what house work are au pairs supposed to help with?

[lune77]

We are getting an aupair as I really need a hand with my two preschoolers... i mean i cant even take a bath if my husband's not there... now as i have to write a letter of invitation i have no clue which household chores she can help me with .. i would feel really embarrassed if i wrote ironing and then i am told that aupairs dont iron for you.....

sustainably.. i plan to work from home.. from my dining room!!!.. and she will not have sole charge.. i just need her to keep the kids out of my hair when i am working on my drawings...and ofcourse i will be there in between..on and off and while she is doing chores i will be feeding the kids..the kids have dinner between 6 and 7 ... i dont think the chores will take more than an hour..i do them everyday... ironing two shirts and folding one wash from the machine doesnt take long ..agreed i could vacuum myself..the thing is i cant work with the kids around.. they never let me do anything ..even if i open a book they want me to put it down... they are 2 and 3...soooo i wont be working 3 to 8 non stop.. i will be there with them on and off.. at the age that they are..i cannot leave them alone at all..and focus on anything else.. my younger one does the craziest things.. like climbing behind the TV and hiding..so dangerous.. climbing into the sink... he sneaks away so quietly ...so if i am in the other room for an hour or two i need someone to be with them.. that's all.. and just help me save an hour of work in the evening so i can get some time with my husband.. it wont be like non stop hard labour from 3 to 8... i would never do that..my time table sounded very rigid.. but it was just a guide line...

I think the timetable sounds very reasonable - it's not sole care charge. She has her days free for language classes/seeing friends/sleeping in. The only thing I would do different is to bath the children with the ap on hand to help as I think a 2 & 3yo at bathtime is too much for an ap. Also I would put the children to bed myself as I think that is a lovely part of the day for snuggles, cuddles & kisses.

Make sure you use your ap for babysitting - maybe she could put the kids to bed that night - and you and dp can have some quality time together whether that be a meal out or just a quick drink in the local.

I also work from home, but do not consider myself available for childcare whilst working unless and emergency arises.

Therefore whilst I am working my AP is in sole charge. I'm sure most employers would also expect this. We run our own business and would expect the same of any of our employees.

Its fine to ask the AP to do any housework provided you state upfront exactly what you expect, that way you get no surprises and no unhappy AP. I agree with other comments tho when is she going to eat. Could she do some of her duties earlier and then finish at 7.30pm?. Our AP does 2 1/2 hour of housework a day. 2pm to 4.30pm Mon and Friday house clean/ Tues and Thurs ironing/linen change and Wed bathroom and kitchen extra clean. Mine even clean the silver once a month! Some AP's just want to do childcare, others are happy to do a combination role. My current AP is fussier than me and loves cleaning but I think she is a rariety!

Mine has all morning free except one when she does the house work that includes hoover, dust, cleaning the room, tydong the house and Kitchen. After 3pm she has got to be home when she helps with kids. I cook dinner but hse helps to tidy and she babbisits, I work evenings from 7pm so she will babysit as and when I need,. I have been out tonight and my dd was sick so I got a phone call saying that dd was sick on the bed. By the time I got back she had changed the bed, washed dd and put her back to sleep. I odn't htink dh would have odne that if he was on his own... For a start he would not know where to find the sheets for changing the bed!!! They are really worht it!

Sounds reasonable to me..

Mine does housework but that is on top of her AP duties for which she gets an extra £25 (which I would normally pay a cleaner) She said she wanted the extra money so I let her do it.

It is hard to work out an initial timetable but I find if there is more on it in the first place it is earier to take chores off than add more on IYSWIM..

I'm amazed at some the posts here. An au pair is not an employee, they are in the UK to learn the language by living in the home of a resident. They really shouldn't be in charge of pre-school children, as they are neither nannies nor childminders - think pay/CRB checks/ qualifications.

It's exploitation to have them looking after pre-schoolers.
Pay the price for the proper care of your children, THEN get an au pair when they're at school.

It is NOT exploitation to have them looking after pre-schoolers. The general guidance from AP agencies etc is that they shouldn't have sole-care for under-2's. By your statement you are implying that by having an AP in a home with only a 2 year old I am exploiting the individuals who come here to live as part of our family: are fed, cared for by us, taken on many and varied trips out by us (think £20-£30 day trip costs per adult), provided with a loving home and all their expenses paid for, mobile phone, railcards, the little things that make life good, lifts to the station to see their friends, the cost of their college course etc - all the things which don't come under the "pocket money" allowance they get each week and so presumably not accounted for when you accuse us of exploitation. My AP is alone with my 2 yr old for approx 4-5 hours per week out of her 25 hours, in the home, at the station or in the park - I am with them the rest of the time whilst she is either an extra pair of hands or helping with housework. It's not exploitation. I don't deny that there are families out there who don't use the AP as it should be but from my experience of posting within this topic on MN you won't find them here - and if you do, it'll be the host families themselves who are trying to convince them and explain to them why their expectations are wrong. Don't come here stating exploitation - most of us care for the girls who are/have been part of our families, older sisters to our children. They are not here on a free ride either, just to learn the language - they are here for the whole package - the whole cultural experience of living in a family in another country - all members of my family are expected to pull their weight and contribute to the smooth running of the household.

Every young person who wants to be an au-pair is different. Some will have childcare experiece, be that in a childcare setting, or being part of a large family where older siblings are expected to help out with the care of younger children.
Some au-pairs will be absolutely clueless (we've had the stories on here in the past).

lune - reading your posts, I think you have some other issues which need looking at. Your children's aren't babies, yet wake often during the night... why are they waking? With them waking so often, that is affecting your relationship with your DH, currently to the extent that you sleep in different rooms.

he leaves before we all wake up.. he gets back after the kids are in bed.
When do the children see their father? Just weekends? That's so he needs to see them and they need to see him.
my younger one wakes up 2 to 3 times a night
Why is he waking up, what is triggering that? Has it become a routine?
since my first one was born me and my husband don't even sleep in the same room.
It's been over 3 years since you slept together, I feel you really need to solve that one.
sleep training has never worked
What have you tried? Have you had someone else come in to do it, that can work as you need someone to show you what to do and support you though doing it.
i wish i'd enjoyed my time with my husband before the kids were born a little more...didnt realize it wouldnt come back.
That is so it shouldn't be like this. You should be enjoying lots of family time and some individual time with your DH.
Getting an Au-Pair may help with some housework, but it won't solve the sleeping problem and may make it worse. An Au-Pair is often still a child themselves, so you are introducing another (admittedly much older) child into your home... this could be a recipe for disaster. Sorry, I don't feel an Au-Pair is going to help you a lot... I feel you need to address the issues that already exist, before adding something else into the mix.

Nannynick, I also think the stress of having a live in may not help this situation. Far better to get an experienced mother's help each evening for a few hours to help with tes/bath/bed.

BUT as far as the point about DH being there each day, my DH is gone long before the DC wake and is regularly back after they are in bed. For 2 weeks out of every month he works away from home (US or OZ) he has a fantastic bond with the DC as we have quality family time at the weekends. It is not always possible for the main earner to work less hours.

I can sympathise with the night waking though, have a poor sleeper (severe SN) and it really takes its toll.

I go by the rules of aupair world and it states tht AP's are not meant to iron or clean communal bathrooms (she is only responsible for cleaning the loo, bath etc. if she is the only one to use it), she should not be expected to do your washing. we always ask our AP's to clean up after themselves and if we want any houswork doing then we pay them extra. Our last AP's have cleaned the house for £30 extra per week (cheaper than paying cleaner, but it means that they get extra money and the PLUS side is that the housework and childcare stay seperate so if you have any problems the two don't get mixed up.
having said that though, the AP does load the dishwasher after breakfast but she only works from 7am until 9am every day. oh and once a week i ask her to lay out DS1 clothes for school and help him tidy the playroom. TBH though my DH does this so it is more of a let's get DS1 to think he is tidying

I have never known an au pair that doesn't iron - maybe my ones have been unusual. The more I read about au pairs on here the less I see any point - all in with board and food costs they are at least £200 a week for us and it strikes me accoriding to many posts on here they can do little childcare and practically no house work. The role seems veryy expensive if you look at it like that.

I'm an au-pair and I am not asked to do any cleaning.
If I am 'on duty' as such then I will do household things if I have time, such as loading and unloading the dishwasher and the washing machine. I make dinner for the children and this includes cleaning up afterwards. I also lay out all their clothes for the next day and all the breakfast things. (There are four children).
I haven't heard about the rule of no sole charge care for under 2's before. I regularly have the youngest two children who are now 2 and 5 by myself. I sometimes have sole charge of all four children in the holidays.

the general rule is no sole charge of under 2- all the agencies recommend it - i think it is because AP's are not trained in childcare etc.
I agree AP's are not a cheap option - i would say ours costs us about £750 per month - what with gym membership, car insurance, additional head at restaurants, food, shampoo,soap, conditioner, sanitary products language school etc. the only reason we have one is because we need childcare first thing in the morning before 7am and the babysitting would cost us £80 per week without one + dog walking of £35 per week. It means that there is an extra person for the children to play with and if the children are ill then you cna pay them extra to look after them without worrying about taking time off work. i think anyone who thinks they are a cheap option is mistaken.

English springer - I can't believe you buy shampoo etc for your au-pair and you also provide gym membership. I want an au-pair family like yours!

Just about to say the same thing! Can't believe that is usual?? Very sweet though.

i just figure that it is so expensive - seriously all that beauty stuff with tampax etc. costs about £15 per month - i think that is a lot when you are on a budget - maybe i am soft but i just figure that these girls are looking after my kids and i put a list on the wall of what is needed and they can write what they like - obviously if they put rediculous things then i would put my foot down but otherwise i set aside a food budget of £35 a week for them - i figure they eat different cereal, different milk (we have blue top), different fillings, they are eating lunch and dinner every day - if they go out to London or langauge school then i make them a packed lunch - they all seem to eat tons of fruit as well.

I have never been AP myself but my best friend was and friends.
So cleaning was a real big issue sometimes. I have heard different stories. But AP is meant to look after kids!!!drop off to school, pick them up, cook dinner for kids and clean after them. Once my friend had a bathroom of her own so she wa cleaning that bathroom only, And if they agreed before -looking and helping with pets.

AP buys herself the food she likes, all the toileteries,And Ought to go to language school.
And if you want your AP help you with some house chores than you must pay extra. AP is not a maid,right. You help each other. that is a meaning of AP.

Agree with Jura, AP are expected to help with light housework.

I also agree that I am more horrified by families using APs as cheap nannies - I had always thought this was a MN myth BUT recently got called and asked for a ref for my last summer's AP.

Before I gave my full ref I asked what AP would be doing, answer sole charge of 1 yr old and part care of 3 yr old (also at nursery) 4 days 10 hours per day! She was 17 when she was with me and would be 18, nearly 19 when she started this job. There is now way she was up to this, a perfectly lovely girl but was hardly in sole charge of my then 3 yr old and 7 yr old.

She had a real can do attitude and rose to many challenges (camping out in garden with oldest DC, climbing trees to pick plums in our orchard -as we all were- leading poinies with me up the lane between fields etc) but I wouldn't have left her for 10 hours with my children.

Oh, I remember working 10 hour days when I was an AP... And wasn't even allowed to leave the house over the weekends, in case mum and dad needed me to babysit. No need to say I left the family soon after that.

I think the hours sound perfectly reasonable and it is generally considered okay to allow APs sole charge of children >2 yrs. Of course, it all depends on the age and experience of the AP. Some are as young as 18 and others may be in their mid 20s with far more confidence. Also, a lot of them have plenty of experience with small children in their home country and may enjoy playing with children. Indeed, I think that is one of the main reasons why these girls choose to AP (obviously they want to improve their English too).
As far as the housework goes, I wonder whether it would be better to give her a list of chores that you would like her to be responsible for eg laundry/ ironing but give her the flexibility to do them when she chooses. She may wish to do 2 or 3 washes every other day and iron once a week or to do the chores in the morning. I think that would be treating her in a slightly more adult way as opposed to presuming that she prefers to do things in exactly the same way as yourself (no offence meant at all)! It is fine to ask the au pairs to help with light housework/ ironing, etc provided you pay appropriately and that they are happy to do it.
Another thing that would be sensible because of the ages of your children would be to find a girl who already has a good level of English. My children are quite young too- 6 and 3 years and have got frustrated in the past if the au pair recurrently dosen't understand them. An older child may have more patience.
Anyway, good luck finding a nice girl. It may help even help you to spend a little more time with your husband and give you the energy to tackle your children's sleep problems!

I cannot believe that aupairs are costing £750 a month and sometimes not even doing any cleaning. If they are also not having sole child care then what on earth are they doing for 25 hours a week. I may be clueless but I don't buy special food for the ap unless she asks for something I just make sure that we have a fully stocked fridge and she can help herself to that. I would not dream of buying toiletries for her or giving her gym membership. I treat her kindly and with respect and all my aupairs have stayed longterm. I think aupair world is having a laugh, no cleaning and no sole childcare. Aupairs are here to learn englis yes, but they are not on a jolly and I am not a charity. I provide her with a nice room in a nice house in a nice area where a weekly rent would cost her well over £120 and she does cleaning ironing and a bit of dropping off at school / helping with bathtimes / playing with the kids. I would say nearly £200 in value for a 21 hour week is pretty good, it works out at nearly £10 an hour plus she gets food and no bills. I don't see the problem.

Just wanted to add that our au pair costs us about £100 Week in food (more the rest of us together) not £35. She has no idea of economising at all which is why she costs us abot £1000 a month all in.

I am really worried about the 'secret' costs that I may be making my au-pair family pay. I really want to ask them how much I cost them? I hope it's nowhere in the region of some of the figures that have been mentioned here.