opinions/thoughts, please... ?

[Missuseff]

Hi - my 18 mo DS has injured himself twice in 6 weeks in the same way in the same place at his CM house: falling on a corner of the stone patio/deck by a brick bbq, teeth into his lip, big cut, bloody, swollen, bruised, etc. The first time she did a report in her log. The second time, nothing was offered so I asked for a copy of the report and also mentioned that my DH and I were a little concerned that the same thing had happened twice in such a short space of time.

She reacted by telling me the next day that she didn't feel able to look after my DS any more because she can't keep him wrapped in cotton wool and kids get hurt and we're holding her too accountable and she's too stressed.

This was the first time we've ever raised anything with her in the whole time she's looked after him - nearly a year; I did it in a non-confrontational way; I was calm and polite; plus she's never said anything to us about our relationship or anything being a problem.

She now has said she's prepared to continue to care for him but is going to give us a list of her concerns/conditions which we'll need to follow/agree to...?

We do not want to lose her as she does do a great job with our son and he loves her - but this all seems really weird and sudden, so I would really welcome honest feedback/reactions from any CMs or nannies as well as parents... thanks!

Firstly I will just say, you did the right thing. You should have raised this concern with her and like you said, you did it in a non-confrontational(god that's a long word!!) way.

I know as a CM I feel horrible when a mindee has an accident. She is probably feeling very qilty that she didn't sort the patio out to stop this happening again. However she handled the situation badly, to say the least.

I would try and talk to her again about it.

i cant understand why, if he did it once, the object of concern was not covered, removed etc. she should have got you to sign something everytime. why are some of these cms so aggresive when a parent raises a concern......they give the rest of us a bad name.

imo find a new CM who will remove/mend something that had seriously injured child!!!

As a cm it is REALLY horrible when one of your mindees hurts themselves.

Im sure you didn't mean it that way but for the cm to suggest that she didn't feel able to care for your ds anymore means that she must have felt you were being accusatory of her performance while caring for your ds. Im not condoning her reaction at all, just suggesting that she must have felt she had GOOD reason to feel unable to carry on.

TBH rather than the accident (not from your ds point of view obv) I would be more concerned about the fact that she hadn't completed the accident book for the second incident and that you had to ask her for it....if it has happened twice she should also be doing a risk assesment and suggesting ways of avoiding further incidents.

I have a little boy who is 16mnths and he kept falling over in different areas of the garden (our garden is all concrete). I have asked the parents to sign a consent to allow him in the garden under supervision and also completed a risk assesment where I have made suggestions on how to minimise the risk of further injury, eg no running, moving the water table away from the wall so he doesn't fall on the wall WHEN he falls over.

Unfortunatly children that age do fall over and lots!! Also for families where that child is the only one the kind of play is very different at home than it will be at the CMs where there are lots of biggies to play with, much more hectic and speedy!!

I don't think you are being pfb, just that you need to work together to prevent it happening again and cm needs to make sure she completes all her docs properly.

AND of course fixes the bit that is causing injuries!!!

IMO the issue of the accidents is relatively minor and could be sorted out. The real issue is her completely bizarre reaction to you raising her concerns. Parents and CMs need to be able to discuss their concerns in a reasonable constructive manner and if this is not possible then I would look for a new CM.

BTW I have been in a similar situation and regret spending so much time and emotional energy trying to fix a situation that was never going to work.

Thank you, everyone - I feel quite reassured that I wasn't wrong to advocate for my son in this regard!

We do think she's great and we absolutely do trust her with him and appreciate that it's just as stressful (in another way) when the child you look after gets hurt. we want to work with her, we just don't get her reaction and wonder what else is behind it?

And it's as you say, love2sleep, the issue is less him getting hurt than her quitting because I said (and I quote) "we are a little concerned that he's done the same thing again so soon, can we talk about problem-solving around it to help avoid it in future?"

Thank you for your points, littlestarchildminding, and your suggestions - we'll see what her list of conditions is like, I guess...

Such is the delicate balance we all face in our respective roles!

I really feel for you.
I suspect that what is happening is that she is getting defensive and is taking your comments as criticisms of her care. Whereas you seem to be very happy with her care and just want to discuss things in a constructive way, she seem to be interpreting your comments as fault-finding. I think her "list of conditions" will give you a useful insight into what is going on in her head. There will probably be all sorts of issues that you are blissfully unaware of that she will have been stewing about for weeks.

You have to get this sorted as IMO even if she is utterly fab with your LO it is vital that you are able to discuss things in an open way. This will only get more important has he gets older because his needs will get more complex and there will need to be continuing co-operation between the two of you. In the ideal world you should get the feeling that you and your CM are working as a team in the best interests of your child and IMO if you don't get that "we're on the same team" feeling then there is trouble ahead.

BTW I'm no expert on all this but have worked with 3 different CM that ranged from bonkers to perfect.