Help my AP is eating me out of house and home and now dh had enough- advice please

[Julesnobrain]

We have a nice Czech AP who has been with us now for about 3 months. She's a big girl but not fat.We noticed straight away how much she ate but that was compared to the last one who was anorexic !! After todays eating dh has told me to get rid of her but she's actually really good with the kids, very reliable, steady and good at cleaning. We have just got back from our hols. She stayed in the house (it was OK thank you ladies for your advice on this one). I left a freezer full of home cooked meals with a day by day schedule plus snacks plus an additional £20 for milk, bread and salads. When we came back we spent £200 and stocked up and she has literally spent all day eating aghhhhhhhhh. Today she has had 2 bowls of cereal, a proper cooked lunch (chicken, veg, mash etc), a loaf (yes a full LOAF less the 2 crusty slices) of bread, half a family size/large block of cheese, a quarter large jar of mayonnaise, 4 apples, 3 yoghurts, 2 muffins, 3 packets of crisps, 1 tin of tomato soup, half a packet of rich tea biscuits and a 2 litre bottle of lemonade. Now I know its deeply sad that I know all this but due to her eating 2 family sized jars of mayonnaise in a week before we went on holiday dh had asked me to monitor what she ate. We are honestly not a mean family and I think we eat heathy sized portions ourselves but this does seem an awfully large amount of food and it is costing us a fortune. I don't want to get rid of her and I don't feel its appropriate to change her conditions and request she take a food allowance ( I think £25 - £30 a week is going rate?) but have any of you had this problem, how did you handle it, did you start a special ap shelf of food? dh is threatening to start buying tesco branded mayonnaise and label it just for her which seems really mean. I have asked her if there was special food she would like me to buy but she has said she likes everything... which she does......... any advice please. sorry its such a long post

That amount of food screams compulsive overeating to me. I'd say she may have a problem.

oh, x-post with stitch and anna!
I think it's a possibility because I binge when unhappy/depressed and it is because the physical feeling of fullness pushes away the emotional emptiness for a while. Then it comes back and you can't cope with the emotions and so feel compelled to eat again to push it back.

Of course, she may just be a greedy pig but she may be really struggling.

catepilarr, there's no need to be so defensive. It's not so long ago that Germany was split into East and West, and everything on the Eastern side of the border was considered Eastern Europe- it was not just a geographical thing, but a political thing too. Now, I've just looked at a recent map of Europe, and the centre appears to be somewhere around Frankfurt, so the Czech Republic is definitely to the East of that. I'm sure tmmj did not mean anything derogatory by her comments about Eastern Europe.

Yes, without being too geographically correct, I would regard Czech Rep as as 'CEE' ie Central and Eastern Europe. However the connotations that come with that acronym lean towards the Eastern bloc due to political and economic rather than geographical reasons.

Also my German (Mannheim, so not the middle of nowhere) AP cannot get over our supermarkets - they mostly have Lidl and Aldi - and the choice we have, so it is normal to assume that some countries do not have the same foodstuffs that we do.

Agree with Mamadukescarlet's approach.

If however, it is a big enough problem, combined with others, to want to get rid of the aupair - which in this case, is not - then if you are prepared to alienate this aupair, I would suggest a weekly snacks budget for her to buy whatever she likes. Or even worse, I would cite chapter and verse - my contract stipulates I provide 3 square meals and no snacks.

Otherwise, there must be a little give-and-take, so cheaper food. It is easy for us because I only do a weekly shop and if things run out, they generally run out. And we cook pretty much from scratch for each meal, so she cannot be snacking on uncooked food in the meantime.

OK, makes no difference to me if the AP Czech or Slovakian, but I'm still a laughing after reading what she eats! Truely phenominal!

I think the best think you can do is say to her you'd noticed she really likes certain things, and that you would like to buy her extra food for herself - then stock up on Tescos branded, or even Aldi; she'll proably be thrilled - tell her it's to make sure she doesn't run out. I doubt she'd mind branded stuff atall!

Mamadukescarlett, my last aupair was German as well. Right in the centre of Germany in a fairly rural area. She said she cannot believe the choice of food we have in UK supermarkets. Then again, they naturally also get lots of things we cannot find here - like German sourdough bread. She was eternally grateful I put her speciality German bread on my weekly shop - cost a small fortune for a tiny amount. But she was vegetarian and did not eat a lot and was more concerned with slimming and felt our bread was making her fat. She was noticeably more svelte when she left!

You have to decide what your priorities are. Being great with the kids, reliable, and good at cleaning means that she is checking all the important boxes.

No aupair is perfect, and her food consumption is the area where she falls short.

Talking to her is the right answer, but I have never been good at disciplining them, or setting expectations after the fact. YOu may have said to her at the beginning to help herself to anything, and she's taking you up on that! Do get own-brand/value, or small jars.

I would suggest that whatever you do, cut out the fun food for a few weeks so that she can't eat it without her buying it herself. Yes, it's a drag for the rest for the family, but you'll live.

When you do a big shop, do tell her that the food needs to last xx number of days, and label anything specific that you need for a specific meal. If she doesn't change her behaviour, then have the big talk.

Looking at your list of what your aupair ate in a day, my 16-year old could do that, although I don't buy crisps, cakes and biscuits. If I did, they would disappear too.

Be nice to her if you are going to have a chat with her. She may have an eating disorder and feel really upset and embarrassed that it has been spotted.
Or she might jusr like her food! Either way, go easy on her. If she is doing a good job with the kids, then surely that is what is important.

If she is so good, it would be a shame to let her go without even having a talk with her about it. Really difficult to raise it, but she maybe has no idea that you are bothered.

If it was me I would keep the discussion focused on the cost/meal planning issues so it doesn't come across as a dig at her eating habits.

Good idea to get her a shelf/cupboard with her own stuff.

at the full loaf of bread though

you lot that can afford an au pair and dorset cereals make me laugh

but I'm only jealous

sounds like she may have an eating disorder
I mean I c an EAT but not that much in one day

but seriously thogh does it really cost you that much more?
I mean your shopping bil must be HUGE anyway

I think it's reasonable to have a chat and point out that her appetite is much bigger than anyone else's in the family, so you will cater for her accordingly. Then you can point out that you're not rich and you are going to find a shelf for her stuff for when she needs to eat an extra three course meal snack.

As she is an adult, you can't tell her what and when to eat, I think. As it's your budget, you can choose what brands to provide. I would push the financial issue,and gloss over the mega-eating. Either she'll get the hint/wake up call, or she won't. Either way, she isn't your responsibility.

Maybe you could involve her in the shopping, so she sees how much is being spent?

"As she is an adult, you can't tell her what and when to eat, I think."

I disagree. This AP is living as a member of a family. She should eat the meals provided.

I was thinking of her eating 'unhealthy food' - it's her business.

I think providing meals is right, and I agree she should eat with the family, not refuse then eat alone later etc. But I don't think this is what the au pair is doing. She's eating with the family, hten eating a pile more on top, which is denting the budget. I'm talkign about the pile on top. If she needs to eat more, then it should be provided, within the family budget. In a way, and however tactfully it can be managed, what needs to be said is

1. YOu eat waaaaayy more than us
2. We can't afford it
3. We're buying you cheaper food to fill up on in addition to meals you eat with us.

The above needs rephrasing kindly, but I think that's the message. If that's how much she eats, that's how much she eats. Maybe give her an extra £10 a week to buy her own snacks - then perhaps she'll get the money issue.

lol at hungry caterpillar

Yes Fabio agree.

yes, the very hungry caterpillar comes to mind.

no advice except buying loads of cheap starchy foods and value mayonnaise.

I do agree with Fabio that if that's how much she eats, that's how much she eats. DH and I seem to eat way more than the average, but we're both quite slim, and are just hungry. The AP is eating slightly less than my DH does in a day, but more than me. Not that much more though

We're on a budget, so there's lots of oats, lentils, brown rice and cheap cuts of meat involved in feeding us all. eg yesterday DH ate 4 large bowls porridge, 3 bacon sandwiches, 8 ham and tomato sandwiches, 6 pieces of fruit, 2 packets of crisps, 5 portions of chilli con carne (bulked out with lentils & veg) with brown rice, six hot cross buns, and a WHOLE fruit cake (from my Mum, who likes to make sure he isn't fading away...). Yes, his name is Michael Phelps No not really. But he does seem to burn a lot of calories in a day.

I once had a family I was staying with as a sort-of au pair ('sort of' because I was 17 and they were too cheap to pay for a proper one), complain that I ate too much. I moved out the next day, and went home to eat my way through my parents fridge instead... I suspect unless handled carefully this AP is likely to take it the same way.

wow - does seem a lot of food - hubby eats like that sometimes, and worse than that - he a slimjim!!! grrr

but if it is seriously affecting your budget, then you do need to speak to her gently about it - maybe suggest 3 set meals, and have a snack drawer for her

I don't think you can tell her what to eat or how much - and I'm not sure if it's any of your business if she does have an eating disorder, apart from to support her if she chooses to get treatment.

Also be careful about assuming this as eating does vary sooooo much from person to person. My DH eats like a horse - quite literally enough for 2 normal people - and is lucky enough to have a metabolism that just burns it off. If you come from a family that can survive (and even gain weight!) on a reasonably meagre diet (as I do) then it is a huge shock to see how much some people can shovel away.

But there's no point in letting it fester - I would tell her that you are providing 3 meals a day and that she needs to buy extra treats/snacks out of her own money or stick to staples (is a loaf of bread really going to break the bank?). Also have a word with her about basic kitchen courtesy - ie don't use all the bread/milk/juice etc unless you make sure you replace it.

Are you Mrs Phelps, becstar?

Oh goodness. LOL at Hungry Caterpillar. When I read it I thought of The Tiger Who Came to Tea - "didn't just eat one bun, but ALL the buns on the plate, drank all daddy's beer, all the water in the taps etc etc".

It sounds to me like an unhealthy amount to eat and v. likely that there is some sort of disorder / comfort eating going on. Needs to be handled sensitively.

I think you need to stress that she can't just use anything in the fridge as you need it to prepare meals and set aside a designated snack zone full of cheaper stuff. Stock up on cheap, filling stuff - digestive biscuits, baked beans etc etc.

Hey

Feel for you hun! I had a similar post last week. My au pair is also from the Czech republic and probably a size 0! I spoke with my au pair about the amount she eats and drinks but for some reason she is very defensive and would jump down my throat.

She too can get through a jar of mayo in a week the amount she puts on one burger Euk!

Well I've had to speak to her a few times as she constantly ignores what I say, I think the crunch came when she helped herself to my very expensive coffe maker used all the wrong pods and very nearly broke it! She was defiant she knew how to use it though!

The kids havent taken to her and she has now decided to leave because as she puts it I told her to eat toast and pasta! Thank God she is going on Friday and we have a new girls coming next week!

The thing is it was causing too much tension and I was beginning to resent her so I think its best all round that she's leaving.

You need to sit AP down have a chat expalin what your issues are and then set some rules give it a few days to see how it goes. If that soesnt do the trick how about giving her a food allowance so she has to buy her own then she will realise she needs to budget. If that doesnt work she needs to go as the resentment will build up no matter how good she is with your kids!

HTH

Not sure I agree that it's because she is from the Czech Republic...they do have food there!

I think she eats a HUGE amount and understand it's not financially viable.

I think approaching the situation with tact is essential. Perhaps you could ask her what she would feel about having her own food budget so she can buy what she likes, ie indicate that it might be an extra "fun" responsibility for her to take on.

where does she find the time to look after the kids? it would take me all day to eat that much !