errands (and I have had a car written off, one driven into a field, and numerous other things happen over the years). I would also not restrict skype the way you do (sounds a bit like "no, you can't go out to play until you've done ALL your homework" to me).

Dinner parties etc is easy. You just tell her that on Mondays and Tuesdays you will leave her the run of the TV room/dining room/kitchen so that she can have friends over without you getting in her hair, on Fridays and Saturdays you need the run of the house to yourself to entertain in private, and that other days are 'family' days for all of you.

If she is reliable, great with the kids, cheerful, and doesn't smell, you are doing really well. All the rest is a nice-to-have.

I'm happy to be in a minority of two on this occasion regarding the car given the price of petrol these days. As I said, feel free to call me a cheapskate - it would be different if they lived in a rural area or if the OP billed a car for personal use as part of the deal, and then changed her mind, but she didn't.

I tend to agree with the other posters on the skype issue though. Just let her get on with it.

All of this blurred family-employee stuff makes me want to run for the hills.

i see both views but if you trust ap to drive your child to school/party - then they should be allowed to drive/use the car (if you dont want it) - if if is the petrol issue, then say to her maybe she could put money in or dock £5 from her wages

they can be in an accident going to school/get parking tickets etc

phone, again if you trust with your child, you should be able to trust her to be on phone for an hour - if need be buy a timer

maybe she is lonely, and you need to say that you need some time with dh/if friends are about

maybe say, we are having friends over this weekend, did you want to go out/get a dvd to watch in your room etc

it must be hard having someone live in your house and be there all the time BUT ap's come and live as part of your family - weould you boot your teenage child out if you have friends?

think you need to have a 3mth chat/how are you settling in/sort things out

Can't you have itemised bills and agree that if she goes over an hour she pays the extra?
My AP has a mobile with a very cheap package for calling abroad - I said she was welcome to use our phone but she prefers it that way.

Re the car, I think if I was your AP I would feel very miffed about not being allowed to use the car if no-one else was using it at the time.

its not the skype its not restricted she uses it on her own computer I wish OP would read the original post! im complaining about the use of the regular phone! I dont mind her using it I'm just concerned as to why she doesnt mention it thats all! It makes me feel she has something to hide...

As for the car you may well be happy to have a car written off but I'm certainly not! The car is for use to pick/drop off my DS and no personal use that was clearly stipulated. whether the car sits on the driveway all day I DONT CARE!!!! Thats not her concern if she wants to be miffed thats her problem.

How would you feel if she was using the internet on your computer all day (because you arent there and its free, so why not) and she manages to get a virus on it and you lose all your files would you be ok with that?

Just because something is there doesnt mean you have free use of it! If I'm in the minority then so be it thats the way I am. Like I said everything is in walking distance and if she cant be bothered to walk that is her perogative we bought her a bike on her say so and she doesnt use it in winter months for whatever reasons.

She has made friends but chooses not to see them in the evenings I cant force her to go out.

Like I said these are just little niggly things that I have ignored as she is good with the kids.

In some peoples eyes I may come across as being strict but thats the way I was brought up so for me it is normal and obviously for you guys it isnt...

So lets leave it at agreeing to disagree...

NewTeacher - my AP does have access to my computer whenever she wants but my files are backed up and there is virus software installed! I wouldn't dream of not letting her use it in case she gets a virus!

you do sound a little mad NT but i know that with me its always the little things that get to me and i obsess over.

I'd personally pick my battles as your concerns are pretty small in the scheme of things.

Good luck!

but the car could be written off going to school

i dont see the diff bewteen school and tesco/college - she could have an accident or someone could bump into her on school runs

yes we can agree to disagree but you asked for help/opinions and we are giving them to you

lol

Not sure what you're getting so worked up about,you DID ask for opinions,IMO you sound very strict and annoyed at your lack of control over AP,and in a way,not too bothered about her happiness outside of her working hours.

Btw,didn't you have an au pair that used to eat too much