Any books on how to be an au pair parent?

[moeaw]

Hi - We've had a few au pairs, but I find that I don't know many other families with au pairs and would love to have something that was an a to z of being an au pair parent. Also the agencies have support groups for the au pairs but not the parents so there isn't that much help there.

I know you get better at it after a few au pairs but it would be nice not to have to learn everything the HARD way..... Any suggestions?

I think Mumsnet is a good place for support.

You do need to know a few things before getting started, and I think you can do this from websites like Aupairworld.

But it is more the interpersonal stuff where support is needed.

I'm not sure a book is the way to go because it is too static and one-way flow of info. Chatting with other families works really well.

I don't know of anything moeaw. Sorry.

Am slightly frustrated with current aupair. Having asked very carefully during the interview if there were any eating issues or dietary concerns that would prevent her from sharing family meals, I now discover she has a cholesterol problem.

So instead of eating with us as a family at weekends she hides in her room. Her cholesterol problem apparently does not inhibit her from drinking vast quantities of diet coke and instant cappucino and eating masses of chocolate, so that is what she does.

Of course it might be our cooking ... but you know we both like cooking and cook every meal from scratch. With lots of vegetables and stuff.

Sorry, I just realise I have gone off at a tangent.

I don't know of any books but I would also say that Mumsnet is good for chatting about how to deal with au pair behaviour and general support.
We are a novice host family, having had our first au pair for the last couple of months..but having talked to other people with au pairs the 'problems' tend to be so specific between the family and the au pair that I'm not sure that a book could cover all the permutations! Things that I am very happy with with my au pair, I'm sure would drive some people mad and vice versa.
Quattro - my au pair has gone from eating with us in the first week, to making herself a hot meal (I think about 3pmish) and then not eating in the evenings most nights - which I don't particularly mind but it means that I buy/make too much dinner and twice last week came home to find that she had eaten key ingredients of our dinner... but hey..comunication is the key I guess, so we'll have to come to some sort of agreement.
We have au pair's mother staying with us this weekend which is another situation I didn't expect to be in! (and also causes uncertainty with who is eating which meal when)

Good points - and I've got a new problem with our au pair which certainly wouldn't be covered in any book. She wants to be a journalist and has just been accepted to do an article by a newspaper for her nation in London (so no names) but they've just sent her out today without pay to deal with criminals on a story to report in the paper... DH and I were so surprised we didn't have an immediate appropriate response as she left the house innocently telling us about the story(she's v bright but 18 and only with us 4 weeks, so only in the country 4 weeks. The more we've thought about it the more concerned we've become for many reasons so I'm going to have to have a serious conversation that I don't think could ever be covered in a book.

Also, mentioned it to DH and he suggested we need to read a book about living with teenagers!

Millarkie, on the food front - I've had different difficulties with each of our au pairs on this front. I've found out the HARD way it is something you just have to be very clear on. Often they eat as guests for a few weeks and then it all can change. If you don't have an open discussion on what you expect and they need and need meal wise it can lead to some real annoyances.

Food can feel very personal when you're favourite chocolate treat for those moments when you feel you need it have disappeared, they've decided that your breakfast cereal this week is more interesting than the one you bought in for them at their request and you have nothing for breakfast, or you end up chasing them to eat the lovely food you've just cooked because you thought they were going to eat with you (all situations I've had). I just think because they don't have to buy and prepare the food its like home with their parents where they have been used to their parents having food in for them, they just forget you're not their parents when it comes to food and different families can have quite different ways of eating....

Enough on that, but it was a good distration - but I'm still wondering should I phone our au pair and make sure she's okay or will that alienate her for the conversation I need to have with her when she does get home. DH has said that I have to ask her to leave if she can't understand the issues behind the risks she's taking for herself and ultimately our young family:-(

Sorry this has been a bit of a long rant.

Can you text her asking her if she will be home for supper?

I would be a bit worried too, but also realise that she is not my daughter and is an adult.

We have had aupairs who have been very good at keeping in touch and letting us know when they will be home, but others who are very independent. We have found that many girls, especially Germans, have often had a flat of their own for a couple of years before becoming an aupair, so are not used to apron strings. I usually determine how involved their parents were in their lives at the start, and then do just a little bit less.

As for eating together, I like to have at least one meal together per week. Our aupairs have usually been happy to eat on their own, or with the younger children when they are on duty, or go out. It suits us, and suits them. It can be a little cloying if they are there for every family meal, but worrying if you never eat with them. It is important to touch base and know what they are up to.

I'm on my 2nd ap and find MN such a boon. I read the ap threads avidly (nerd emoticon needed) for info, tips and stories of situations others have had and how they've dealt with them.

Someone recently had a problem and a timetable was suggested which helped her situation and I think I need to do this so that work time doesn't automatically suffer when the social life hots up and so that I get my 25 hours in the week not three to five less every week. Likewise with meal planning or else we'll be eating ap's favourite foods too often and not our normal (cheaper but good wholesome stuff cooked from scratch) family meals. I think us having a sandwich and fruit at lunch and eating a cooked tea is getting to the ap and us eating around 6pm not 7pm+. I'm not budging on those two things though!

I don't know if that answers your question but you're not alone!

There's a little bit in Libby Purves' "how not to be a perfect mother" iirc.