Resigning?

[aupair101]

I am an au pair in Italy, and my contract is due to finish in June next year... But I don't feel like I can be here this long. I am going home for christmas on the 19th, and supposed to be back on the 9th Jan, but I really don't want to come back! In the 3 months that I have been here, I have not once been payed on time. The children (5,7,11) are rude to me, and they never listen to what they are asked. Last weekend I took their ball away (they are not allowed to play with it in the house) and I was bitten, kicked, punched and my hair was pulled. I was even hit in the face with a shoe. The two older ones had their gameboys taken away, and were asked to appologise, which they never did. The children come in my room and hide my things and the parents never seem to tell the children off for doing what they do.

My aim in life is to become a nurse, caring for children with life-limiting illnesses and learning disabilities. I don't think I could spend another 6 months with these spoiled brats.

I get payed 300Euros a month, which in my mind is not enough. I worked out that I am working 40 hours a week, including Saturdays. I have to clean the house for 3 hours a day on Mondays and Thursdays and I am expected to cook dinner every night. I am asked what I will be cooking. And then everyone leaves me to do the washing up.

My problem is that I am a total chicken, and I don't think that I could tell them outright that I want to leave. I haven't signed a contract and as far as I am concerned I have no notice period, so I was thinking I could hand my notice in on the day I leave, as to not make me feel so bad. I feel awful about wanting to leave as it is. I have even considered just leaving on the 19th and not coming back, knowing I wont have to face them again.

You guys, as parents who have au pairs and nannies... Can you give me some advice as to go about leaving this family? How would you prefer to find out your child care provider was leaving?

Thank you

They sound vile!

If you can, I would give them a letter sooner rather than later. If not then definitely give them it before you leave - don't just say nothing and then not turn up in Jan!

Oh blimey... if things are as bad as you say I wouldn't worry about it. but how nice of you to be concerned.
How do you think they would treat you if you told them you were leaving?
I personally would want to know as soon as possible, i.e telling them now you won't be returning
but
If you think they might ask you to leave immediately, or treat you badly then tell them on the 19th

Yeah, I mean I think it would be best to know before I go, but GOD.. how do I do it?! I have never had to formally resign from a job or anything... Do I write a letter? What does the letter say?! It is a nightmare situation, because I don't know what the reaction will be. The mum works from home most the time, so actually in my mind, she doesn't really need an au pair... Without one it just means she has to ferry 3 kids around if she needs to go out.

I don't know what the reaction will be, which is probably the bulk of my nervousness!

Gah!!

My standard resignation letter (I'm a governess and was a nanny) simply says:

I am hereby giving X weeks notice of my intention to leave your employment on X date.

My name
Date

If they're nice I might add something about how much I've enjoyed working for them and am sad to leave but that's in no way legally necessary.

BUT:

Did you go through an agency? If so, have you spoken to them about the situation? If you haven't, would you?
If not, and they ask you to leave, do you have somewhere you can go if they kick you out?

I didn't go through an agency, and if they asked me to leave no, I would have no where to go. I'd have to camp at the airport until Friday!

And am I leaving on the 19th? I mean, it is Christmas and I am not meant to be working anyway, so do I put that I am leaving on the 19th (making it less than one week) Or od I put 8th Jan (one day before I am due to be back... making it 3 weeks or so)

x

If you're meant to leave on the 19th - but not return until the 8th - that's quite a bit of notice for a short term role, so I'd just tell them on the last day?

Love, I was once in a similar situation to you in a nightmare aupair job in Paris. I actually did give them two weeks notice and tried to be diplomatic about why I was leaving - eg not telling them it was cos they were nuts and their kids were vile - but they ended up kicking me out a day early out of spite. I had a flight booked for Saturday and they made me leave AFTER I had worked a ten hour day for them on Friday... so I spent a night in the airport. And they underpaid me for my last week.

So if I were you, I'd tell them on the day you're leaving, just in case. Don't worry too much about the family, they are in a much better position to look after themselves than you are.

Thanks for the moral support Tankie! I am worried about being payed too.. I have not been payed on time since I have been here and I am owed 150Euros, and then 11.50Euros per day from the 10th-19th... which makes it, um, finds calculator another 103.50Euros.. So in total 253.5 Euros.

So, I think I might tell them on the day I am leaving. As Lucy87 says, it is quite a bit of notice if I tell them on the day I leave anyway... It might be a bit of a problem trying to find a replacement over christmas though.

Maybe I am too nice? I shouldn't have let myself be taken advantage of!

x

I used to do au pair for 8 families. I did not come to England just study language but also travell and learn about culture so ... first time when I wanted change family was quite hard ... how to tell them than I am not happy .... aupair101 be honest! Tell mother that you will not come back from your holiday as you feel that it does not work at all and she probably know. Tell her that if she need a help to finde other au pair you are more than happy to help her. Tell her that you have been thinking about that serioustly and dont wont to let her down as she is very nice etc etc etc. Well you dont know how she is going to react but i belive that she will understant. She still can finde someone till 9th of January ... its wuite long time! Just dont complain about children! Wish you good luck

Do it on the 19th. At the end of the day, if they wanted you to treat them really well then they should have done the same to you.

They sound like they are really taking advantage of you.

Re the money - will you be paid what's owed before you leave for Christmas? If not, have a word saying that you are counting on the money for travel/christmas costs. Then, after being paid and as you are leaving give her your letter saying that you are not coming back (hopefully for her to read when you are not there!) Sounds a bit harsh but they haven't treated you very well and it does give them 3 weeks notice.

Leave only when you've been paid. Leave a letter on the table on your way out the door. They then have 3 weeks to find someone and you have got the money they owe you.

I was thinking about leaving a letter in the letter box so it wouldn't be found until the next day! Is that really out of order?

I don't want the father (who will probably stay at home) to ring the mother when we are on the way to the airport and tell her! I might be dropped on the side of the road, 50 miles from the airport!

I think I have decided to tell them on the last day/the day after I have left, but I don't want to be mean!

x

Look after number 1! Make sure you get paid too.

Good luck x

Email them when you get back: that way you won't worry about the letter being found and you will know they have received it and can act on it.

Oh bless you. We currently have an AP and she came to speak to us about 3 weeks ago to tell us she was unhappy (homesick), and that she was considering returning to her home country. However, she told us that even if she decided to resign, she would return after Christmas until we found another AP. I thought that was very noble of her, but tbh, if she wanted to go home, I would tell her not to worry about coming back as we'd cope. Yes, it would be very tricky initially, but I'd rather not have an AP than have an AP who wasn't happy in our home- it's not fair on anyone. Luckily, we have all addressed some issues, and she has decided to stay.

Surely your host mum has guessed how unhappy you have been? They are certainly taking advantage of you in a big way! There is no way I would stay there.

If I were you, I would leave at Christmas, and post a letter/email from England to say that you are very sorry to let them down, but you won't be returning.

I'd also ask for your money before you leave, stating that you need it for travel expenses as soon as you land. I cannot believe they have not been paying you though! How rude!

My only concern about leaving without giving notice is this- will they be suspicious if you take all of your possessions home for a Cristmas 'visit'? I know I pocked my head round our AP's bedroom door when she went home for a weekend to see if she had left anything, as I was convinced at the time that she was not going to come back As it was, she had left her childhood teddy so I knew she'd be coming back for him, if nothing else!!

Good luck x

I once knew a nanny who had such a terrible time with a family that she went home to Europe to see her family and sent them a postcard tellling the family she wasn't coming back!

Don't tell them before you go.
Make sure you've been paid and then email them maybe?

I have thought about that... But I might leave some old clothes that I don't need any more. I keep slipping into the conversation that I need to take everything home anyway (The weather has changed here.. When I arrived it was 30 degrees! Now it is snowwing every day and -3 or -4 in the day time! I am unprepared anyway!) so hopefully they wont be too miffed! So you think that I could email/send a letter from England? I guess I would still be giving 2 weeks notice, so it wouldn't be too bad.

And I have tried to keep my emotions well hidden, which is part of the problem now. It would have been easier if I was crying lots and telling host mum that I missed my family/was home sick, but I haven't. I really don't think that she thinks I am unhappy, and if she asked now, I would probably say 'I'm fine!'.

x

It will be fine to email from England. From the sounds of things, you owe them no more than that!x

I am really sorry you are being treated so badly. If my children behaved like this I would have a total fit and be a lot stricter. One of mine shoved the AP slightly the other day in a tantrum (he is 7) and I made him really really grovel and try to put things right until they were friends again (they were playing hide and seek today very happily on her day off, and they were hugging each other a lot, so I think she has forgiven him). The children in your host family sound very badly brought up indeed.

BTW an Italian colleague of mine (also a mum)told me very recently that there are frequent discipline problems with Italian children, and parents over there are often accused of not doing their job properly.

I think the best thing to do is to maintain the moral high ground even if the family are behaving badly. So give two weeks' notice (the normal amount) and tell them this is because you are not happy, and you think they are the wrong family for you. The two weeks' notice will expire while you are on leave, but I don't think realistically we can worry about that too much in the circumstances, because it's Christmas. Ideally you should offer to return until they find a new AP but you sound so unhappy that perhaps this would not be a good idea. You might actually say this to them if you can. Try to be brave.

They might rip you off on the money front but I think you will just have to be prepared for this and put it down to experience. However if you can do something for them in your last week that might make them feel they would miss you, you are more likely to get paid, I think. In this house it would mean baking a cake, being brilliant on the laundry duties, or doing some super-child-friendly activity, but in your host family it might mean something completely different, or even be impossible. Only you can judge that.

BTW your salary doesn't sound too ridiculous for Italy, on the low side perhaps but not ridiculous. But I insist my APs open bank accounts and I pay them automatically via standing order each week so they can budget properly. The problem with paying in cash is that you have to get really organised and find a cashpoint every week, and the problem here may be as simple as that.

Not all families are as awful as this one, but if you do try being an AP again, make sure you use a contract!!

I completely disagree VirginBoffinMum - why should she just accept not being paid? She's young and vulnerable in a foreign country. This family will get two weeks notice from the 19th.

Get your money, leave, and send an email the second you're back home. That's what I'd do.

I agree with Tankie. If things are as you describe life is way too short, take your stuff, email them when you get home, and don't give it another thought. If you can face being an AP again, I hope you find a nice family.

Well I've had countless APs around my kitchen table over the last 20 years and it's given me a bit of an insight into the complications of relationships like this, I think. Have to say that this family sounds ruddy awful though.

She has said she doesn't want to speak to them about it, she hasn't been placed via and agency and she hasn't got a contract, so she's made it very difficult for herself to get the money out of them. That's not to say I wouldn't go around and handbag them on her behalf if I was in her neighbourhood, because I think she's entitled to it just as you all do .

But I think the view here is that they've been sufficiently awful to do a runner, which might well be correct, but further reduces her chances of getting her dosh.

I still think there's a case for maintaining the moral high ground because then the OP will be likely to get more of what she wants.