Baby crying at darker skinned nursery worker at stay & play session today

[Georgia324]

My 10mo is starting nursery next month so we went for a stay & play this morning. My 5yo also went there and I’m very close with the team. The first part was great, but then one of the lovely team came into the baby room. Amazing nursery worker, I could tell you lots of funny things and how lovely she is with the kids. She’s also very dark skinned. Suddenly my baby got very upset and was inconsolable. He got better when she left the room, but then she came back in and he kicked off again, absolutely terrified. Obviously this was mortifying - I expect it’s not the first time (from what she said, and from my eldest making comments about skin colour as a toddler) but it felt like it was so awful. She was very cool about it all, said normal, and the manager said come back next week for another session. What else can I do? He’s such a chill, happy baby. He’s used to being left & I wasn’t even leaving, I was staying & playing. Tbh his Extreme reaction was 100% towards the lady, whether her skin tone or not. How can I stop this being something that upsets him, or her?! I was thinking of bringing my 5yo in too, so my baby can see his big bro hugging the lady, chatting to her. He’s definitely fine with different colours of skin, there is a black girl in my eldest’s class, and her mum and the girl coos at him, but she’s quite light in comparison? Argh so mortifying… bear in mind we’ve know her for years (it would be awful anyway, but feels so embarrassing)

I mean... your baby isn't racist 😁

It could have been anything that upset them but yes it may be someone who looks different to what they have seen before. There's not much you can do - I really wouldn't overthink it.

I’m a terrible over thinker, about upsetting others. It can’t be the first time from what she said but still feels embarrassing. He’s too young for a doll really else I’d buy one.. hopefully my older son can help!

You've got nothing to feel bad about, and your baby certainly didn't do anything wrong. Try not to worry. 💐 You don't need to go on about how wonderful and amazing this woman is, no one with any sense is going to think you or your tiny baby are racist! 😅 Just try not to dwell on it and it'll all be fine. 😊 Your baby is probably just not used to meeting new people yet, babies can be frightened of people for all sorts of random reasons, it may well be nothing to do with skin colour, or it may just be that she looks different than the people he knows, either way once he starts at nursery he'll soon get used to different people. x

Thank you very much. Hopefully he’ll settle easily and this will be a distant memory!

He'll get used to it. Most of our nursery staff wear hijab, so now he thinks everyone with a hijab is nice! He took a while to warm up to our cleaner's husband though because he's really tall with a big beard

My DS2 would notice the skin colour of swimming instructors from a very early age. DS1 didn't take any notice. It's natural to react to anything that is different, you just have to act cool so the DC will not associate "different" with "bad".

We had something similar with our dog, years ago. Dd had a group of school friends round for pre-prom and the dog shied away from the one black girl and started really growling at her. I was mortified (but trying to downplay it as over-reaction might somehow make things worse) but she was so sweet about it and said it had happened before. But it struck me that he just hadn’t really met many people of her colouring before as we don’t live in a very diverse area.

When we got our puppy we were given a list of situations and people to try to expose him to while very young. Men, women, children, people of color, in uniform, in a costume, on a motorbike, in a wheelchair, deep voice, long hair, glasses etc. We took it very seriously.

I can see how this must be important for a human baby too. What they don’t recognize they fear.

Yeah, we did all that. But clearly not enough.

my baby had an irrational fear of hippies. Particularly those with dreadlocks. Terrible affair. She warmed to them eventually. Thought she was an awful tiny bloody Tory at heart. Quite the time.

I do feel for you. My daughter used to scream in fear at black men on the bus. My daughter is herself black. She grew out of it pretty quick, thank god!

Don't worry OP, it happens. When my dd was 4, she got a new swimming instructor who has achondroplasia. Dd was scared and wouldn't get in the water, luckily she didn't say why, although it was obvious. By the next week she had gotten used to it and happily got in the water, he became her favourite instructor in the end.

Children can be naturally scared of people who look abit different to the majority.....we live in a predominantly white area, I would say there are only a handful of children at DDs school who are not white.She used to notice and comment on black people's skin colour and verbalised that she found this scary.I just modelled being polite and accepting of it whilst trying not to come across too shocked or critical as obviously no little child is doing it to be racist.DD also had a very black nursery worker and nursery manager at around 2.5/3 and was initially quite fearful of them I think but soon warmed to the nursery worker when realising she was nice.She also went through a patch of being rather fearful of men with beards or who were bald!

Sometimes babies are just afraid of people with physical features that they’re not used to yet. My grandmother told me that my dad was absolutely terrified when he saw a black person for the first time as a toddler. My dad is not racist at all and never has been. He was just a baby and didn’t understand why that person looked different to what he was used to. I understand why it was embarrassing for you but the nursery worker will understand children very well and I’m sure she didn’t take it personally.

Not black proplr but I was really scared of bearded men as a child. I had a relative with a beard )didn’t see him much abd facial hair wasn’t so much on trend at that time), and I hid behind the sofa when he came round. I think some children are just scared of difference so just reassure them the person is nice or

Your baby has just encountered someone who looks different to his 'normal people'. I watched a thing years ago, a teenager from London visiting family in Afghanistan and her baby cousin just screamed at her.

She asked what was wrong and apparently it was that her hair wasn't covered, she put a headscarf on and the baby was soothed straight away.

Oh and it could be worse, my brother lives in Cornwall, which is almost 100% white. A couple of friends had their toddler with them when he encountered his first black person, the child made monkey noises.

my dog was scared of young adults with special needs

What a ridiculous post

My dd screamed when anyone with a beard came near her...so my brother was her enemy for about 4 hrs.

my dd was very wary of a female nursery worker, who she said was a man

My DD was scared of my lovely dad for a couple of months as he was a bit too enthusiastic playing peek a boo when she was a baby. She is now 20 and going on holiday on her own to stay with him and they are best mates.

Your son has seen something new to him, he's not sure how to react, and humans are programmed to be risk-averse. He'll take his cues from you.

Are you able to have a friendly interaction with the nursery worker which your son can watch? Greet her with a friendly tone and a smile, have a brief chat, hand her something, place a friendly arm on her shoulder if she's OK with that, and ideal if she'll reciprocate and you receive her friendliness with ease.

When my son was a similar age, he was alarmed and very fretful, like he was trying to warn me and my husband of a clear and present danger, when he met a family friend for the first time. The friend is a huge, tall chap with a booming voice, a beard and a very strong accent - very different from anyone he'd previously met. My husband was holding our son whilst I greeted and hugged the friend, and we could all pretty much see our son work through the 'Oh shit, Mum is hugging this guy. Dad, do something! Dad, Dad - you need to warn Mum... Oh, wait a mo, you think this is fine too.... and Mum still looks happy.... Dad is happy... I guess this is all fine... Phew.

He very quickly got that this guy was OK and we were all safe, and relaxed and was back to his happy self immediately.

@Georgia324 We can be afraid of things we're not used to. I would suggest that the nursery worker starts by being busy with other children in the room before approaching him. Might help if you get him to be around Black kids in the Park etc.

My sister's rescue dog had a violent reaction to black people- really embarrassing. She had to explain that the dog was racist but she wasn't. And no, it's not a joke- he started barking like mad.

This is the best reply hahahaha

Thanks so much everyone, apart from the person who said it was a ridiculous post. I’ll make sure to greet her warmly next time (I did so last time, but will overcompensate!)