AP and dilemma over visitors

[nvj]

hi, hope someone can offer some advice really...
my au pair who we've had some teething issues with (homesickness, misunderstandings, teenage moods!) but in general we get on well with asked us the other night if her sister could come and visit on a particular weekend. It's quite a few months away so i just said yes i'm sure it'll be fine but i will be very busy at that time but i'm sure it'll be ok and we won't need you at the weekend so she booked her flights. later on at dinner our au pair then said 'my sister asked if she could stay here...' and my husband said 'yes that's not a problem' before i'd even had chance to mull it over or before the au pair had even finished her sentence '... with her boyfriend!' it then transpires that they are coming from the Thurs night til the Sunday so will want to stay for 3 nights!
i'm really not happy with this and have been mulling if over all day. I feel as if we have been put on the spot a bit and i'm a bit cross that she even asked to be honest. I really don't want people i have met before around my children on the Friday when she is supposed to be working and I am really uncomfortable with the thought of another 2 adults that we don't know living in the house for 3 days... it's taken me 3 mths to get used to the au pair being around and even now i don't really like having someone else living in the house!(and took me 3 weeks before i felt comfortable for me to leave my children with her alone!)
i'm not really sure how to broach it now, do i just say i've had a rethink and although we're happy for them to stay on the Sat night we'd rather they found other arrangements for the other nights? I really don't want to upset her (v emotional girl!) but i'm not happy about being used as a hotel to be honest!
any advice or thoughts appreciated!
thanks!

oh and it also turns out that my husband prob even won't be around that weekend as he has a stag weekend!

I would try and put it politely, just saying that you hava had a chance to talk about it together and you would not feel comfortable having them to stay if your husband is not going to be around. Also, mention that you would feel especially awkward if they would want to be in the same room together, as you would not feel that it is an appropriate message to your children.

Have a look round your area for inexpensive B&B's and show these to her as another option rather than an expensive hotel.

Good luck

I had this with my first ap. It was a very similar situation. I was happy enough for it to be the female relation for a few nights but then it turned out that the new plan was for it to be the female relation plus male (hardly ever talked about) partner for just over a week. I said that I thought they should stay locally instead of with us and I helped her to check availability with local caravan parks, b&bs and the youth hostel and helped her with booking what she needed. She kept postponing it and I'm sure they ended up paying more than they would have done as they had to get a 3 bedded caravan instead of the 2 bedded they needed. They stayed one night in the youth hostel, too. When I met them I was so glad they hadn't stayed here. They'd have been a nightmare to have for a week. At one time it looked like there were going to be three separate lots of visitors and she was only our ap for 7 months! She really did think this was a hotel but that was her attitude to everything tbh. With my second ap, we invited her female relation to say here with us for the 3 nights and she was really lovely and so grateful to be saved the £50+ a night it would have cost her and our ap (because they'd have stayed together) to b&b. She was so nice it was a pleasure to have her here, though they were out and about for most of the two full days she was here.

As for your situation, as she is looking after your children on the Friday then unless you want to and can find alternative childcare for that day, I think it is reasonable to say that she can go out with her sister and the boyfriend after you are back from work but that she should care for the children as normal that day. As for overnight then if you're not comfortable with having people you don't know stay (and I've refused to have a work acquaintance of dh's once saying that he should be booked into a hotel and just have a meal here - I told dh this, of course, not the man!) then I think you need to say so to her and then help her find alternative accommodation. The "don't want to set a bad example" reason is a good one if your children are of the age that they'd notice and put 2 and 2 together and if you're consistent with other visitors i.e. unmarried family members and their partners and friends and their partners. If not, your ap might take offence. Hth.

thanks, i have been stressing about this all night as i know my AP is going to be upset about this. It is a bit difficult cos we don't live in a huge town so there is limited accommodation available but there is a travel lodge which at £50 a night i don't think is too expensive (between 2). if not then they can always stay in the nearest city and my AP can travel to them (it's not that far away). I just won't feel comfortable having another 2 adults in the house, it's just not big enough for a start!

am on a countdown until the AP leaves to be honest. am really struggling having someone living in the house but it is a necessity at the moment unfortunately!

for an aupair travellodge is expensive but that is not your problem. if you are for whatever reason not comfortable to have her guests to stay she needs to accept it.
families i work for usually let my sister come and stay for a week /more for her benefit then for mine/. but when i ask them i dont expect them to agree to it /but they have so far/

Oh, that's a tough situation!
We have had the opposite situation - AP asked us to recommend a cheap B and B so that her boyfriend could stay overnight somewhere nearby (he flew over with her to help her with luggage etc) and we suggested he stayed here instead Since then we have also played host to her mother who came on a sat morning and stayed til tues morning but our AP has enough space in her room for a visitor to stay and an ensuite bathroom so we don't have the bumping into strange men on way to bathroom problem..and when her mum was here they went out for every meal and watched tv in her room in the evening so we barely noticed her here. (And mum amused herself whilst AP did her full workload on the Monday)
I think that having 2 to stay at the same time, is too much of an imposition though, and I would be v cross at your dh for saying Yes..and I would tell him he had to find some way of backing out. Maybe look up some prices for nearby B and B or caravans etc and promise you'll help with picking up from airport..but they have to stay elsewhere.

Have you checked the travelodge for £19 deals?

Oh, this thread has just made me realise that we said current AP's mum can stay over when AP leaves (she is helping carry luggage back) and we've arranged next AP is going to overlap with current one for 1 week - we are going to have a whole house full that night

Hi nvj, all good advice you got.

Agree to just go back to aupair and reverse dh's decision as soon as possible.

I would not have agreed: my houserules state no overnight male visitors. Also, allowing family members to stay over is a perk and only one I give to good aupairs - the aupair's room is small and we have only one bathroom.

My last aupair had her sister stay with her in her room over a few days. Although I did not stipulate it, I hardly saw her sister at all who took it upon herself to stay out of our way. But aupair was a very lovely and proper German girl who always behaved impeccably with highest professionalism.

thanks for all your suggestions. i think if it was just her sister staying i wouldn't have a problem at all with her staying her but it's the fact it's her boyfriend aswell. my husband says he didn't hear her say that and i must admit she did leave it out the details until the last minute. i'm just going to say that we've had a think over the weekend and we don't really feel comfortable with having another 2 adults in the house for more than 1 night, (I'm not really happy with the one night but thought that was a bit of a compromise) and that they will have to stay somewhere else. I mean they had booked their flights before they asked if they could stay so it was all a bit presumptous!if they can't afford to stay in hotel or b&b then they really shouldn't be coming at all! it's only a month after the au pair gets back from her xmas hols anyway so not like it's been months since they saw each other!

Hi nvj

I agree this is a tricky situation and you must remember that it is your house and whatever you choose is right!! Perhaps you could say to AP that you wouldn't mind her sister staying providing it is in AP's room but you are not happy to have the boyfriend as well.

We've had this situation several times but it has always just been female family/friends staying. APs have never taken our house for granted and have been out all day with their visitor including for meals other than breakfasts. One AP even offered to pay for the breakfast (cereal) that her sister ate!! Visitors have always bought presents for dcs and us - obviously not expected but nice to receive.

I'd suggest that if you do agree to it you make it clear about meals otherwise you could end up being expected to provide food for 2 extra people!

Just say, "By the way, our nightly rate is £30 per person, payable in advance, cash only, so I'll take it out of your pocket money and you can get it back of them when they arive". The Travelodge will soon seem most acceptable!

thanks for all your comments.

just broached the subject by way of a 'chat' about how she is doing and feeling etc and that i was really happy with how she was with the kids etc and asked if she was still enjoying it all etc and then i just said there was a few things i wanted to go over and then mentioned her sister and boyf staying. I said i was happy for one night (ie the Sat night) but that was it. she was absolutely fine about it actually which was good, thought she might get a bit funny and moody but she was fine (unless it was a front and i get the moodiness later?!)
anyway thanks again!