What would you expect the CM to do in this situation?

[Swaliswan]

I have a brilliant CM but am getting a bit worried about her very gentle, relaxed approach to discipline. She looks after her DD (almost 2) and my DD (18 mo) during the day and this has worked very well up until recently. I know that they are both going to want to play with the same toys and sometimes this will cause arguements, but recently all I have seen her DD do is snatch every single toy off of my DD even if it means pushing my DD off of a toy to get to it. I have seen her DD hurt my DD in the process of snatching a toy for herself but the CM just seems to think that my DD is fussing. I know that my DD needs to learn to stand up for herself a bit, but I would not allow my DD to snatch a toy off of another child let alone spend the next ten minutes politely asking her to please give the toy back. I'm sure that I come across as having a PFB but I do believe that 'no' should mean 'no' and don't know how to approach this with the CM who is also a friend. AIBU?

I'm a cm and if anything I'm more strict with my own 4yr old than with the mindees (aged 1 - 7). I found that the mindees were bringing their own toys from home and wouldn't share them with my DS but they were spending all day playing with his own personal toys. What I've done is separate his things from the 'business' toys and he understands that if he wants to play with his own toys, he has to be prepared to share them with the others. Likewise, mindees have to share their toys with DS. If they fight over a toy, I use an egg timer and they have to swap after so long. If they refuse, the toy gets put away. We are told that we have to try and let children resolve differences between them before we intervene as that's how they learn to deal with conflict but I would never sit back and watch a child hurt another child without acting. All children go through this phase, but i think it could be that the cms child is a bit jealous of having to share her mum with someone else and is pushing the boundaries! DOes your cm have a behaviour management policy? If so, she should have shared it with you before you signed contracts.

You do need to have a chat with cm because if you don't and it continues, your relationship with her will suffer. I always tell my parents that if they have any concerns they must tell me straight away, and they do, no matter how trivial. It might be that if she has a laid back approach she hasn't even noticed the 'problem' - gently bring it to her attention and chances are she'll do something about it straight away. She'll probably be mortified she hadn't seen it for herself- we can be blinkered sometimes to our own children!!!

I reckon that the CM has far more of a PFB attitude than you do! I agree with your approach to discipline and I do not allow my DS to snatch off other children whether they are of the same age or not. Similarly, I do not allow the 19 month old treasure I childmind to snatch from my 4 year old.

A child of your age and of your CM's age cannot understand reason and discussion, imo. No means no and that is that. MAYBE a short explanation - not too many words and certainly not for minutes on end. And most definitely not a whole bloody negotiation process!

It seems that you advocate a parent led household whereas CM has child led one.

I am sorry that I do not have any advice for you, but I wanted to give my tuppence worth and say that I support your approach and hope that you can sort it with the CM. The fact that she is your friend obviously makes it harder.

Could you maybe not tell her as you have set it out on MN?? You would do well to do that. And remember of course that your child's comfort or otherwise is at stake.

good luck.....

I am also more strict with my DD than the mindees. If she doesn't want to share a toy, she takes it to her room (before they arrive) and plays with it there. Otherwise, she shares. I discourage children bringing toys from home, because it always seems to cause trouble, but I don't insist on that.

Who's in charge...?

I am big on manners and sharing and being nice to, and thoughtful toward eachother.

I am the responsible adult and step in where need be.

I am a firm believer that if you love a child, you discipline/correct a child. How else will they learn?

Were I you I would definately chat with the CM... your child will also get confused with the different ways you and the CM treat same/similar situations.

The aim of the childminder is to work WITH the parent in raising the child.

i agree that no child should be allowed to snatch

obviously all children do it, but i always take it straight off my child and give it back if he snatches OR if a child is trying to snatch from him, tell him that HE is playing with it, and encourgae him to bring it near me

Cm should be enforcing 'no snatching'. My CM clearly does this - as dd twice told ME off for snatching least week saying 'we don't snatch mummy'

LOL Acinoyx!

Thanks for all of your comments. Now I don't know how to approach the CM about how she deals with bad behaviour. I feel even worse for not doing something beforehand though because DD went to play with another little friend the other day who is only a little younger than the CM's DC. DD had a fab time and although a bit flummoxed about what to do when her friend snatched a toy, the mum dealt with it so well and DD was able to relax and play with her friend.