Help me decide what is reasonable - Au Pair problem

[Weegle]

I'm afraid I've got to post and then go to bed as ill & shattered but desperately need some views on what's reasonable before I face AP again tomorrow morning.

AP been with us 4 months. When she arrived she was given a demonstration of how to appropriately lock and look after the £500 mountain bike which she uses.

Last week the bike was stolen from our back garden. On investigating the AP hadn't locked it (not even to itself), despite being provided with 3 locks and instructed how to do so. Call police etc, looks like we can't claim on house insurance because it wasn't locked so will put our premiums up a ridiculous amount. Remain calm with AP etc. Long story short the police found it and returned it within the same day. Mega stress, phew, re-iterate the locking process and taking care of it etc.

Today she takes the bike and leaves it at the station - and doesn't lock it appropriately. The front wheel has been stolen. I have remained immensely calm but frankly if she was my teenager I would expect her to replace it. Anyway, after a chat with DH she has said she will replace it. However, it's a blinking expensive bike, and to replace the wheel, tyre and tube is going to cost in the region of £100. Plus we need to replace two of the three locks which went missing from the theft. I know she's been silly, irresponsible (TWICE), and we simply don't have spare cash at the moment but that's a week and half's pocket money. What would be reasonable? Is it reasonable to expect her to pay the full amount (as DH thinks), would it be reasonable to ask her to pay one week's pocket money (I think), would it be reasonable to go 50/50, should we not expect her to pay at all??? DH is of the view that she clearly can't be trusted to take care of it despite last week's "scare" and therefore should be expected to replace it and then not allowed to use the bike anymore, meaning she has to walk to the station etc (twenty mins as opposed to 5). I think surely she'll get the message now???? And we do need to maintain cordial relations. The alternative is that we replace the wheel and we look for a cheap crappy bike on ebay that she can use and expect her to contribute the money towards that?

ARGH. I've done a fantastic job of not losing but quite frankly the stupidity astounds me.

Please help DH & I so that we can be reasonable without being tainted by how pissed off we are. Thank you!

sorry how old is she? and why did you give her such a lovely bike - maybe other APS have been ok with them but frankly in my experience its prob asking for trouble with most teenagers? I would go for your alternative - get her using a cheap crappy bike and some kind of payment towards the stuff missing (maybe over a couple of weeks).

I'd expect her to pay for at least half, if not all as it was her second chance.

However, unless the bike is a necessity (i.e. for your or the children, or for being able to complete the job) I'd let her pay you it up, £25 a week? Until she'd paid enough for the new tyre.

Then she could have her bike back, and maybe she'd appreciate it more??

Sorry hope that helps. Didn't want you going to bed irrate!!!

Why on earth is she using a £500 mountain bike? I think that's probably a key issue here.

Did you give her some kind of warning re the financial implications for her if she left it unlocked again, and it was stolen/damaged? If not, I think it's a bit harsh to wade in and expect her to pay to be honest.

So sorry to hear you're not feeling well, wish you speedy recovery (I swear by echinacea)

As I was reading your post, I thought the same thing: cheapo bike is the way to go. Pay for stolen items over several weeks. Boy am I living up to my name these days! How amazing that Police found posh bike first time round!!!

She's not quite 20.

She uses that bike as it's a remnant from my old days (when mountain biking was my life) - before my disability which means I need an AP. I should point out we probably aren't your usual AP family, we aren't wealthy by any means - the AP is paid for our of my Disability Living Allowance to enable me to look after DS. So yes, slightly odd circumstances. I can't any longer use the bike so could feasible replace with a cheaper one but we don't have the money and my stupid sentimental self won't sell it, but mayeb I have to.

She doesn't need it for her job no - getting to the station for college and social life, so maybe that's an idea but I am a softie and hate bad feeling and so want it dealt with and would feel odd not allowing her to use it for 4 weeks or so - DH however feels she shouldn't be allowed to use it again full stop.

If she's just using it for a 5 minute trip to the station, then get a super-cheap second hand one - you might even find one on freecycle. Or ask around. I'd be horrified if someone lent me something that turned out to be so expensive, though I guess I'd accept that if something had happened, and if it was my fault, then I'd pay up.
Out of interest, if it wasn't locked properly, how is it that two locks have also gone? Sounds as if she did try...

I think you should get her a cheaper bike. And that's not a (totally) facetious answer.

The police didn't retrieve two of the locks which were just wound round the bike when it was stolen.

Ok, will look for a cheaper second hand bike and not replace the wheel I think. Would it be reasonable of me to ask her to contribute towards that? She knew how much it was worth after last weeks events (well before in fact) but understand it's not her fault it is an expensive bike.

Oh that took ages, so x post. But I still think cheap bike. DH swears by the local tip. He says its astonishing how good some of the bikes there are.

Dh gonna love me for suggesting he goes scouring the tip!

Will definitely look on freecycle in the morning, and failing that ebay.

Right, I MUST go to bed. Thanks for your help all. Just one last thing, and will check back in the morning... is it reasonable of me to ask her to contribute towards a cheap crappy bike given we're making the statement she can't be trusted?

Thanks!

Hi Weegle...
Cheap bike has to be the answer...AP's just have no respect for your stuff I've discovered in the last year, evidence being 3 car crashes, a broken window, disgusting rooms, torn bedinen, make up on carpets etc etc.
I would ask her to contribute £50 and pay it back over 2 weeks. I would provide her with the bike immediately but would make it clear any other loss or damage resulting from her stupidity, will involve her paying the full amount.

If it is only for her personal leisure use, I would just not let her use it.

If she gets a cheap hack, she will probably take even LESS care of it.

Let her walk to and from the station, that should teach her to take better care.

I would be furious. Good on you for not losing it. But seriously, you should get a cheap 2nd hand bike. If it looks like rubbish no one will nick it (hopefully). You can still read her the riot act about locking it up etc, but HER responsibility to replace it would be more affordable. My DH cycles to work every day (13 miles in total) and does it on a great bike which cost £100. You could probably get one for £50 or even less.

Oh just read that you're going to do that anyway. Yes of course she should contribute and possibly pay all. I would say at least £50.

If she keeps doing this kind of thing, do you really want her to stay? Maybe give her a warning??

Yes. Esp if she's not contributing to the tyre.

Does she want a bike? I'd ask that first, if she does, suggest that you'll go halfers or something?

Night night, hope you feel a bit better in the morning!!

I think if she has offered to replace the wheel then let her. However, did she offer, or was she pressured? You don't want her too upset and to up and leave (is she going home for Christmas already? might end up not returning )

Alternatively, don't replace the wheel, but offer to help her search for a cheap bike, which she can buy for herself. Then she might look after it better. If she doesn't want a bike, then that's her look out and she'll have a long walk. Point out that the cost of the new bike will be less than a wheel, and she'll probably jump at the chance.

I think she should pay a week's allowance, or she will never make the connection with income and outgoings. Plus get her a bike off Freecycle and put the good one away for a bit.

Your saga fills me with horror. I can't believe that someone wouldn't take adequate care of the bike, especailly when it's happened before. My current au pair is leaving this friday after barely 8 weeks-she's my fourth and overall I've been lucky. Mine has use of a car and used to leave it unlocked!!

i would ask her to pay the tyre as she was clearly irresponsible despite the previous accident.if she wants to bike she can pay for a cheap /i am sure you can get one for 50 or less/ one which you help to find. if the bike is still there when she leaves you can offer to buy it off her. that would teach her a lesson i should think. hope you feel better in the morning.

Thanks all.

We're going to look for a cheap second hand bike. She does want one - there's one friend she sees who it would be a long walk to, and it also means she's not in such a rush to and from college (which also helps me I have to admit). She's also starting some volunteering today which is going to be a long old plod in the cold without the bike.

I think £50 is what we're going to ask for. That's not quite one week's money. She offered without being pressured. She had time to stew on it after it happened - she arrived back (late because of walking!) and I had to dash out to a hospital appointment so there was only time for her to tell me (in tears), me to basically go "oh no, don't worry" (because I was in a panic about being late for the appointment and in a panic about it anyway, and she has a tendency to cry easily for a long time and needed to go!) and then she had two hours to think before we returned. We do want her to stay - she's certainly not perfect and seems to have a knack for breaking things and just being generally absent minded but she's better than nothing and trying to find someone else at this time of year!

Thank you everyone for helping us to be calm about this... really need to when you're sharing a home!