WWYD - nanny observes emotional abuse of child

[Lucy87]

Hello,

Wondering what other nannies but parents also would do in this situation. It's incredibly awkward, but I feel doing nothing is irresponsible!

My charge's best friend is treated terribly by her mother, and I now believe the treatment is bordering on emotional abuse.

I hear reports from her nanny, but I also see it first time whenever I happen to be at their house with my charges.

The little girl is 8, and she has a younger brother, 7. Her brother is the favourite, and the poor little girl is constantly being told she is;

• fat (she is a bit chubby but only because her mother feeds her 3 packets of crisps a day and then berates her for gaining weight)
• not intelligent enough
• worthless (this is all implied in so many ways)

Her mother is constantly screaming at her, in front of anyone who happens to be around at the time. Most recently thing I have heard is her mother telling her, "I must have had the wrong baby given to me at the hospital, I would NEVER have had a child like you".

The poor little girl has recently been stealing things at school, I can only presume as a cry for help and to get some attention.

What would other nannies do in this situation?

Or as a parent, if you observed another parent treating their child this way, would you take any action?

Sorry, I meant to write first hand - not first time

funny. thought you were talking about my up-bringing. as a child i was introverted and kept a goofy grin on to make it seem all was ok, but now that i am older, i am amazed at how many people (family and friends) that noticed the treatment i grew up with from my mother and nothing was ever said. in the 70's though, it wasn't anyones business nor was 'emotional' abuse considered something. she continued till about 4 years ago when i stopped talking to her. man, it's been great. anyhow, the normal protocol is to talk to other authority figures in the child's life (teachers) to make it known that there is something up in the home and that you have witnessed it and they can assess the signs and have the child talk to the counsellor at school about home issues, etc. we are all in charge of insuring the safety of our community children.

Chefswife - may I ask you, what as a child would you have wanted to happen? I always wonder this when I see unhappy situations like in OP

Speaking to either of the parents is like banging your head against a brick wall, basically. They're quite vile.

I think I will phone social services today, I have witnessed this myself, the other nanny's stories only corroborate that the abuse is consistent and ongoing.

So it's about time someone did something to help the poor little girl I think.

Let us know how you get on. Are you with an agency? could you ask them for advice? I know mine would be very helpfl if I asked this

How dreadful. I think you have to do something for the sake of the DC.

My DHs cousin is like this - calls her youngest DD ugly 'like your father' etc., gives them medised alot, says how awful the children are. I feel I cannot do anything though.

poor little tgirl

agree with sitting bull - though if you have seen the evidence you have to do something

tbh think your only course of action is to call ss or rspcc - you could certainly ring the schoolanon and mention your findings

im suprised your friend doesnt say anything - or is she too scared of losing her job - if so then this is terrible

children can not protect theirselves, so it is up to us responsible adults to look out for them, and if need be to report what is going on

SomebodyandNobody, I am sorry but it does make me cross when I see a sentence like yours 'but I can't do anything'. What about the poor child who is being dosed up with medised? what choice does this child have unless somebody, in some way, intervenes.

please dont let this slide look at baby p ....

IMO we are adults

if we observe children being abused (by anyone) we have to act on it

if responsible adults wont protrct children then who will?

You can phone Social Services anonymously and if they think it's appropriate they can investigate. I have seen children placed under a Child Protection Plan for similar

You have to do something, it is the law. In fact we all do if we observe something we suspect may sugest abuse. If it turns out to be prosecutable abuse and it can be proven that you knew and did nothing then you can be charged for endangering a child.

This applies to everyone - and so it should IMHO (in fact it woould be good if it was trotted out a bit more often but that is a different conversation).

Anyway I am not suggesting you will actually get in trouble for doing nothing I am pointing out that it is our duty as human beings to step in. If you are concerned call social services. They may well not do anything at this stage but if this is the third call they have had or the 20th then it may just be the missing link that gets something done for her.

They don't dive in and snatch children, they don't over-react (in fact they often under-act as we know) but if we don't say anything then nothing can be done IYSWIM!

BTW please leave a name with SS if you can, in general people who call anon are malicious (exs fighting etc) and SS find it much harder to act on a case seriously if there is no name for the complainent.

flightattendent because children are not equipped with the understanding that being constantly berated and humiliated by a parent, (emotional abuse), is wrong and not constructive, they do not understand that something can be done. as a child, i didn't know that something could be done but now, as an adult, i know emotional/mental abuse is as damaging as physical abuse and needs to be addressed. the child is already exercising some tell tale coping mechanism signs, (stealing) that there is attention needed on behalf of the child. when i was a child, i understood that when i wasn't at home, i was a happy child. i remember how much i hated the end of school day because i hated the idea of having to go home to my mother. i dreaded summer vacation because i was stuck with her at the cottage from the day school let out till it went back... (that's 2 straight months). the child most likely sees that her sibling is not treated the same either.

God, you poor poor thing.
It must have been awful.
I think you are very brave to have taken on board what happened to you, I think that would have been very hard to admit what it was like to yourself and face all that hurt.

When my mother 'remembered' her awful childhood it took a lot of courage for her to bear the memories.

i think the most tragic thing to come of it is that i do not have a mother in my life. i hope this child won't have to experience that.

Yes please report it to Social Services, she must love her nanny, perhaps the only person who values her

If you know this is ongoing abuse and not a one off thing, which you seem pretty certain then phone SS.

But please please leave your name it can lead to problems and like someone else said usually means an ex or malicios friend etc then nothing gets done as the mother would just fob them off with some lame excuse about ho it would be and why.

I know it is hard to reveal all and know that it may affect your job but tis little girls happiness means more.

Good luck whatever you do.

i cant beleive that your friend who is a nanny who is meant to be loving, kind and caring has done nothing

to me that makes her a terrible nanny and very unprofessional

think i was the first to say that children cant protect theirselves and if adults know that something is going on you have a DUTY to report it - who else will look out for them

Thought I might give an update. I have now spoken to social services (I am on holiday at the moment and SS for me is in AUS - thus the different time), they took it very seriously, although I suppose that is what they have to do...

Apparently the procedure usually is - the report is made, they seek complimentary 'evidence' then contact the family and raise a notification. However, based on the examples I gave the case worker I was assigned said she doubted she'd be required by her team leader to contact the school/GP or anything and they may just go straight to the family.

I agree with the comments many of you made about the child's own nanny not reporting. When I spoke to her and let her know I had decided to report it, her response was ONLY to be worried the mother might think it was her that reported it - which is understandable I suppose, but if she loves the child as much as she says she does - immaterial, really.

I feel sad that out of everyone who witnesses this blatant abuse (I have witnessed it when there have been several other parents present) no one seems to have said or done anything. Of course perhaps maybe they have and the mother has ignored it - but it doesn't seem to be the case. IMO it would be much easier / less awkward for another parent to raise it discretely with the mother - however they are obviously more concerned with their social standing / friendship with his woman, or don't think it's serious... It's funny because when you think about children being abused you usually associate that abuse with a lower socioeconomic class, but I guess that is a silly stereotype. The little girl may have endless material things but her parents fail to provide her the emotional support/ care she so clearly requires.

I am studying developmental psychology at university and am aware of the devastating effects that this sort of abuse can have on a person's happiness, and lifelong well being. Reading some of the stories here only confirmed to me how much of a long lasting impact this sort of treatment could have - so thanks for sharing those memories.

So, it's a big weight off having just done something. I wish I phoned a year ago now, the first time I saw her being so ghastly, but it always seems maybe it's not my place, etc etc.

Thank you all for your support and perspective.

Lucy

well done for reporting it lucy ((HUGS))

tbh you didnt have to mention that you had to your friend

and if ALL she is worried about is mum thinking it is her and losing her job,then maybe she is better out of nannying

nannies are meant to be professional and not turn the other direction if they see something

keep us posted

Well done! It is much easier to tell someone to do it than it is to be the person picking up the phone.

Let us just hope this is the first step to things changing for the better for her!

Well done for reporting it but I can understand the nannies reaction tbh, she may be worried that the mum will sack her and thus the child will lose the only bit of support she has.

I hope that the visit from SS will just make the mum think about the way she has been behaving and how awful it is for her child.