Is AP being disrespectful, or AIBU?

[Bettyboobird]

Hi all, I posted the other day about AP that won't eat. That now seems to be the least of our worries.

I know Geisha has posted a similar thread, so I'm sorry if this is repetitive, but here goes.

AP only arrived a week ago, so I've been putting things down to settling in issues, but I feel really upset this evening.

Basically, she has sole care of the dc in the morning until they go to the childminder/nursery after lunch. As she is here predominantly for child care (which we agreed before she arrived), I haven't burdened her with chores, I've simply asked that she picks up after the children when she's on duty and on a Monday that she changes the girls' beds and does their (one load of) laundry. Now I think that is reasonable. Apparently not...

She complains constantly about the girls' behaviour, "dd1 was so annoying today", "I couldn't do anyhting right for dd2-she was never happy" But today she really upset me. It was dd1's first session at 'big girl's school' (the nursery attached to her primary school) so she wore her uniform for the first time etc. I was really disappointed because as I was at uni all day I couldn't be the one to take her. I thought about her all day and was so excited to come home and hear how she had got on (I knew she'd already be in bed). As soon as I walked through the door I was bombarded by the AP with what an awful day she had had because dd1 had cried and hadn't been helpful etc etc. When I asked about her going to school, she just moaned that she had cried (dh took her in the end). The childminder has also written in their daily diaries that the girls were both tired and upset today-which makes me feel like such a crap mum having to leave them with child carers.

dh later told me that when he got home from work AP hadn't done any of her jobs at all and the house was in a disgraceful state so he did the girls' laundery and changed their beds, before showing the AP again how to tidy the toys away, clear up after their lunch (the breakfast bowls from the girls' porridge were still in the sink too when he got back with the girls at 5pm) Apparently, she ran out of time, but still managed to wath 2 DVDs this afternoon

We are trying to be nice to her, and I think she is being disrespectful of our children (who are usually well behaved) and our home (which used to be so clean and tidy, and now looks like a permanent nuclear fall out zone-sob!!)

She only works 25 hours per week, we buy her special food which she requests, we cook her an individual meal every night because she won't eat our meals, we've taken her out places, we pay her good money-and still she does BUGGER ALL round the house and seems to dislike the children-AIBU??

To top it off, she and dh are downstairs now laughing away together watching a DVD whilst I am upstairs worrying over this situation.

Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling pretty low right now

cupsoftea-no childcare at uni.

Do you not think it is worth trying to work this out? I really want her to stay as in essence she is a lovely girl-just very very naive to how a home is run

ok, well that's a start,...
Did you take any time to go through everything with her on a day to day basis? Can you?
I would write an timetable detailing everything that has to be done on 15 min intervals, I think then spend a day or 2 with AP following it so she can see exactly how things should be done.

no, I wouldn't cancel her Betty, she just needs some help to get started

Ingles-we have given her a very detailed timetable, maps, meal plans. Introduced her to all of the people we felt she may come into contact with, and dh took 2 days off to orientate her (I physically can't take any time off from my course, but I will be home tomorrow and Thurs for study days) It is also her bday tomorrow so I'd better give herthe day off-do you when it is your AP's bday?

I am happy to email you a copy of my timetable so that you have a starting point to make your own.

It is not the best I'm sure, but mrsr was once kind enough to send me hers so I feel it only appropriate to pass the favour on.

You need to give her structure to her day, otherwise she will not do things as and when you expect them. I think a detailed timetable and physically going through it with her can be helpful - I always work the timetable with APs for the first few days (or whole week if they have less common sense) eg, this is how WE clean the childrens bathroom and do it together, same for everything on there.

Good luck.

Betty, our AP also had no initiative and needed to be told in detail what we needed her to do and in the minutest detail.

I wouldn't give her the day off on her b/day, we are pretty chilled out anyway and our Ap has had a few days off so she could take long weekends away. I would bake or buy her a cake and present and make a fuss of her in the morning, then back to normal.

you really are too nice to her!

Aaah but is she using it Betty? Make sure she has the timetable with her at all times and follows it.
As for Birthdays, yes I make a little bit of a fuss, cards and small pressie(toiletries and a dictionary usually) in the morning and then their choice of dinner, cake and a dvd with popcorn in the evening. I also get dc's to paint a Happy birthday sign. little things will help them feel part of the family.

Don't give her the day off! you are being too nice

marmaduke that would be lovely, thank you.

My email is [email protected]

I think I will use the next two days to reorientate her myself.

Got to go now, will check emails later MS!

I don't think many AP's have initiative when running a home, afterall they are not nannies, just young girls. The best thing is to be absolutely clear on what has to be done and when - did she know that your little one has a nap then? Perhaps she is confused and floundering and would appreciate very firm guidelines. If your youngest always has a nap at x time, then type that on to a timetable and stick it to the kitchen wall. Add in other tasks - like "12.15 lunch: e.g. cheese on toast, ham sandwich & carrot etc" - make it absolutely crystal clear. If there are to be any deviations to the standard timetable then tell her the evening before, or write it on a not paperclipped to the timetable - tell her you will do this. And the way to make sure this happens to your standards is to spend a few days with her saying "now do this, see the timetable says this", and then gradually stepping back to check she's got it - if you can't do this during your study days could DH?

And I wouldn't give her the day off for her bday - for AP's bdays I normally do a cake and their favourite meal in the evening, and give them a gift. Get DC to make cards.

Repeat every morning exactly what it is that she must do at what time, and get her to repeat it back to you and to tell you explicitly that she agrees with it, or if not why not.

Have sent it

Weegle is right about writing what for and when lunch should be, I once presumed an AP would give my DD lunch whilst I was at a hospital appt with DS.

Left at 11.30, on my return at 1.30pm, DD said, "I'm glad you are home mummy I'm really hungry." I was that AP wouldn't think to give a (then) 7 yr old lunch at lunchtime! (also that Dd didn't demand to be fed, obviously on best behaviour!)

just adding my bit - detailed timetable and repeatedly asking / prodding in the right direction / giving some guidance.

Our last AP was terrible at doing any chores whatsoever until you asked her. she would do whatever she was asked, but just didn't think to do it herself.

Timetable and associated lists are the best thing - keep with her for a couple more weeks to try and work it out if you can

and birthdays - cake, small present and we took our last one out to lunch on the day which she really seemed to like.