aupair stayed out till 5.30 am

[lune77]

ok .. we finally got an aupair a really nice girl from a small town.. 21 years old.. now ..as they are given two days off so friday she went out with her friends in the evening from the english course she just started last week and came back around 1.00 she apologized and i said that 12.30 would be have been better. then last night after coming home for dinner she asked whether she could go with her friends i said ok because she said she was going nearby... my husband stayed up till 2 waiting for her and then dozed off.. i woke up at quarter to five and when i realized she wasnt back i got extremely worried... she's young impressionable in a big city ...so i called her and she didnt pick her phone up so i texted her.. i got a text back after 15 minutes saying she was sorry had gone to central london with her friends and will be home in twenty minutes.. and so exactly in 20 mins she was back.. we didnt say anything then whenshe started to explain.. we were like just go to bed we'll talk in the morning.. soooo what do we make out of it.. she's been here two weeks.. we spoke with her parents before she arrived her mother came with her to bring her to london..but this is really irresponsible behaviour.. if she was getting late or had a change of plans she should have informed us... dont know what to make out of it... she's new here so maybe didnt realize how long the travelling would take but still that's no excuse for not calling and letting us know when we have provided her with a uk sim... is it represntative of her irresponsible nature ..and we should let her go.. or should we give her another chance..she's a good girl otherwise but this is very worrying!!! what do other aupairs do for curfews and night outs..because youngsters party also...but just dont know what to think..

is she working today, if not she has plenty of time to recover for tomorrow.

Did you want her to tell you she would be out all night - I think that's reasonable as you are responsible for her.

But otherwise, 21 is definitely old enough to do what you want on your days off - I had finished uni by that stage and was working all nights and most days (you have a lot more stamina when young don't you)

on her nights off and when she goes out with her friends my AP stays out late (til 4/4.30am sometimes). it is a bit annoying cos she's not the quietest of people when she comes in and the house is not huge so you can hear her (and her friend) creaking around but it's not all the time so i'm willing to let it go on the odd occasion.
It's up to you really but if it's not affecting her work then as long as she lets you know she will be late then you shouldn't worry about it, she is 21 after all and i know i stayed out late when i was that age!

She's 21 - 21 year olds stay out all night. No way should you be giving her a curfew unless she has full responsibility for your children the next day and you need her to be alert. But if is the weekend and her time off then let her have her freedom. I appreciate that you worried, but next time just agree that she texts you saying she is fine (and even then she might not be able to do so if she is in a club with no reception etc). From 17, all I had to do was tell my mum whether to expect me home before dawn or not - maybe that would suffice?

Our AP is also 21 and I would not be staying up to check she came home safely. If I thought that I would worry I would ask for a text at say 10.30 if AP knew she wasn't going to back til the early hours.
Our's went out Weds night and Fri night this week and I have no idea when she came home - I was asleep. But, she has a mobile phone which we pay for her calls on, and I have drilled into her that if she is in any trouble (misses last train etc) then she should not hesitate in ringing for us to come and get her. I think this is much the same as I would do for my own dd if she were 21.
I think it takes a while to get used to the responsibility of having an AP in your house - I used to get annoyed by not knowing if AP had eaten or not at weekends..but you get into a routine and know how much you can trust them to look after themselves quite quickly.

are you worried about the fact she is staying out or that she does not let you know? if the latter hopefully she could be taught to do so when you explain you are worried and cant go to sleep etc. but i am not sure whether you are not mothering her too much. surely she can go out during weekends /which i presume are her days off/ without having to ask permission. i think telling you she is going out plus where she will be and that she will be very late should be enough.
see also the other thread mumsnet.com/Talk/childminders_nannies_au_pairs_etc/642225-APs-and-staying-out-late-any-advice

Our AP text us at 4.30am this morning to tell us she wasn't coming home 'tonight'...

No s**t Sherlock!!

Our AP always stays out late on Fri/Sat nights- it's her time off, and although I worried at first (as she's 19), I now just let her get on with it.

I'm not her mother after all...

if she is not working for you today then tbh it is none of your business what time she comes home

assuming she comes in quietly and doesnt wake the whole house up!!

though good manners , and a text from her would have been niceif you did expect her in by 12.30

why did your hubby wait up for her? Does she not have a key?

i cant beleive a 21yr has to ask you if she can go out - isnt her spare time just that - her spare time!!

I have a simple rule which is if they are not coming home, or will be home after 12 midnight, they need to send a text. I make it clear I don't mind what they're doing, I just need to know they're safe.

Only one of our au pairs has had a boyfriend and I stopped asking her to text after a few weeks!

I worried when our au pair started staying out late - mainly for her own safety. I decided to have a chat with her about what was 'normal' for her, and in what situation she would like us to react and what would she like us to do? She said that she would let us know by text in the evening if she would be late/not back and that we were to worry/contact her parents/police if she hadn't returned by morning as expected.

She never failed, after that, to let us know what was happening - I guess she had set her own safety net and knew the consequences if she didn't abide by her own rules.

I also felt that we were treating her like an adult but extending the same level of care to her that we would show any member of the family staying with us, adult or not.

'she just started last week and came back around 1.00 she apologized and i said that 12.30 would be have been better'

She's 21 it's her day off it is not for you to say what time she comes home. She should not have to ask you if she can go out with friends on her day off. The text thing is fair enough if you are going to worry though.

I had au pairs some time ago now, but I set a rule of home by midnight if they were working the next day. If they weren't working then they could come back anytime, but if they were going to be very late I asked them to let me know by text in case I woke up and was worried about them not being back. I always left my mobile downstairs, so they could text any time to say they were going to stay at a friend's place etc. It worked well, I always thought they found it comforting that I cared if they were ok.

I don't think I would be alarmed about a 21 yeatr old staying out all night on a weekend. I'm sure I considered that perfectly normal behaviour when I was 21.

I would, hoever, think it's perfectly reasonable for her to tell you when she leaves whether or nor she is planning to come home that night.

Erm newsflash you are not her mother!!! If it is her free time then why on earth are you setting her a curfew or waiting up for her? She is 21 so has legally been an adult for 3 years!!

I think it is right you care and right that she lets you know before going out or during course of evening(not night) that she will be back late or not at all - however I think you should also go to bed when you want and not concern yourself with her. If you make her feel uncomfortable going out or having a life then you may find she won't want to stay with you.

Seems what she is doing is pretty normal and what you are doing is not normal in my opinion!

lune, it is a rock and a hard place imho.

An AP IS supposed to treated like one of the family, not an employee or lodger, so no sarcastic 'newsflash' necessary - you ARE in loco parentis.

Posters on here are quick to point out if we are 'exploiting' APs or treating them like employees/servants but expect you to treat them like independent adults when it comes to staying out all night!

I always insist on an AP being home by midnight if she is working the next day (preferably not so drunk she cannot help in the mornings) but when they are on/before days off a text saying if they are coming back or what time to expect them is all that I ask - I generally put the deadlocks on the doors once they let me know that they are staying out.

I'm an Ap and I can't imagine having a curfew. When I'm not working, my time is mine. I do however have the courtesy to text if I won't be coming back or if I will be out late. I only stay at my AP house about 3-4 nights a week.
I can see why some of you have curfews for 12 o'clock if the AP is working in the morning, but I think it's dependent upon the person. I work 5 mornings a week and sometimes get back to my AP house 5 minutes before I start work. I think if your AP is fit for the job then that is all that matters.

A bit harsh, simplyme. The OP is obviously genuinely concerned about this girl.

I do agree that a 21 year old is an adult. But, there are nicer ways of expressing this to the OP.

I'm sorry if it came across as harsh but I found the OP's post quite harsh too. She was saying that because the AP stayed out late and didn't tell her then she had an irresponsible nature and maybe she should let her go? Maybe the AP didn't think to let her know and will from now on.

Ok I can understand that OP might have been worried but why tell her to come in at 12.30 instead of 1 am and why did the AP ask if she could go out with friends? I have to say that I would find being 'controlled' like that too much!

Also you say she should be like one of the family and you are in loco parentis but she is not under age but 21!! Old enough to be a parent herself so I don't think she should be treated like a child.

You are right. The OP was a bit harsh as well. And I do agree that a 21 year old should be treated like an adult. My nanny is 19, and it has never occurred to me to install a curfew. Quite frankly, anyone who requires that level of looking after is going to be more work than help to me.

However, I do have a house rule that asks her to inform us if she is going to stay out all night as a courtesy to us. And she always does.

I am a live in nanny and always let my family that I will be out late or away. It is common courtesy when you live with anyone, family, friends employers etc.

As long as you get the boundary right of informing plans not asking for permission.

Also from looking at a similar post here re staying out late in week. I do think that is irresponsible. What you do in your own time is fine but working next day and staying out late is a big no no.

My bosses both leave the house at 5.30 am to work in the city. This means I am on call from that time. Normally the children aren't up until 7am but they could be up earlier which means I have to be too. I wouldn't dream of staying up late the night before as I know I would be tired cranky, affect my driving school run and would probably be snappy with the children. If I was then frankly I would not be surprised if my boss said something to me but if she said something to me on a Fri or Sat night then I would be very hacked off!!